a query...?

Hi everybody.. I'm new here.. i've been here a few times, done some research, read some posts, done some thinking... i've tried writing posts here a few times, but i never really know what to say, and i kind of chase myself away from the idea that i might be schizophrenic and go back into confused denial.. anyhow, here i am... i'm still not totally sure i really do have it, but the symptoms sound ridiculously close to what i was going through for the past 8 or 9 months. i want to learn more about causes for it, because i was never really all that stable from the time i was a kid, and i've gone through some really messed up stuff in my life that kinda made things worse... i'm wondering if some kind of trauma can trigger it, without previously showing signs of it.... the thing is, last fall, i was raped by a stranger while i was on 7 hits of LSD.. and i havent been the same since i mean that really messed me up i had a complete nervous breakdown and started questioning everything about myself, and my life... why did that happen to me? what's wrong with me, why would i let myself get into a situation like that? what am i supposed to learn from this? is it that big a deal, or am i being a drama queen? should i tell ppl about this, or is it better not to? how am i supposed to feel right now? and i kind of thought myself into a horribly depressed funk, where i eventually became completely devoid of emotion, and would sometimes just space out for hours at a time... days even.. the only thoughts that would go through my head, if any, were all negative, self analytical and hateful thoughts... i was completely antisocial and lost interest in everything.. i must've gone a month or two without speaking at all, or almost never at least.. i was just kind of in my own world, lost in my own thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything.. and when i finally did start trying to be social, i sounded completely incoherant, rambling on about abstract concepts and introspective crap.. not articulate at all.. and i'd just talk on and on until i thought i had made a point, but i never really did i dont think... logic was absolutely out of the question most of the time hah oh man i was always nervous around other people.. i had no idea how to react to anything, or what to do in any situation.. i felt like a caged animal.... then i started having random mood swings, and my perceptions of people and time and space changed and warped.. after months, i started to be able to build myself back up to a more functional being but i still always felt lost and anxious and selfconscious and pretty suicidal.. i've been getting progressively better.. i feel fine now most of the time, but i'd still like to know a little more about disorganized schizophrenia, which is what i think i might have had.. or still have.. mostly i want to know if it is the kind of thing that can be triggered or at least worsened by an incident like that, or if i brought this all on myself somehow..

even if nobody out there in cyberspace can help, its kind of nice to have actually told somebody now.. but i find it really hard to explain what i was going through when i'm feeling normal. oh well, maybe somebody knows what i'm talking about

ok, thanks guys, hugs to all!

I am not a doctor, so I obviously can't say whether you are schizophrenic or not.

Does anyone in your family have a psychotic mental illness?

In studies of heredity vs. environment, mostly kids with a schizophrenic relative ended up with the disorder themself. However, the LSD caught my eye, as it has been shown to cause a bunch of problems.

I'd suggest getting this checked out with a doctor.

wow, thatnk for replying so fast
i am gonna get checked out, its just kinda hard taking that step, ya know? especially since i really dont know if that's the problem, or if its just some messed up headtrip i brought on myself.. either way, i could use some help.. but no, as far as i know nobody in my family has a history of mental illness. when i was looking up causes, that was mostly what i found, that it was hereditary, and i'm fairly sure that isnt an issue here. if anything caused it, it was trauma, and drug use definitely exaserbated it. anyway, thanks for the reply i'm going to keep researching, and find a doctor.. i've been kind of reluctant because unless i'm having an 'episode' i cant really figure out a way to explain it that anyone might be able to understand. that's why i like coming here sometimes and reading posts, because the way i felt seems to be shared by a few people here, and it's kind of nice to know that i'm not just completely (uniquely) off my nut, and there's some hope.. i'll probably be around for a while, until i get more comfortable talking to people about it, and maybe learn something about it. i think it's great how supportive you guys are, and it really does feel great to have such a close community here where we can all just spill and not be judged

thanks again

I think an important place to start would be to ask your parents if anyone in the family was considered really "weird". A lot of times, grandparents and further up had mental health issues but because nobody wanted to be seen as "mentally ill" they'd just get the reputation as the "weird relative".

That's what I had to do. There was a lot of history of mood disorders in my family, and alcoholism, but nobody had been diagnosed with any type of psychosis. Turns out I had severak relatives a bit further back who showed the signs of schizophrenia, but were never diagnosed.

Anyways, good luck. Once you talk to someone about it, it usually gets easier to talk about.

that's a good idea
hah i'm not totally sure i'll get anywhere since my mom's side of the family is a bunch of stoner hippies from BC and they're all a little spaced out, but it's certainly worth looking into :P

i've actually started replying to posts now.. it feels almost too good to be getting it out since i hadnt told anybody about it until now really, so i dont wanna seem self-centered but i'm identifying with a lot of ppl here and i keep going off telling my own stories.. i know i cant really help anyone here cuz i dont know what the hell i'm talking about, but maybe if they hear about other people having similar issues it'll mak them feel better..? i hope
i'm just on a roll now, so even though i'm just blathering mindlessely, it feels good to get it off my chest

thanks again