Roll Call Twelve

i could maybe drive to the city 50 miles from here. but prob not a few times a month. MAYBE idk. i dont drive anymore. my dad drives me.

um i feel i cant be helped and am a lost cause becuz i been through so many avenues already that have done nothing for me. therapy. doctors. that stuff doesnt help. thatd mainly what ive done. and then partly because i cant be pleased. like i could do somethigg art wise but i may not be happy. i tend to quit everything. the only thing ive ever finished or even halfway dont in life is i graduated high school and lost weight. ive started tons of things and never done a da_mn thing. because it becomes boring.

if it seemms like im shootng down your help its only cuz i have no hope for myself

i wouldnt mind having a case manager to help me tho with stuff like that.

i dont drive because my sz gets bad when i drive and i cant trust myself either. my dad worries. i have hallucinations. n ive driven myself to places like bridges and tried to jump off em.

Do you qualify for assertive community treatment?

i actually have no idea

You recognize it. That is a start. Now what can you do about it? You don't need to reply to my question, just think about it.

This is a good idea.

Been talking to someone on zoosk and they want to meet up after Christmas.
I should be happy about this, but I'm not, I think I just want to be alone, all Im bothered about is my Dr and gang stalkers.

Newtus, I know you've been through so much. I can see why you have no hope for yourself. But, I honestly believe that it's not too late for you. You're still very young and advancements are happening all the time. I think you just need to find the right combination of help. A case manager might be a really good idea. Someone who can advocate for you, someone not your dad. Example is when giving birth to a baby there's a lady called a doula. She's not a mid-wife or a doctor but she's a support person. It's her job to know the ins and outs of the hospital and how to deal with the doctors and advocate for the mother while she's under stress of labor, (becuase all your enegery goes to the baby.) Dads often don't know about the hosptial policies, regulations, or when a doctor is pulling your leg trying to "hurry along" a birth by pushing for an unnecessary c-section, etc. (Yes, it does happen sadly.) Anyway, the doula is a lady you can hire to be there not only to help you have the baby physically, but fight for you.

So... I think you need like a mental health "doula" or someone who understands the system, knows the BS, and is not emotionally entangled. I think that would be an excellent idea you should look into it! It's not too late to give up hope!

Kurhea: if you're not up for a relationship it's probalby really responsible to wait. But it doesn't hurt to make friends just as friends. But, don't be pushed into anything you're not ready for.

I have decided to take a break from Roll Call. I wish all of you the very best and will keep each of you in my prayers.

Yeah I think it might be best if I wait until I'm ready.

Cracking - hope you're ok

i wasnt gonna post today

but went from feeling homicidal to suicidal in a matter of minutes and just feel crappy

I'm glad you posted.

Sometimes one way to fight the dark thoughts it to admit they are there. Fighting alone is hard. Even if no one knows what to say, I think everyone here knows that fight and wants to see you be okay.

Im glad you posted too.

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(((hugs))) KUREHA

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NEWTUS:


I'M VERY SORRY FOR SAYING IT THIS WAY!

You know I said I was taking a break from Roll Call but I've been thinking about what you said Newtus. You said you felt ganged up on. I just went back through Roll Call and reread a lot of pages. I see that in the posts I was responding to a lot of things that you were saying. I even wrote the above quote to you. I can understand now why you felt like I was judging you or ganging up on you. I've been thinking a lot about this and I think I reacted so strongly about you saying that you punch your dad because of what I went through in my past.

I'm going to go out of my comfort zone here and share a little....

I grew up in many forms of abuse. My step dad would physically harm my mother who was Schizophrenic. He would also harm my brother and I. He would do this a lot while drinking. His excuse would always be that we were doing stupid stuff.

In my two marriages, I was abused. Always with the excuse I was doing stupid stuff.

Enough said.

This is why I said what I did when you said you punch your dad. I didn't realize it when I responded to you but now I've thought it through and I think hearing that just touched a deep spot in me that must still be very sensitive to the issue.

Now the wanting to lose weight and be super skinny is something I deal with on a daily basis with my 19 yr old daughter. She does have an eating disorder. Weight and being skinny is something she talks about every single day. It hurts me deeply. It is a very sensitive issue to me.

I know that these are MY issues. I in no way wanted to hurt your feelings, or make you feel judged or ganged up on. I want you to feel comfortable to post what you want. When I do respond to your posts it is because I do care and I want to help. If I can't help myself and I can help someone else then that is good for me. I have offered a lot of advice to you in the past and have even done research for your area where you live to try to help you with some of the things you were posting about. You don't live that far from me. Truth is I am not well either. My intentions are to help others if possible and learn from others when I can. And apologize when I have over stepped boundaries.

I greatly apologize for upsetting you in any way. I hope that you will forgive me for I am not perfect and I do make many mistakes.

I'm curious to know if this was directed to me?

I apologize if this is how I made it appear. It was certainly not my intentions.

I don't know you, but I admire your strength and openness. Thank you for posting this.

You pointed out something very important for all of us to think about when we post. We have be careful, because we are all from different backgrounds. Content that may come across as harmless may actually be offensive and/or triggering to other members. We just don't know.

It is hard to navigate the online world.

crackingslowly...

weird you said that cause ive been doing some thinking too. on my part.

i figured i had anger issues to sort out. idk. i felt ganged up on only becuase when i call out something that i FELT was against me than i felt jumped on for doing it. but i got mad becuz i was never making an eating disorder to be a small issue and never was saying i was trying to have an eating disorder. at first i said i didnt think i could get one because i legit dont have one. that i have too many problems itd prob be impossible to add another problem right? that what i was saying.

i mean sorry iff it came off wrong. but i was never making fun or wish i had an eating disorder. i just felt like a few people jumped on me for that. but theres no doubt ill admit im quite obsessed with losing weight. i look at my stomach and thighs every hour and think how i can improve or eat less or how i (and let me just be candidly honest) want to be emaciatingly skinny. because i just do.

idk if i have an anger issue. probably so. i also felt like everytime i step down and say "im sorry" for something that im the only person owning up to issue. which a lot of times it turns out that way for me. in family and in my past and present.

im sorry about what happened in your past. i admitted what i did about my dad to get it off my chest. but maybe there ARE some things better left not to be said idk? i do have trouble with filtering myself. i just know i couldnt say i did that in real life and this was the only place i felt could.

i realize what you have done for me. i actually realize numerous people have tried to help me. here. thats why i keep coming back. and because im so alone so often cuz i have no one else to talk to. not in real life anyway. my dad yea...but thats not the same. i think that speaks for itself. but anyway...im sorry too. i ..uh...dont know what to do with myself anymore. idk what to do with help and advice thats given to me. ive lost so much hope for myself it doesnt even register anymore.

this is half the reason why ive been rethinking my online presence. that and because people may start finding me here. may already have. idk. doubt it but could have.

i dont want to sour my presence here. but then i want to be open to get help. but then being off here im alone as ever. back to square 1 as they say.

Thank you! I did some serious soul searching because it really hurt my heart to think that Newtus felt ganged up on and judged. And that she wasn't comfortable posting how she felt. I did not intend to be the cause of any of her suffering. I seriously only desired to help and to have her see things through a different set of eyes. That statement from me could look harsh and like I was judging when really that wasn't my intentions. I was trying to make a point. Therefore I think I over stepped boundaries.

If she and I could have been sitting face to face and she could of seen my emotions when I said that then she would understand that I wasn't being mean. I honestly wasn't.

If I am in the wrong I can take a step back and own my stuff. I learn from my mistakes. This is how I grow to be a better person.

I honestly never thought that you were wanting an eating disorder or that you were making fun of an eating disorder. I was just sharing with you about my daughter. Not meaning to make you feel like I thought you were like her. I apologize for the misunderstanding here.

If I ever make a mistake here on Roll Call please let me know if I've over stepped my boundaries. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I never ever meant to upset you with anything I post. I honestly do worry about you and I pray for you every single day because it really hurts my heart the things you go through. I wish that I could make things all better for you. My intentions are good here I promise.

i believe you. you seem very sincere in wanting to help. me and others. you are welcome here. anytime. night/day.

my trying to get my life in order fails always completely.

like for example. i got denied extra help for medicare the other day. and i in the recent past got denied medicaid.

but i was also like the case manager thing.

but anyway everything just sucks right now.

Thank you for forgiving me.