Roll Call Twelve

Obama is working with muslim terrorists.

The government are flying black helicopters outside my house.

i hate this medicine

it takes away all my creativity. all my ability to see patterns in the world in the littlest things. it takes away all my biggest creativist ideas. just everything.

thats my life you see. while some people strive to work for make friends or relationships or do school. - art iss my life. every f_king thing i do is art. i could care less about the normality of this world. any aspect of normality because it has been in me since i was born. AND ITS BEEN TAKING AWAY.

My mother was actually very happy to hear that it could be epilepsy. She never really believed in psychological disorders so me being diagnosed with a neurological disorder could make a big difference for her. I'm confused about my other delusions and hallucinations though. The psychiatrist never said if they were from seizures or not which alarms me.

That's how my medication was too. But we explained it to my doctor and went from 15mg to 10mg of the stuff, and now I have -just enough- of the meds that my hallucinations aren't causing an issue, but I can still draw and do my art and stuff (though admittedly not as good as before).

It's rough. Art is my life, and I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if I had to make a black and white choice between my 'sanity' and my art.

I don't have much to say anymore.

So effin guilty

Maybe tell that to your pdoc/therapist, newtus? Just tell them that art helps you reclaim the way you feel & you haven't been able to do anything... Maybe that could help you get at least a small decrease? Conveying that you want to make changes to improve your state of mind -- you just can't with the meds so high.

It's worth a shot. It's worth it to get to create again.

Self-update:
I'm just hanging out over here & still doing really good. Nothing really to talk about!! Hope everyone is doing well... And if they're not, that it passes soon!

Hey guys...im back after being sectioned for 3 weeks....it wasn't nice and i hated it...there was nothing to do...no programs nothing at all! which made things so fun :/...in order to come off my section i have to go into another hospital...this time a private...in order for me to get officially discharged and off my section.
i was forced to take injections (held down and everything)..twice and put into seclusion once...it wasn't a nice feeling being in seclusion and i was lucky the second time they didn't put me in there...since i complied i guess they didn't need to.
this time ill be in a good hospital that runs a program specifically focusing on psychosis, which will hopefully be good and i won't have to come back! I'm doing well otherwise...had my meds tweaked which i think has helped a lot...but I'm still hearing the voices every so often...which is annoying and scary since they have gotten more distinct over time.

Shay: hopefully the good feelings keep up and stick around for a long time!

i told my doc that about my creativity.

i couldnt understand his s_hit answer between his indian accent

but he basically didnt care and didnt lower my dose or nothing

Sorry for another post. How can I write this without sounding arcane? I am trying to protect my privacy and not offend anyone here nor break PC posting rules. What sparked this? One of my posts.

I am livid with myself, especially how I conduct myself in social situations. I must be violating social norms here too, just like I do out in the world. It feels like I say and write too much, just like I talk. No wonder I have no friends. I am a socially inept individual.

Usually, I regret posting and offering assistance. Lately, I have backed off because of my fears. I always feel like I am doing it wrong or I cannot find the correct words to express my concern. I barely know how to express myself with people I know, so I should not be surprised I have trouble with that here too.

My words seem to be misinterpreted. They have to come across as abrasive and self centred. Damn. Why do I share too much? I should know better and be quiet. For this I am backing off and taking a break.

I always wanted to say this: I read all the posts here, even though I don't thank and hug, I deeply feel for people but don't know how to express it. This is one of my shortcomings.

The yearly winter despondency makes it worse and more painful.

My pdoc is from Nigeria I barely understand him either..

I always like your posts, the little didgee. But if you choose to keep your thoughts to yourself, that's okay too. I thought you explained yourself very clearly. Thanks.

Thank you.

My (now deleted at my request) epilepsy post triggered this. I am much too sensitive for this.

I like your posts too, didgee.

Thanks.

Sorry, I need to let this out. This is really bothering me. The online world is reminding me of my social difficulties a bit too much. How do you cope?

Here is my feeling...everyone steps in dog dodo socially every once in a while...most people understand that it's due to our diversity and inherent differences in opinion and that why people forgive and forget...nothing is etched in stone.

I get what you are saying. I need to think like that and be a little less harsh on myself.

Thanks for replying.

Yep. Remember everyone occasionally says things they regret. Stay awesome!

Hugs to all of you! Everyone hang in there!

im at my moms right now. its 4:49 am

because my dad got drunk. not bad but it got a little uncomfortable there...

im going back home later this morning. i talked to him at 3am. he seems ok now. i love him very much

Maybe it's time to investigate alternative places to live?

would u believe me if i said i feel bad about leaving him? i do. i feel like id be abandoning him. my mom and sis said theres some serious codependency going on here

i work 1030 to 730, 9 hours, today. i worked 9 hours yesterday too. i dont like the long shifts.

I don't know... maybe.... but I can understand the situation from a couple of angles because of my own experience.

Because my mom died it was just me and my dad. And when I was 17 and just out of high school, I was worried to leave my dad so I could go to university, which I wanted to go out of state but I never even tried. I worried because he had really bad untreated depression, and I was afraid of what he might do because he also behaved as if my leaving was abandoning him.
But, my dad used to guilt me also, make me feel like I would fail. But I know it's because he didn't want me to "abandon" him.

It was just by chance that our insurance agent died, and his widow started going to our church. My dad had insurance with them since before I was born. So, because my dad found a friend and eventually she became my step-mother. I was able to move on with my own life but not in the healthiest ways. And, I never did go to university, just community college and then trade school.

There's a lot of variables in these situations.

I do believe you, and that's what I thought was going on. I understand your feeling that way, but I still think you need to move out and start building a better life for yourself. As things stand, neither of you is doing much good for the other - or for yourselves.