Roll Call Eight

i was gonna post something liek that yesterday but didnt.

i was looking at mental health clubhouses. basically promoting friendship and connection amongst other things.

and im thinking like...if psychiatry KNOWS that helps how come theres isnt more places like clubhouses or clubs or groups geared towards people with SMI or any MI. like MORE - lots more than whats offered.

:thumbup: I totally agree! The system in itself is majorly jacked up. That's why so many people give up on the system because they feel like why bother. I know that's why I gave up on it over 10 yrs ago. So people like me who need help just deal with things on their own. You can't trust the system to help you so you've got to find a way to make it work for yourself.

My gut has been mostly right all along. I tend to not go with my gut because of these pressures and guilt trips other people put on me. I get screwed when I don't listen to my gut.

I bring this up now because I have posted here about my mother's health several times. She complained about some impairment that began about 6 mo.'s ago. I initially felt in my gut that she was attention- seeking and nothing was wrong with her . However her being my mom I listened to her complaints and looked into what could have been a neurological deficit. The recent neuropsych guy said she has some impairment ( but she is 68 yrs. old and it's is not that big of a deal.) The follow up with neurologist had no Dx.
Now I am angry that I got sucked into my mother's histrionics. I am satisfied with what the Dr. said and I knew all along that my mom is a hypochondriac but I bought into it.

Up until all this started with her I had not spoken to her for 3 months. Before that I had not spoken to her for 9 mos. I'd only called her back at that time when she left a message saying she was going to call the police to do a welfare check on me because I was not responding to her calls. She won. She made a threat and I gave in.. How dare she manipulate the situation like that. She is toxic to me.
I spoke to her in Feb. only because she called me and said she'd been given a Dx. of multiple sclerosis.
Yesterday I let her have it for telling me and the town of less than 700 people where she lives that she had been Dx'd with MS back in Feb. She did it all for attention. She got the attention for sure. Now the cat is out of the bag.
I am sick from this. I wasted most of my life having to psychologically and emotionally take care of her.
She was a rotten mother.

told my dad i felt suicidal last night.
he went ballistic. say "i spend most of my expenses on you. hospitals. therapists. doctors. nothing works. you dont appreciate it. i cant live my life!"
he call the police.
i will never tell anyone im suicidal again. ever.
i gotta get out of here. ok.
i gotta move.

Firebird Sorry that you're in pain and stressed. My Mum has fibro so I know how much that sucks

Atypical Sorry that you're feeling paranoid, but I'm glad you're still posting.

Mimi I'm sorry that you feel taken in by your mother again, but now you know for certain nothing is wrong with her so you can stop worrying cos I remember you were quite concerned before. You have to look after you first though. Take care

Newtus I'm sorry that your Dad got mad at you for asking for help Are you still feeling suicidal? If so, could you call a hotline or something, just to talk to someone?

My disability benefits review is causing an emotional tailspin as usual. The voices have just informed me that I'm the only one on this forum who hasn't been hospitalised, so I can't possibly have sza disorder or deserve benefits. I've never realised before, but they're right aren't they?? I can't think of anyone here who hasn't been hospitalised... What does that mean then? Are the voices right, that I don't have sza? I'm so confused.

I hate applying for benefits. The Govt makes society think those on benefits are lazy scum (it's in the newspapers all the time), and I'm so ashamed

*Willow*

That stuff always sets me off too. Just because you haven't been hospitalized doesn't mean that you don't have sza. Being hospitalized isn't in the diagnostic criteria for sza. It's not a requirement.

My voices love to tell me that I'm making it all up too, sometimes I wonder if our voices talk to each other because they really do say similar stuff! I think your voices are wrong, the fact that they're even there just proves that there's something going on that's obviously causing you a lot of distress and debilitation. You deserve to get help, but I know it's hard to believe that when you have voices constantly telling you otherwise.

I'm so sorry newtus. You deserve to get real help, I'm so sorry there's so many circumstances that get in the way of that happening.

They gave me a choice about hospitalization..I could have done the whole thing outpatient, but since I theoretically wanted to kill someone I thought the hospital was a good idea. Also they told me the hospital would be faster to stabilize me and I just wanted it to end.

Your onset was slow though right? I mean you got meds before it got too bad. That's probably why you were never hospitalized, that doesn't mean you're less sick, just got treatment sooner in the process.

Don't be ashamed, if you finish university you will be able to work so think of it as transient a stepping stone.

So I usually talk to my parents once a week at the same time, I thought I could call them an hour later so I didn't have to use my cell phone when I was out with a friend. I got back home to 18 messages on my land line(this was like 5 years ago I wasn't even sick). The police had been to my house and contacted all the neighbors but found out they had seen me that day going out. So you're not the only one with crazy parents. Let her send the cops...when they come ask them about what it takes to get a restraining order so their time is not wasted again. It will save you a trip to the police station

Anyway sorry about your mom.

Roses were on sale this week $7 a dozen, got a mix of hot pink and peach. The peach ones smell awesome.

thanks willo and atypical.
i have been looking everywhere online for resources. seems they do have them. but there are so many and such an overload yet so many i do not qualify for or they would lack in help. i contacted nami and they didnt have much to say except referring me to someone else and an 800 number. i almost called a hotline because i kept checking an online crisis chat and it kept saying "all operators busy". so i just gave up and swallowd a few xanax to knock me out and locked my door.

i woke up home alone. still alone.

gretta said its an insult to say people with this dx cant help themselves. i never meant to say that and i didnt.

not really to gretta but everybody here:
its not like i dont try.
but understand everybody that im trying my best. and im really doing this on my own. i have reached out to everyone around me which is my family. my mom doesnt care. my dad is stressed and not too well himself with his alcohol issues. and said he doesnt know how to help me. i live in Tx. my sis lives other side of USA. near canada. she has own her things. own life. doesnt always call back when i have asked. BELIEVE ME i dont expect anyone to do a damn thing for me. when your parents divorce and one leaves u - you learn not to expect any1 to love and care for you. youll take it but you dont expect it. BUT I struggle with my illness - alone - to do even daily life stuff. let alone doing it myself and doing these major life changes.

Well, it looks like a move will be within a year. The ex-housemate bought a property with a condemned house on it on the water. I'm concerned about hurricanes being that it's right on the ocean. Pdoc thinks moving with housemate and ex-housemate would be a good idea as I already know them and being that a new house would be built on the property, not many people have that opportunity to live in a newly built house such as myself. My pdoc seemed less concerned about hurricanes and more concerned about my housing. Pdoc says if a hurricane is imminent then evacuate.

But today we were all suppose to go down to the property and celebrate but I had to mow so the ex-housemate and her friend and the the other housemate went to meet with the realtor to close the deal on the property and I suspect they all went to celebrate without me.

From the beginning with looking for a house/property I was never included. It's basically been between the ex-housemate and housemate and now with the friend whom would be moving in after the completion of the new house. So, lately I've been seeing myself as just as a renter that mows, cleans up leaves, raises puppy's, takes care of the other 3 dogs and cooks dinner 5 days out of the week.

I fight with the ex-housemate every once in awhile especially if I don't take my meds. But it's messed up to think I need to take meds just to get along with someone who's always been a thorn in my side. We are complete opposites in every way possible. Politically, socially, you name it.

My concern is that I will be living under the half ownership of the ex-housemate. Currently, where I'm living the housemate owns the house 100% but when it's time to move into the new house the housemate and ex-housemate will own equally, unless with finalizing the deal today they brought the friend in on it too. Either way, I've got a bad feeling about this. It's a doomed overall feeling if I move with them. I just think that one day the ex-housemate will want to throw me out.

I've been voicing my concerns to my T and she would like for me to work through pros and cons of moving with them or not moving with them. My pdoc is unaware of the household dynamics and is worried where I might live.

There is a friend whom I think I can ask if I can rent from her. It's just that I don't know when to ask her. I know once I ask the cat is out of the bag concerning my intentions and I'm concerned about causing tension in this household.

I asked my housemate a couple of weeks ago how he would feel if I didn't move with him. He told me I have to do what I have to do but asked where would I move to? I said I haven't looked to see what was out there but asked him again how he would feel. He said he would miss me but then he went into this line of trying to convince me that the new place is a really nice place to move to. I tend to always listen to others and ignore my gut feelings but this time my gut feelings are screaming at me.

I'm cynical at this point and thinking all along I've just been a renter/cash cow for the past 9 years. I'm floored.

Thanks Atypical! Sorry they say the same thing to you too I think the voices all do a course beforehand so they know what horrible things to say to us!!

I struggle with deserving support and love etc, so deserving benefits is an extension of that I guess.

Thanks Sometimes Yeah I got meds within 7-8 months of the voices becoming persistent, and the psychotic stuff wasn't the main focus of my problems until the last 6 months to a year. Plus I've always been able to tell myself that the voices aren't real, which a CPN once said helped me to ignore them. He also said my psych knowledge helped me avoid hospitalisation, which is probably true.

I love the smell of roses! My Mum grows some and they smell divine. Trouble is that most of the shop-bought ones have no smell because they are bred for their looks. Mum's smell gorgeous, but the petals fall off really easily so that breed wouldn't sell in a shop. Enjoy them! I try to treat myself to some flowers every so often. I usually go for carnations or pinks because they last so long. I bought my housemate some sunflowers for her birthday on Friday and they look amazing.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling Newtus and that you have no one IRL for support. It's hard to get help and I know you're doing your best. I struggle with everyday things, like using the telephone and going new places etc, so it's not just you all alone, though I appreciate that your situation is slightly different. I find it very sad that you grew up learning not to expect love and care from your family

*Willow*

Wow Cyber, looks like a right dilemma! I think T is right that a list of pros and cons would be a good start.

In my 3rd year of Uni, I was going to move in with a girl I'd lived with for 2 years previously and her bf, who I'd never lived with. My gut was screaming that it was a bad idea, but I thought 'better the devil you know', right? Well I decided to have a look at some other options while house hunting with them, and found another place with strangers who seemed really nice. Long story short, I didn't move in with the couple and lived with the strangers, one of which is my current housemate who is absolutely lovely. Maybe a change would be for the best, especially if you're feeling taken advantage of? All the best cyber

Mum is concerned that I'm staying in bed too much and not revising for my exams and wants me to come home on Friday (they're away until Friday) until my exams, so she can encourage me to socialise with family and revise. IDK. I've just started volunteering and I've made a commitment to go once a week, which she wants me to make an excuse for, which I would feel bad about, even though I don't want to volunteer at the moment. I've only just come back to my Uni house, but then I was less paranoid and had less voices at home, though they may be worse because of stress about my exams and benefit review rather than just being back in my Uni house... IDK... I think I need to make a list of pros and cons too, but Mum always ends up talking me around...

*Willow*

Housemate came to my room and asked if I wanted to take a ride down to the new property for me to look around. I declined and said that I'm still concerned about hurricane's and that I'm still not sure I wanted to move into the new house; that I have to look at all my options, like look into low income housing. Honestly, I cringe when I think of low income housing because I've lived in places where the rent was low and they weren't the best places.

My housemate said I wouldn't have to worry about food, which was a BIG issue for me in the last place I lived by myself. I was practically starving and I had lost a lot of weight. I looked like death warmed over when I came back to the northeast. He then said I would be lonely. I said I don't get lonely. He said the dogs would miss me. I said it's not about the dogs. I said I stay at a place because I want to stay. He didn't look happy.

Maybe I'm misconstruing everything. Maybe I'm hypothetically seeing things that aren't there. I'm confused. But I think Willow may have said the magic words "taken advantage of". I'm just sick of taking care of these dogs, puppy's and all. I just don't want to do it anymore and I know if I stay I'm going to end up doing it anyway. There is a reason why I don't want a dog of my own and it's the responsibility of it. I've had one and that was enough.

I just don't know anymore. I'm really confused as to what to do. This whole needing to move is just really messing with my head.

OMG, housemate is trying in the worst way. He asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I said it was getting late and have some fish at home. How about going out for yogurt? I said, "Nah". How about we bring it back? I said I didn't want to go out.

My housemate is known to be relentless when he wants something.

@mimi: I'm sorry you got hooked into your mom's drama again. It's really hard not to with people like that.

@newtus: I agree that you need to find a different living situation.

@Willow: I hope your review goes well.

@cyber: I'm sorry the moving thing is so stressful. I do think you should look into renting from your friend. Why is your housemate so intent on having you move with him? Is he counting on your share of the rent? Or is he genuinely concerned? If you lost a lot of weight when you were on your own before, maybe he's afraid that will happen again.

Woke up physically ill and psychotic, things have been messed up all day. I feel like things are just getting worse for me.

Some days - or weeks or months - are harder than others. Things will improve again.

It must be the summer. One would think the winter would be more of a problem for flare-ups.

theres no pattern to my episodes and hospitalizations. ive had multiple hospitalizations in every season of the year. in fact i think ive also been hospitalzed in every month of the year except may and june and july. but ive been hospitalized still in the summer. i was in in august of 2008 for about a month.

but the times im hospitazlied the most are spring and fall. kinda hard to say still thoug becuz its not clustered either. like i said ive had hospitalizations and flare up in every part of every season.

so theres no real pattern. its whenever.
but i know it has gotten worse as i gotten older.

I don't know why my housemate is so intent on me moving with him. He did say some time ago that if anything happens to him that the ex-housemate can't throw me out. That was a condition he set with her if she were to ever own half the house. So perhaps my housemate has genuine concern for me. I would like to think so but on the other hand is it because I won't be around to take care of his dogs? But he also said to me that I won't have to mow or clean up leaves anymore because will be on a lagoon so there's that to take into consideration as well (just thinking about a lagoon/water is making me crazy).

I just want to crawl under a rock or just take massive amounts of meds to quell this apprehension/anxiety or better yet, to just die in my sleep to end this uncertainty because it's eating me alive.

You are not alone. I feel so despondent and it is getting worse as the days pass.

My hospitalizations were in October and in January.