Roll Call Eight

My flare-ups seem to be in the spring and summer. I get sad in the winter months but it is mild and I can deal with it without medication. Whatever is happening to me right now is very different and not normal for me.

@willow + others.

i know divorce is common.

idk how many other people feel the way i do though but i know i cant be the only one.

but i dont believe in unconditional love. its a falsity.
i woke up one day and my mom was gone. at 14.
i said "dad - wheres mom?"
he said "she left in the middle of the night"
he said she said she was not coming back.
i knew the issues leading up to it but i did not expect her to just up and leave in the middle of the night without a word and never come back again. but i happened.

for the people who are the #1 people to give u unconditional love and it falls through like that. close blood. to me that says if my mom could do that to me - what stopping any1 else from doing worse things to me and just walking away without a care? my mom and i werent close then but it only got worse after.

i attached myself heavily to 1 person a long time ago who i dated for a long time and was also my best friend. things fell out so much around when high school ended.

both those reasons i why i think i have trouble getting close to people. and if i do get close - trouble staying close too.
i dont trust a damn person.
i dont trust a damn person to watch my pencil on a desk while im away.
i dont trust a damn person to be honest.
i dont trust a damn person to tell me the right time even if we are BOTH looking at the same clock at the SAME time.
i dont trust.

must my .02 cents on my relations w/ people.

It's interesting to hear about how other people's symptoms "cycle" for warrant of a better term.

I have bad flare ups in the summer too, but interestingly I've never been hospitalized in the summer. I've been hospitalized mostly in the winter and spring, and once I was hospitalized in the fall. Never once during the summer even though things tend to get pretty bad during the summer.

atypical

for some reason you just made me remember i was hospitalized in june and july last year. idk how i could forget that. that was one to remember.

that means ive been hospitalzed every month in a year except may.
and heck i prob was some time in may too. prob in 2008. i was in 5 times that year and it was quite long ago by now. i dont remember every single thing.

i havent slept at ALL
its 4am. prety much.

i think its partly cuz ive been taking my xanax ragulary because its been an emergency situation for me. ive been needing it to calm down my anger and my anxiety and my paranoia and just all that. 3 days in i started needing more because the same amount wasnt working. same 3 days in i couldnt fall asleep without it. now i actually dont know how long its been. less than a week but not only can i def NOT sleep witout it. - i actually feel as if i might be going into some kind of psychosis. but one i rarely expereince. i feel energized but not having actual energy. i actually think it might be cuz im not sleeping much now. its like more of like....IDK.

i heard xanax withdrawal can cause psychosis stuff that but then again i only havent taken it just TONIGHT. BUT i may have to cuz when i havent slept for about 2 days my heart feels like its going to stop. im going have to take it at some point in order to shake this psychosis-like feeling or whatevr it is.

The Xanax might be making your psychotic symptoms worse. Benzodiazepines can do that.

I slept for one 'little' hour because of my nerves. It is very frustrating when one cannot sleep.

Wow, am I ever starting to open up in the online world. I must be getting brave. Hopefully nobody will recognize me.

i just read that a couple days ago. by accident.
i didnt know that before.

prob is.

god. i havent taken medicine on even a temporary regular schedule.
and stopping the xanax i am completely unable to sleep and am starting to barely function.
i had to to take it. i HAD to.

i couldnt imagine what would happen if i took my haldol and then stopped it

sh_t ive only took it for for emergency for less than a week and im already dependednt on it.
im REALLY afraid what wouuld happen if i took that haldol and stopped.
holy sh_t.

I'm sorry that you feel like this Cyber Stress makes me feel like this too.

I haven't noticed a 'cycle' in terms of seasons, but my symptoms definitely get worse whenever I'm stressed about something.

Newtus: I know that you know about dependence and withdrawal and such, but
please be careful with the benzos

Atypical: Sorry that you're struggling today

The_little_didgee: I'm glad that you're feeling safe to start to open up here. I worry about being 'found' here IRL too - if my Mum ever found this forum it would be so obvious who I was and I'd be screwed.

*Willow*

A few people know I use this site but not my family and psychiatrist. I fear being found out especially by my mother. She would be upset at me for not communicating my 'problems' to her.

Expressing my feelings is hard. I am starting to feel more comfortable posting here.

i can understand what you are saying.

beyond here i dont talk about my feelings or my experiences. iive tried. doesnt work. everyone is sick of me or doesnt care or blames me.

Yes, I don't share as much in the world as I do on here. Sometimes I risk it but very rare. I feel the exact same way, Newtus, that everyone is either sick of me, doesn't care, or blames me.... exactly the same way.

exactly what i said about me telling my dad the other night.
i told him and he went ballistic about himself spending thousands on getting therapists and hospitals and other stuff. im not exaggerating when i say all i simply said was "i feel suicidal". so idk why he got angry. i mean EXTREMELY angry for me just saying that. i didnt yell it or anything. but i wonder if me waking him up in the middle of the night bothered him. yet he tells me "if you ever need me - even in the middle of the night. wake me up. im here for you". i feel extremely bad because i used to wake him up ALL the time and he never got sleep. i got better for about year or more not doing that. but then past months i have been.

on the flipside its EXTREMELY EXTREMELY and i mean EXTREMELY hard to be alone all day. i am most of the day. some days my dad isnt here for many hours. doing odd jobs or something. but most days he is outside working. which our property is 10 acres big. and hes somewhere all out there. huge treeline there. all that. so im quite alone here.
its not that im incapabale of being alone. thats the complete opposite of me. but i guess ill admit i cant handle being alone most of the day for years on end. a little interaction maybe a couple times a week for me can maybe go a long way idk? i just notice many times when i was around someone for a few hours for just one day i fulfilled my loneliness for at least 3-4 days. maybe more. but this being alone most of the day for years...is not...well its killing me. im still trying but nothing seems to come through.

feeling bad today. anxious and feeling watched. going to be hard next 3 hours alone. shouldnt go for a walk but restlessness and lack of concentration makes me need to leave the house. ugh what to do what to do.

Hey friends! I'm sorry to hear that some of you are feeling bad lately. Hugs! I feel a little better today. Depression got really bad the last few days. I always feel depressed on a daily basis but when things go wrong such as my truck breaking down then the depression is just terrible. Luckily my only friend I have in this whole entire world is allowing me to use her car this week. This is my last week working for this lady. I've worked for her all summer. My real job kicks back in next week. The summer sure has flown by.

I always read all the posts to catch myself up before I post something. A lot of you were talking about being concerned that someone you know would find you out on PC. This is a major concern I have too. I always get real paranoid about what I post. Especially on those days when I'm in the sharing mood & tend to say a lot. I just changed my profile picture because the picture I had up of my dog would be easy for some people to figure out it was me. I really don't have but one friend, a lady I talk to. But I don't want the ladies I work with to find out about my PC life. Nor my 3 kids either. You know even around my 3 kids I have a "mask" I wear. Obviously I can't share my inner self & thoughts & what I go through with my kids & most for sure not the ladies I work with. I've got extremely good at covering up the "real me".

i got a another email from someone from nami without emailing again. diff person.
but now im not so sure how much i want help now.

Can you do something active inside the house? Like vacuuming, or doing an exercise video or wii game? Or, if you need to be outside, can you do something that confines you to your own yard, like lawn mowing or weed pulling?
I hope you feel better soon.

It might be worth checking into Newtus. Maybe you might find some help that they offer that would be good for you. Maybe they could help direct you on how to get into your own place. Maybe moving into the city somewhere would help you have things to do and you could have more opportunities than you do now. Maybe you could get into a room mate housing situation. I don't know what they offer but at least maybe they could point you in the right direction. It would be worth asking about.

Maybe just check into it and see. I agree they might have recources for things that could help you. Even if you don't move maybe things like support groups, art therapy classes, or exercise groups or something to help you. It would give you maybe 1 or 2 days a week of interaction that you need. I think you should check just to see.

@crackinslowly.

i went on craiglist on roommate sections JUST TO SEE what people wanted in roommates or renters. most people spoke out about wanting people only with sound mind to room up with or people renting rooms int heir homes/detached garages. so that def woulnt work out. even if i didnt have an episode which even my mild ones would be seen very bad to any normal person - i also am reclusive to an extent which would be extreme to most people. someone would end up noticeing something is far off with me. most people who interact with me on a small basis like retail clerks or whatever even notice. yes i know this because not all but many have said something. its rude but common for me.

ok i will check in to it

I'm sorry Newtus. I don't trust Craigslist. I just wondered if Nami had information on room mate housing. I know here in Dallas they have a place called Lifenet. They help with therapy, doctors, and all mental health needs. They also offer Hud Housing for families and also have room mate housing for people with mental disorders. You could get lots of help from them & meet people who suffer from the same problems that you do. They have support groups too. I wonder if Nami would know if something like this was offered in your area.

I agree it's very rude but yeah, in general the population is rude and does not know how to repsond to people who are different than expected....

I am invisible. It's gotten better since I've worked on my anxiety about speaking up. But it's very common that store clerks, receptionists, or other type persons who are "customer service" look right passed me to the next person in line. It's extremely agrivating. That's why I have learned to speak up more but I'm still nto good at it. But, this has become better for me in recent years than before. So, just another example of how rude society can be in general...

i was not looking for anything on craigslist but only to get a realistic perspective on peoples thoughts about roommates and things like that.

but yes. i looked at dallas HA. im too scared to move there. its further from my dad but also i never lived in urbanity before. just suburgatory. dallas has so much to offer for everything. my area has 0% offered compared to dallas. since this place like u saw has no hospitals or grocery or ANYTHING but houses and farmland and 1 post office (that is closing). quite literally. then mckinney has 10% compared to if dallas was at 100%. it has a branch of the county mental health clinic and scattered depression/anxiety therapists and some psychdocs (who commute from other cities mainly). but thats it.

unless theres some sort of underground mental health railroad i dont know about here.

i also looked at two collin county HA offices who posted their waiting list is not open. 1 city has over 10k people they say on it. so yea....