Roll Call Twelve

He did say he thinks he may be trying to distract himself from thinking about the job interview. And I told him it was a good thing if it helps. I didn't tell him that it's not generally the kind of thing that others enjoy listening to you work out over the phone.

Or studying French? I was counting my text messages in French in reverse as I deleted them today.

Today was a family member's birthday and I didn't spend much on him, but he loved his gifts! I'm so glad he really liked them and I realized that I could go to a good discount store and buy good gifts for everyone without making myself broke this christmas. This means I won't be stressed about Christmas for once. (:

On the 2nd week of Xmas my teachers gave to me
5 all-nighters
4 hrs crying
3 mental beakdowns
2 thoughts of dropout
& a month of anxiety

Newtus,
Are there other, better hospitals around you?

I know here in upstate New York there are a few within a couple of hours of eachother. There is a HUGE difference in how they are run. There is only one hospital I will have Bean admitted to because they treat a person very well.

We actually will wait for a bed to open up instead of admitting her somewhere else.

Maybe search around for a better place in your state where you will be treated better and come out feeling better too?

Or talk to your pdoc and see if they can do it for you maybe.

Thinking of you.....

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

My mind is really racing. I am having trouble focusing on reading and paying attention really bad right now. I don't know my mood exactly I just feel all over the place. I don't htink I'm going do so well but just trying to keep up today. Sorry I'm not on much. I have been going in and out of these anxiety attacks for no reason for days now.

theres a few in about 50 mile distance radius punky

only 1 is good. they treat me nice there but have kinda poor quality treatment. meaning theres not much specialized therapy groups or therapy. its mostly geared towards depression and anxiety. they treat me nice but are not set up to deal with more severe mental illnesses. every other place is like a ward from one flew over the cuckoos nest forreal.

texas has the worst mental health in the usa. its actually literally at the bottom of the list LITERALLY when u look at the national rating list for mental health care. its number 50 or 51. however many states there are. i frgt.

i got my records from one hospital stay and all i have to say is WOW...the notes in there. are like...

they like talk about me like im mentally retarted. apparently they put schizoaffective bipolar type and said affect was flat. and said like...omg...just it was literally maybe 40 pages of me. this thick packet. thats just 1 hospital stay out of what? maybe 20 in my life.

they put i was "child like" "slow speech" "extremely severe psychosocial stressors" "flat affect" "responding to internal stimuli. difficult to interview"

and just on and on and on 40 pages or so.

How the hell are they getting bipolar? I just don't see that in any of your posts and I've talked to a lot of bipolar people, that just doesn't seem to be right. They're talking about schizophrenia symptoms it sounds like./.. why they say bipolar when you obviously have sz? I just, I'm confused. I'm really sorry this all happened to you.

Spent hours in the cemetery, just to avoid the police and government.

No beds locally so no hospital.

I can take extra diazepam and I got some meds for sleep, can hardly focus on this, the nurse from the crisis team said I looked tired and I am, been a hard day.

well they said schizoaffective bipolar subtype. which i think more schizoaffective depressive subtype. but idk. all their notes talked about my flat affect and slow speech so im surprised they they thought the subtype was bipolar and not depressive.

one time i got schizoaffective depressive subtype. as long as they got the schiz part right which i feel they KINDA did its KINDA OK. im not mad or anything.

i kinda think IF psychiatrists think schizoaffective is schizophrenia AND a mood disorder then ill be ok. cuz i already know i have schizo something.

i just tthought it was more schizophrenia

Sorry its been so long. A lot of stressful things happened. First of all I regressed/ dissociated for a very long time. Its from the stress, its my coping mechanism which is getting worse each year. Its never lasted days before. I see my writings in my journal. Very sad. So a lot of stress happened then. I found out that before we move, the house will cost between 10-30,000 dollars to repair. Then mom's sickness got worse. Coughs so loud that heads explode. No sign of getting better. On top of that mom's credit card was stolen (online). This has happened so many times its not funny. We attract the Dark Ones (Demons). I go between the 1984 Earth and the 2013 Earth all the time. I am completely hopeless. The War is near, the worlds will collide. The China problem still exists. I see the Dark Ones everywhere. Next year is the year of Darkness, Hell on Earth... OK maybe just hell for us. The Sun's brightness for the rest of the world will is happiness. The economy will race on. Disasters will be low. I don't know when the collision will take place, along with the war. But before then expect great things for the entire world, except a storm cloud over my (new dinky) house. I am crying for help, to the angels above. To God. Tears running down my multiple chinned face. Everyone will need surgery next year. My heart explodes from the stress. I can't figure out what to write right now.

i have all my records from every hospitalization and ive been in the hospital over 25 times i lost count. i had to get them for a lawsuit. it was troubling to read some of them.

well i have the basic records from all them that show my diagnosis and my treatment but i put in a request for the records they dont show u. the notes they make about you. so it was slightly shocking. only slightly.

the personal notes. the doctors personal thoughts.

they make me out to be half mentally retarded and i mean SLOW. mentally slow. yet say i have a bipolar subtype in schizophrenia.

you got multiple chins?!

I'm getting my notes from my hospital stay, but the staff get to check (?edit) them first to make sure it's ok for you to see, which takes ages. Then they charge you to make copies. It's all to discourage you from asking for them I think. They don't want you to know what they think. I'm especially interested because when talking to me they've twisted things to fit whatever their current theory is e.g. when they thought I was depressed, they said that the ECT had helped my mood, but now I'm not biologically depressed and they don't want me to have any more ECT, they said my mood didn't improve with ECT, so I'm eager to see what's written down on paper.

*Willow*

Newtus, I am just referring to how fat I am. I am very fat from the anti psychotics.

i am so sorry
i had not much thinkibg into what u meant.

man...
hey what APs u on?

cus im worried about weight gain and im on haldol AND risperdal

I was on 25 mg of Haldol awhile ago. I am talking about the pills, not injections. It made me sleep 20 hours a day. Right now the one I'm on is not responsible for the weight gain, but its Latuda. Was on Risperdal a LONG time ago. I mean years. I've been on nearly every anti psychotic except a few and I refuse taking the ones like Zyprexa and Clozaril.

im like u firebird.

i refuse to take zyprexa and clozaril.

zyprexa made me gain weight and clozaril is so potent that did u know they have to register your name and social security number in a registry if ur on it?

i been on all antipsychotics too except clozaril. seroquel made me gain weight and now im back on risperdal which didnt help in the first place!!!

im on 100mg haldol which i tthink is same as 10mg haldol oral

Did anyone see the drama about the sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral? He signed the whole thing as nonsense with no real signs. Apparently he's not a fraud, but schizophrenic and seeing angels etc while he was supposed to be interpreting. I've got to be honest, I'm not buying it. If he did know how to sign, then he'd know how important facial expression and mouth movements are to sign language, but he hardly moved his face at all. If he is a fake, I think it's terrible that he'd pretend to be sz to get out of trouble, like 'oh we can't have a go at him cos he's sz'.

Also I don't know if it was on the US news, but here there was outrage from the commentators on the news about a schizophrenic being stood next to Obama, further perpetuating the stigma that all people with sz are violent and can attack at any moment. To be honest, I think the whole debacle is disgusting to genuine people with sz

*Willow*

the haldol is actually not even touchibg me much. barely working.


i saw that willow!

How long does it take a change in dose to take effect Newtus? I'm curious because I stopped my AP over a week ago and haven't noticed an increase in my symptoms. I'm worried that that means the drs are right and I don't have psychosis...well worried isn't the right word because I don't want to have psychosis obviously, but I believe them to be wrong and expected my voices etc to get worse off the meds. Maybe it's too soon to tell?? IDK. Sorry I'm rambling

*Willow*

i think it fully takes a month

but many people will notice hallucinations come back after stopping meds with 2-7 days. i notice right the next day if i stoppd mine. but i think mine might be pretty bad idk.

i also heard starting and stopping meds (which i have done a lot) cause psychosis harder to manage once u get back on meds. makes it never be able to go away completely.

idk if u have psychosis or not. but i feel like if ur knowledgable about psychosis and understand urself a bit then youd know if u have it or not. nevermind those docs - if u need help - u need it. sometimes the docs dont know what they are talking about. but some do. some are old and worn out and dont care and some are not schooled enouugh or have enough experience. so choose docs wisely.

I don't think he has sz either. My son saw the drama about him being near Obama. I think he was pretty upset about it.

omg im drinking this energy drink called cocaine. its 3x strongerr than red bull and its tearing me up right now