Roll Call Eight

Thank you cracking slowly! It sounds like what you want is a competant, caring, therapist or psychologist! Is that right? I believe there are some out there, but its discouraging how hard they are to find, for sure!

Thank you little didgee! I agree there is a true lack of services for those who struggle but are not "sick enough". I think it would be helpful for there to be more medium level or as needed services and support.

the thing about the help for people with psychotic disorders too is that if its filled up. u know forget about getting the help. because apparently its not just for people with serious psychosis. but also for people with serious psychosis who are also in severe materialistic need. which does make sense. but everyone isnt well off enough to get the best care. my income level is stuck between middle class and poverty. aka low income yet some thousand or so off i think that i cant get certain things.

yet at the same time i been through quite a bit that i apparently was told a few times i qualify for that stuff yet ive never gotten it.

so therse even a gap with that too. especially since i live in area that doesnt have much to begin wit.

sort of what i mean. but also wish they expanded more. like how you said diff levels of "sick". and how didgee said the services for psychotic disorders.

theres not enough of those services for that. PLUS its mainly reserved for people with psychosis (SEEMS like) if theyhad criminal behavior or are homless.

Maybe that is a difference in our states newtus? Although I see a lot of emergency shelter and food for homeless in my area, I see little offered in the way of psychiatric care. I also suppose I imagined there was a very low homeless population in very rural ares such as yours. No? ( I really don't know, I've always lives in small to medium cities. )
Also, you probably know this, but your income level is being effected by your living situation and combined incomes. You and your dad would both qualify for more benefits and services living seperately (not telling you this would be better, just fyi)

Yes it sure does cost way too much! My truck is a 2004 & has other problems & lots of miles on it & drinks lots of gas. So pouring more money into it would just be like flushing it down the toilet! So for now it's sitting in the driveway & I'm going to try to sell it to a place called Car Max. I hear they're pretty good about buying problem vehicles & will give a decent price. Depending upon what I receive from it will determine what I do next. I want a small car. One that runs forever on very little gas!
I don't have to work this weekend so I plan on staying hidden out in my bedroom with my Daisy watching movies. I just need to hide for awhile and get a break. Thanks!

I am in Canada.

I gave up looking about 10 yrs ago. For low income people I couldn't find what I really need. Because I don't have insurance or lots of money I felt like the system really doesn't care. I wish a professional would see past all that & really care to help me. I do think we could all be healed if we could have the right help that we need.

And I also have that problem where they think I'm "not sick enough" to be taken seriously & qualified for help. Because over the years I've learned how to "put on a mask" because I have to work. So they think I must not be that sick if I can do that. But they don't know how hard that is for me & during a period in my life I stayed home & layed in bed for 7 months! Didn't work, had a Hud house, food stamps, had a housing caseworker, a medication doctor, & a therapist & I was still not helped. And I wanted the help but I was brushed under the carpet so to speak. So I got sick and tired of myself and my life. I decided I had 2 choices, either suicide or dragging my ***** up out of that bed & getting myself together. So I chose to get up & fight for my 3 kids sakes. I got a job. Moved out of Hud housing. Got off food stamps. Got a normal apartment, bought a truck, and got myself off of the medications they had me on that was only making me sicker. And I've been fighting for the last 10 yrs to stay afloat. And it's been very, very hard @ times but it takes everything in me not to crawl back into my bed, & hide from the world like I did for those 7 months. That was a very dark time in my life. I still look back & don't know how I survived it.

im not sure what state ur in?
i mean texas which is always said is the worst mentla health care in the usa. theres not many homeless i THINK where i live and the first set of cities around me but i think becuz there isnt many homeless that maybe is partially why their services are firstly for those with that situation and also criminal. and also because they dont have enough of that kind of help. so i think its firstly people with that and then IF theres any spots open then they prob take on some. but ive read somewhere that they rarely have enough help to begin with.

anyway....um....
yea i think i may know i could get more help prob living alone. but i dont seem to have the ability to. (NOW dont get me wrong i get people with this can do things on their own i just seem not to be able to do SOME things on my own) firstly being able to take care of things like things having to do with adult responsibilities like u know everyday things. which im trying hard to do. it takes quite a long time because my dad is busy so im googling how to do life things. ...and for some reason i seem to get taken advantage of quite easily by people. LET IT BE KNOWN - ive NEVER been raped but almost have a long time ago when i was teen. and last time i tried to make a friend in college in 2011 they took me to their house to do drugs. i have no clue if im naive. these people dont say anything weird or questionable. stuff here and there in my life in which ...idk the term or wording for it...for where someone is ...hell idk. idk if im naive or if its that i just havent been around people enough to know who is good person or not. but im extremely deathly afraid of living alone because of stuff like that. i also have this weird thing where i seem to tbe visually oblivious to my surroundings ive wonderd if i was blind recently LOL. idk how id EVER go about that - living alone. even though id like to try.

@littledidgee ah yea i frgt u said that.

these "resources" are a funny thing...

ive found many links in my area online in tha past year or more. but the closer u look ....they have these RESTRICTIONS.

some services may say the service/program is for 1 or 2 or 3 specific illnesses but then its limited to a severity.

or its limited to certain incomes
or certain insurances
or certain counties/cities
or only people with mental illnes AND drug/alcohol abuse,\
OR u think u can qualify for the service and you find out later theres a loophole that disqualifies u somehow.

or so on and so on

i had a mobile crisis team come to my house a year or more ago and they said i could possibly get into a program for people just with Sz. (if that was even true now that i wonder about it). and then just as they called their program back while at my house to doublecheck - THEY SAID DIDNT TAKE MY INSURANCE. so then they referred me to a another program for case management. my dad and i went there to find out that they didnt have case management for people OVER 18 and told me to CHECK MY INSURANCE PROVIDER FOR THERAPISTS!!! so i went back to where i had started. with nothing.

thats not the first time that stuff happens.
im sick of sh_T like that.
im just sick of that bullSh_t nonsense crap they pull me through.
they pull you in this circle and leave you high and dry.

and me being the abused victim i am - i keep going back to the abuser - because they have the most power and most strings to pull!

@ cracking slowly - I don't think finding good therapy is a matter of money. The higher paid people aren't better, just better paid! (In my opinion) you have come a long way. I hope you are proud of yourself. I am sure your kids are glad they got to have you. I am happy you made the hard choices that you did even though it has been a struggle. You have overcome a lot.

My younger son got a lot of services through the local mhc. With them, it was a case of constantly changing personnel. Even therapists. Some therapists he had for literally one meeting, then they were moved. Can't make connections with people that way. Even I felt completely discombobulated. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I were trying to get mental health services from those people.

i cant sleep at all. i slept 3 hours.

anyway ..i just had a short talk with my dad. cuz really upset with living here...

not just cuz health resources.

i mean...i told him this place may be great for people who have retired or something like that....

but...
allow me to make a list...

1. this place is not only NOT ideal to have a social life it doesnt even meet the bare minimum.

2. i have to 30+ miles mostly more to get GOOD mental health resources of any kind. many times i dont qualify for stuff here and there because im too far OR out of a certain limit distance to qualify to specific things.

3. my options for college is extremely limited. and while i understand that for one - college is many times long distance - it doesnt HAVE to be. and two - since i really am not looking forward to a degree id like to do SOMETHING with my time having to do with education IF POSSIBLE related to college directly.

4. THERE IS NOT A THING TO DO. and the first degree of cities around this 700 person populated town - THERES BARELY. my dad keeps telling me theres stuff to do. believe me i have combed the internet for 3-4 years that ive been here and 99.9% of stuff to do is HIGHLY related to the elderly population OR the stuff to do is not particularly geared towards people under about 45 or so. like i def find some classes or hobbies having to do with sewing or something. or contemporary art classes. or volunteering for the elderly. ETC...im not saying im looking party or find a bar (THATS NOT ME!) - what im saying is for someone MY age and MY mindset i wanna be somewhere at LEAST SLIGHTLY bustling and FRESH lifestyle. like underground art or concerts or a hobby group that is for YOUNGER adults or etc. you know.

thats what i pulled off just from the top of my head. and even though my hometown i had moved from 5 years ago WASNT a city ...like a URBAN area. it was suburban but it had ALL that stuff PLUS if i wanted/needed more i would only had to go maybe 25 miles to get to dallas which is the 3rd biggest city in texas. AND it had a light rail that would from that city to dallas. i literally - and i mean literal - the rail system platform for my hometown was 1 block away. i mean VERY literal. i could walk to the docking platform in 7 min. i swear. the tracks were 30 feet from my front porch but the platform was 7 min walk down the tracks on the sidewalk. i lived in the downtown area of the suburb. i am 100% being honest. i swear to god i could walk from my front porch to the gas station in 7 min too. I SWEAR. and just lots of other stuff.

THAT RIGHT NOW
THAT RIGHT NOW IS LIKE... A FREAKIN DREAM TO ME.

i almost would even take the offer to live the next city over if he would move. but this ....this....15 min from a gas station. 700 person population. im choked up. just to even look out my window let alone THINK about it.

i could freakin walk to THREE gas stations to choose from in 7 min. LITERALLY. i even timed it once to drive to those gas stations. the closest gas station to drive to was 1 min and under 10 seconds and u just add 30 or so seconds to cross the street to get to the next one. and so on. THATS HOW CLOSE.

THE DOLLAR STORE? behind the gas station.
THE GROCERY? like 5-6 to chose from within a 10 mile radius. varying size and companies. the closest was ANOTHER behind the gas station.
THE MALL? i used to walk there sometimes in 30 min. 10 min drive.
TACO BELL (fast food chain)? 5 MIN WALK. I SWEAR TO GOD. SERIOUSLY.
COLLEGE/HIGH SCHOOL/SCHOOLS? 15 MIN FROM THE FURTHEST ONE I NEEDED TO GOTO. 5 MIN DRIVE FOR THE CLOSEST. ALL THE SCHOOLS I WENT TO GROWING UP WERE WITHIN ABOUT 13-15 MIN DR.

ETC
I MEAN I WAS IN THE DOWNTOWN AREA.

i feel ECSTATIC just thinking about how much i had.

i remember thinking when i was a teen "everything is so close. i hate it. im in this bubble."
BUT then again i was a teen. i barely had my car when we moved (3 yrs maybe). i hadnt even begun to live. the month after i graduated high school i moved here. i dont regret saying that. because i truly didn understand but still wasnt doing anything but high school STILL. you know. i wasnt at that point in my life where i actually wanted/needed much more. because most of my life was consumed AT THAT TIME by school. i didnt have time to other things really. but ill be honest too - i dont think i appreciated it because i didnt understand the impact of having the access of EVERYTHING.

i would NOT recommened this to a young family starting out and def NOT a single young person of ANY demographic. and i wouldnt recommend to so many other demographics.

i emailed nami about support groups and about questions about medicare. they gave me 1 support group. which i knew of anyway. just htough ii triy again. and told me to call a place for medicare. there wasnt even a greeting or name left at the end or an email.

um...
just like i have stood by what i said last time - both nami and mental health pros in general dont take a real interest in the people they so call "advocate" for.

my key problem is that im told by these places that i need this or that or the other. they seem to be able to asnwer your questions if u ask specifics. thing is - if you know specifically - then...why do u need to ask? honestly i asked HOPING for more. since i already knew about the support group(which is the one i said thas 35 or so miles away). it was almost like a test email. i added details about me in hopes theyd care enough to seek out at least a BIT more than what i specifically asked.

i mean...honestly...these professionals ask me what i need. but if i knew i WOULD GO FIND IT MYSELF. how can i tell them if i dont know?
well - maybe - how do i know that i need more help? something isnt working.

I was making a strong connection to a therapist at the community clinic when she left. I decided I am not going back to the clinic for that reason. Too many changes for me. I need consistency and stability to be healthy. One reason for my emotional/mental/spiritual distress is that there has been a lack of continuity and consistency in my life.

I know that there are therapists in private practice who can see me for as little as 30 bucks a session (or less depending on my income) when I am ready to make the commitment.

Costello : what happened with your son's recent possible TD issue? sorry if I missed an update if you already posted.

nevermind... stupid **** why do I even bother trying to post?

Apparently he hasn't had any swallowing issues since. He did leave a message for the pdoc. I don't know if he has heard back. He doesn't seem worried about it, although I did tell him it was a serious side effect of Zyprexa.

I'm trying to convince myself it's a withdrawal effect from the recent dosage decrease. I haven't found anything to back that up, not even anecdotes on the Internet. I think it's possible. Funny stuff happens right after lowering the dosage.

The long-term goal is to keep reducing, and he seems to be doing fairly well with this most recent decrease. A bit more anxiety maybe. He mentioned muscle aches, which is also listed as a withdrawal effect.

Yesterday was horrible. My mom's neck is so bad that if it gets worse she can be paralyzed. Her back is bad and has MRSA. She needs several surgeries and they all get infected. So far she has had 29 surgeries with several putting her in life threatening situations. Every year she needs a surgery. Some years more than one. This year's surgery was earlier in the year that it was an emergency surgery and she came close to death. Then on top of that we are having money problems. Then we had to give up a car due to a stupid decision 3 years ago to lease and not buy. So now its going to be more difficult in general. There is good news though that next week is an autism conference we are going to. But I'm afraid it will backfire. I also have to wear a special boot for people with foot problems. So its hard to walk. My fibromyalgia is bad right now and I am in pain everywhere and there might be something wrong with my shoulder. Lots of stress.

I'm thinking of making blog like videos and posting them privately on youtube, for my sake because I think doing something like that might help me get some perspective about myself somehow. I don't know how that'll work but the idea's floating around in my head.

Also, I've just noticed this but apparently I've been talking to myself. I don't know how long this has been going on. Like am I just noticing it now or is it a new thing? Idk.

its hard not to be bitter in life when you have next to nothing/nobody.

My younger son was adopted from foster care as a teen. That mhc gave me a taste of what it must be like for kids in foster care, especially the ones who are moved a lot. After the first couple of homes (or therapists), why bother to even try to make a human connection?

It's ironic that the one thing that probably stands head and shoulders above the rest in healing, a caring relationship with another person, is the thing that seems most lacking in our various social service systems.