Roll Call Eight

someone said i should email nami

not gonna happen
let me tell u whats gonna happen
- - - - - - - - - -

i gonna go and kick down this states door ok
and this companys door ok

for every slide card key they have put on a lock on a door FOR ME
ill bring the vicinity down 3 knotches UNTIL IT IS ODD

I'm not having a good night. I'm not psychotic as far as I'm aware, but I'm feeling very bad. I don't know how to describe what's wrong, because I just don't know.

im not happy right now.
im imagining having friends and doing lots of stuff and the thougt doesnt make me happy.
im imaging being in the middle. a few friends. something to do sometimes. im not happy there.

does this mean im depressed because nothing is making me happy. not jist now. ive thought about this before and it doesnt make me happy then.

this was like right before i lost interest in film and most of my art and music i dreamed of my career and i wasnt happy doing the thigs i once liked in my mind. then months later i truly lost almost all interest in that stuff and a few years later i still am lost interest in film and actually all art. im here doing photo stuff and aometimes draw and some days i watch movies becuz im pushing myself to love it again ...but ive been doing this for almost 2 years now and i STILL dont love it again. actually doing those things sickens me. thats why being lonely sucks becuz im sick sick sick of doing the same thiggs every flippin day

I don't know if it's depression or not but it does sound like anhedonia, which for members who may not know that means an inability to experience pleasure from activities you usually find enjoyable. It can be a symptom of depression, but it can also show up in schizophrenia too.

THATS the word i was tryigg to think of. a week ago.

the thing with my interests doesnt seem like depression. i for some reason just lost near complete interest. i try hard to rekindle it but its just not coming back. the one about the friends i feel indifferent almost. idk what i feel about the friends thig.

I've read that this is common in schizophrenia. I wish this kind of stuff was talked about more often though, because it can be really easy to misconstrue stuff like this as depression.

im slightly confused by that and depression. the reason why i thought my particular losing interests wasnt depression was becuz i wasnt sad about it. i just wasnt happy doing it. its hard to explain. its not the same. i think they say the difference is anhedonia is like depression w/o the sadness.

It has been years since I have felt anhedonia. I think of it as a void of nothingness, not emptiness but just existence with no feeling and interest. Flat.

The Emotion Paradox of Anhedonia in Schizophrenia: Or Is It?

Well I'd don't think I've ever experienced that but I have read some studies that suggest that people with sz have as much fun doing things but have an altered tendency to think it won't be fun so it impacts motivation. So I wonder about the difference between thinking about having friends and actually having them. But it's hard for me to comment since I don't actually know. Sending positive thoughts your way....

I am seeing my CPN today. I think she wants my abilify increasing as they think im relapsing. No mention of hospital tho *phew*!

Good news justmeandmyhead! And btw I really like your new avatar.

@willow, are you ready to move? (Tomorrow, right?) I hope its a smooth transition for you!

I have to run a bunch of errands after work today including grocery. I'm bored with everything I normally cook lately. I need some new ideas.

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Are you feeling any better today Atypical? Can you plan something that you enjoy doing today?

Thanks Gr3tta
Hope you find something fun to do

My son has applied to take a class to train as a peer support specialist. He interviewed today and was accepted. Since it interferes with the job that was to start next Monday, he's decided not to do the job. So, on August 29 he starts the class.

That's great costello! My wife is a certified peer support specialist. I hope the training will go well for your son.

I've read 3 psych books in the last 3 days---one of those days was at work----I have a pdoc appointment next week----I think somewhere in my brain I have a deadline and am doing the necessary homework for the appointment. Why am I like this, the guy has seen me at my worst, what am I trying to prove? Ugh!

All I need from him is a new lower prescription, maybe I'm worried I won't get it. Stupid transference. I really shouldn't care so much.

Does she like it? I hope it goes well too. I'm really excited for him.

I hope he lowers it for you.

She loves it! And its given her opportunities she wouldnt've had otherwise. Mental healthcare experiences that might have been defecits in other professions become assets as a peer specialist. I think its a great idea for your son to try out.

Unfortunately I'm not feeling much better. I'm not feeling bad either. Just confused, I don't know. Thanks for caring though, you're too kind.

Thanks. I did talk to one person earlier who seemed kind of down on it. She said it often ended with a one day a week job chauffering people to appointments or something like that.

I talked to the local mental health center, though, and they hire people fulltime as does another organization in town. So, hopefully it will turn into a job for him - and help him in his recovery.

That's awesome news! I pray everything works out for the best!

You know some days I just hate being me! I wish I were "normal". I made a mistake today at work in front of the lady I work for and it has given me some serious anxiety that I just can't seem to shake. I really hate this about me! Let me tell you what I did. She asked me to cook lunch for her 2 & a half yr old & I put a small pot on the stove of water to boil then I proceeded to begin cleaning the dishes she left in different areas of her kitchen. Well I turned around & noticed that my water wasn't boiling. I had turned on the wrong burner! Yikes! The one I turned on had a burner cover on top of it. (Electric Stove) so I immediately turn off the burner & grab an old green kitchen hand towel to remove the burner cover. It was too hot so I pried it up with a knife & then grabbed it with the rag. Of course by now there's a burn smell going on & the rag starts melting onto the very hot burner cover. So I drop it on the counter. While this is happening the lady I work for is standing in the kitchen next to me. Then she says do you think that will burn the counter? And then opens up a drawer & pulls out a large oven mitten & picks the very hot burner cover up off the counter & drops it into the sink. At this point I just want to disappear!!! Of course I apologize & she goes into her room & grabs her Ipad & starts ordering new burner covers for her stove from Amazon. I apologized again and she says don't worry about it. I was and still am so freaking embarrassed for making such a very stupid mistake. I feel like I should offer to pay for the burner cover and the old kitchen towel that I. Burned up. What do y'all think? Normal people would probably get over this quickly but I'm having serious anxiety over my mistake.