[insideout]

i guess this discussion board is becoming an interactive diary for all of us...
im sure nobody really cares about my plight as much as i do.
but i suppose the urge to express myself is now exceeding my logic.

i have become very confused... maybe i should title this confusion.
maybe i should title it memory loss... dilerium...
i read that it could be schizophrenia...
lol
i think im only half (no not even half) admitting this to myself.
i have become so indecisive that it interferes with my life.

im so consumed with conspiracy theories that im unable to pursue my education....
i keep thinking that i dont need college. that i will expose all the truth about the whole conspiracy of life. answer the BIG question... you know, "what is the meaning of life".
i have a serious problem.
my mind is my problem and its consuming me.
every day i feel like its the first day of my life.
i feel like its all new to me.
its a strange feeling that everything is unfamiliar.
i dont remember people who seem to think we have been friends.
i dont remember conversations. apparently i end up doing the same things, saying the same things over and over, week after week.
i feel as if im meeting someone for the first time, then they look at me strange and tell me weve already met and so on...

i really do not like this situation.
i want out of the deep hole i have sunk into.
and i can see it ... "reality" i mean. its just beyond my grasp... just barely out of reach, and slipping further and further away.

[ovidblue]

Im sorry that you are going through this, you really need to see a doctor as soon as poss. When the illness gets that intense, it can be unbearable. i hope you find a solution or a way of coping with this.

i agree. the first step is recognizing the problem, but now you can look for someone to help you with this. Both a psychologist and psychiatrist working together should be able to help you.

[eye_is_james]

hey

i was in a situation once which was very like what u describe.

the first thing i want to tell u is to try see a doctor. (s)he will most likely give u drugs, and although i believe alternatives are better, at least the regular psych industry is regulated and a considerable body of research has been carried out probe the nature of available medication. sure, there are side effects, and some of them really suck, but the foremost priority should be to attain a state of relative order.

i have been "stable" for a long time, thank God, but am still quite paranoid, although the medication i'm on (zyprexa/olanzapine) enables me to function to a reasonable extent.

what i really want to tell you is that certain forms of paranoia are healthy, positive, and liberating while others are symptoms of disease. allow me to try to elucidate -

if a person is under the impression that his thoughts are being controlled by others, EVERYBODY hates her/him, or aliens exist, i would say that they exhibit definite psychotic tendencies.

if, on the other hand, they maintain that there are people today plotting to impose a global, totalitarian autocracy, i would congratulate him/her on the realisation of a grand truth.

this is not necessarily to say that such a person does not need psychiatric care, as (s)he may well have other false beliefs which meds and/or some form of counselling should help with.

when i lost touch with reality, i had begun to realise the true state of affairs in the world. unfortunately, however, i also thought i was Jesus (pbuh)!

just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

my advice regarding what i deem to be justifiable suspicions is to mention them to your dr, but do not persist - it is quite unlikely that sympathy will be forthcoming.

please feel free to contact me re this, and may you have a peaceful time, now and always.

james d

[Sarah116]

That is what i experienced and still am. It really is hard and so frustrating! Often voices will even tell me "You are loosing it." "Tell the world goodbye!" and I am so mixed on what is real and not! God bless thwe world and be with you! <font color="green"> </font>

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
insideout said:
im so consumed with conspiracy theories that im unable to pursue my education....
i keep thinking that i dont need college. that i will expose all the truth about the whole conspiracy of life. answer the BIG question... you know, "what is the meaning of life".
i have a serious problem.
my mind is my problem and its consuming me.
every day i feel like its the first day of my life.
i feel like its all new to me.
its a strange feeling that everything is unfamiliar.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

In another day and age you'd have been considered a visionary, a seer, or a prophet. why not learn to enjoy your unique gifts? the trick isn't in destroying them. the trick is in learning to integrate them with functional everyday-world stuff that you need to do to survive (like study, get a job, pay your bills, etc.) Really all that requires is discipline and self-training. Practice makes perfect. Allow yourself pockets of time to pursue your visionary quests, and then put your energy toward your studies when you need to. It's like any other "big dream" -- you have to pursue the dream WHILE pursuing the practical as well so you'll have a solid foundation to fall back on. For example, those that want to be artists, musicians, etc. have to put in time on their dream as well as on a more practical pursuit to earn a living in the meantime until their art or music "takes off". So just think of your split desires here in the same way and learn to mesh and integrate these twin poles of your life.