[Sometimes psychotic]

Confessions - NEC Article

Despite how long its been and how brief a stay I had I still can't reconcile my hospital experience---I liked this article on the need to subdue one's inner bad patient while in there if only to escape.

[newtus]

i read some of it. i liked it. i feel like thats what im tryig to say all the time but people take what i say the wrong way and twist it and mess it up in peices.

[newtus]

i seriously hate compliance because like she said a healthy person is strong and assertive and when u try that with them they thinkg your sick. but im forced to comply because like she said at the end the unwanted strings attached and the fact that i have nowhere else to go or i mean no other - outside of mental professionals - for support.

[The_little_didgee]

I am also having a very difficult time coming to terms with my hospitalizations. What makes it really hard is not having a diagnosis. In the past I was told I had BPD, a condition that is not seen as an illness but as a flawed personality. Staff view these patients as manipulative, demanding, needy and not deserving of treatment. I was always blamed for my problems. After that nobody was really interested in helping me. All my complaints/symptoms were interpreted as BPD behaviors and interpersonal, not biological. They made so many inaccurate assumptions and diagnosed me with problems that I never ever had so I could fit neatly in the BPD diagnosis.

Eventually I had to flee. My hospitalizations taught me that there are valid illnesses and bad personalities. I admit that I feel envious of people who have a diagnosis, especially one that isn't a personality disorder. I'd rather by floridly psychotic than have a personality disorder. At least you will be taken more seriously and not blamed for it.

Apparently I am depressed. My psychiatrist diagnosed it right before Christmas. She asked me to take the medication. I said I would but never did. It seems so pointless to me considering my history is personality disorder, which means I will never be heard and appreciated. I am ready to quit seeing my psychiatrist because I see no point. My family and friends say I am depressed and in need of treatment. People at the university have noticed. Yesterday one told me how much I have changed in a matter of weeks. Strangers see it too. A few commented on my sad and tired look. I want to comply for my mother but at the same time I don't want to because of that terrible diagnosis that I cannot seem to shake off my soul.

Thanks for sharing the article. It described some of my experiences.

Thanks for the article Sometimes!

Didgee, I could have written most of what you wrote as I feel very similar

I'm worried about 'falling through the cracks' as I have no appts with anyone from the CMHT. It worries me because I'm scared about what will happen to me on my own with no 'professional' support. Yet the writer said that was good for her... Taking disability benefits does come with unwelcome strings attached as it ties you into the MH system. I wish I could win the lottery or something to remove this feeling of helplessness I feel about my finances and my future. Then I wouldn't have to worry about being 'ill enough' according to the 'professionals' to stay on benefits, and I wouldn't have to stress about finding work which currently feels beyond me. It would give me the space to figure out what I want. I think that's the key to recovery. I'm not saying that I *want* to have sza, but being diagnosis-less feels like a personal attack on my core, like I'm fundamentally defective, rather than a regular person who happens to have a medical condition. Feeling like I'm fundamentally defective in important aspects of who I am just feels monumentally awful. Who am I to have dreams or hopes or ambitions?! I have nothing to 'recover' from as this is me, forever broken. And so what is the point in getting out of bed??? I truly have no idea anymore.

*Willow*

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I'm not saying that I *want* to have sza, but being diagnosis-less feels like a personal attack on my core, like I'm fundamentally defective, rather than a regular person who happens to have a medical condition. Feeling like I'm fundamentally defective in important aspects of who I am just feels monumentally awful. Who am I to have dreams or hopes or ambitions?! I have nothing to 'recover' from as this is me, forever broken. And so what is the point in getting out of bed??? I truly have no idea anymore.

*Willow*

I feel forever broken, too.

[nbritton]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Apparently I am depressed. My psychiatrist diagnosed it right before Christmas. She asked me to take the medication. I said I would but never did. It seems so pointless to me considering my history is personality disorder, which means I will never be heard and appreciated. I am ready to quit seeing my psychiatrist because I see no point. My family and friends say I am depressed and in need of treatment. People at the university have noticed. Yesterday one told me how much I have changed in a matter of weeks. Strangers see it too. A few commented on my sad and tired look. I want to comply for my mother but at the same time I don't want to because of that terrible diagnosis that I cannot seem to shake off my soul.

When I see a new psychiatrist for the first time I try to conceal my previous medical records. I want the new doctor to first get to know me and evaluate me, on their own, without any possible precedence that might be established within old medical records. Secondly, this is also a useful way to test the competency of a new doctor, the ones worth their salt won't need your previous records.

It's not hard to do, just forget to sign the medical release for your old records, then they will have to do a full initial intake. Since all the information your giving the new doctor is coming directly from you, you'll get to decide what you're comfortable with sharing.

In general, this is how you go about getting a second opinion on a diagnosis... which is unfortunate for me, as all my doctors agree that I'm insane.

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I feel forever broken, too.

I'm sorry that you feel like this too

Originally Posted by nbritton

It's not hard to do, just forget to sign the medical release for your old records, then they will have to do a full initial intake. Since all the information your giving the new doctor is coming directly from you, you'll get to decide what you're comfortable with sharing.

In general, this is how you go about getting a second opinion on a diagnosis... which is unfortunate for me, as all my doctors agree that I'm insane.

It's not just about getting it removed from your records or having a new doc not know, it's as Didgee said about getting it removed from your soul. Removing it from a piece of paper won't change the hurt one feels from feeling fundamentally flawed and broken. I honestly have no idea how to go about undoing that.

*Willow*

[newtus]

im sorry willow

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

It's not just about getting it removed from your records or having a new doc not know, it's as Didgee said about getting it removed from your soul. Removing it from a piece of paper won't change the hurt one feels from feeling fundamentally flawed and broken. I honestly have no idea how to go about undoing that.

*Willow*

I see my psychiatrist in one of the local ACTT offices. When she did my assessment she did it without accessing my previous records. She actually respected my refusal to sign for my records, which was a big surprise since most of the clients she works with have severe and persist mental illness. Despite my history of psychosis and her claim that I don't have a PD, it doesn't matter, because it is deeply ingrained in my soul. No matter how many times she tells me I don't have a PD, it doesn't change my feelings at all or make me feel any better about my past.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

It's not just about getting it removed from your records or having a new doc not know, it's as Didgee said about getting it removed from your soul. Removing it from a piece of paper won't change the hurt one feels from feeling fundamentally flawed and broken. I honestly have no idea how to go about undoing that.

*Willow*

Wow this is like the perfect wording for what I've been feeling lately....my new pdoc thinks I'm sane enough to not need meds...she wants to see me once more in three months and then never again if I'm still OK but I still feel broken at a soul level so part of me is afraid to leave care. Thank you for this...

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I see my psychiatrist in one of the local ACTT offices. When she did my assessment she did it without accessing my previous records. She actually respected my refusal to sign for my records, which was a big surprise since most of the clients she works with have severe and persist mental illness. Despite my history of psychosis and her claim that I don't have a PD, it doesn't matter, because it is deeply ingrained in my soul. No matter how many times she tells me I don't have a PD, it doesn't change my feelings at all or make me feel any better about my past.

Do you think that part of it is being hurt by people we trust...I mean as a kid we worshipped our docs always drawing the best pics for their walls etc so you come to expect they are people who genuinely care and then at least with pdocs you find this odd reality that can be quite divergent from that....it's like a breach of trust or something...I still wonder why he sent me to inpatient...like didn't he know a part of me would die there? I mean there is this huge dichotomy between people that actually like you and those that would sell you out if you say the wrong thing....and in your case it's an even greater betrayal because your pdoc was wrong and you trusted him/her and internalized it.

You mentioned before about getting a T to deal with some social anxiety, how about one that will also work on helping you repair whatever was tainted by going inpatient/being a MH patient? You could always go back to a pdoc if you needed/wanted to so it's not like the door would be shut forever.

*Willow*

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

You mentioned before about getting a T to deal with some social anxiety, how about one that will also work on helping you repair whatever was tainted by going inpatient/being a MH patient? You could always go back to a pdoc if you needed/wanted to so it's not like the door would be shut forever.

*Willow*

Yeah I was thinking about but it strikes me as ironic to get therapy because I was traumatized by psych care but then my original T never had the same negative impact...so it might work....it's a really good idea and I was kind of more and more for getting a T anyway.

I think it's a really good idea Sometimes.

*Willow*

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Do you think that part of it is being hurt by people we trust...I mean as a kid we worshipped our docs always drawing the best pics for their walls etc so you come to expect they are people who genuinely care and then at least with pdocs you find this odd reality that can be quite divergent from that....it's like a breach of trust or something...I still wonder why he sent me to inpatient...like didn't he know a part of me would die there? I mean there is this huge dichotomy between people that actually like you and those that would sell you out if you say the wrong thing....and in your case it's an even greater betrayal because your pdoc was wrong and you trusted him/her and internalized it.

Probably. One doctor who I thought was truthful and non-judgemental changed his opinion of me and his willingness to help after the psychiatrist put BPD in my chart. I remember feeling very betrayed.

Psychiatry feels so personal. The personality is not separated from the illness, unlike medical conditions.

I have learned most doctors are not interested in helping people. They often take the approach that strips one of their humanity and dignity who is then left to pick up the pieces. Who do they turn to after that, especially if they have an "illness" that needs to be treated?

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Probably. One doctor who I thought was truthful and non-judgemental changed his opinion of me and his willingness to help after the psychiatrist put BPD in my chart. I remember feeling very betrayed.

Psychiatry feels so personal. The personality is not separated from the illness, unlike medical conditions.

I have learned most doctors are not interested in helping people. They often take the approach that strips one of their humanity and dignity who is then left to pick up the pieces. Who do they turn to after that, especially if they an "illness" that needs to be treated?

It's totally personal...I remember one former patient that described them as emotional prostitutes...like you're paying them to be friendly or something...it's a very bizarre relationship you never know if they actually care or if they are just doing their job.

My old pdoc happened to get on the bus with me this morning and he sat next to me and we talked (for free) for like ten minutes...he asked me how I was doing and I answered briefly and then asked him with great emphasis how he was doing ...I had never asked that before it was like a total change in the relationship...

It sounds like your current doc is very good...maybe it is genuine?

[newtus]

you have some odd interactions with people Sometimes. i wish i had those. mine are odd in a bad way.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

you have some odd interactions with people Sometimes. i wish i had those. mine are odd in a bad way.

Yeah well if you sign up for OKCupid you too will have odd interactions!

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

It's totally personal...I remember one former patient that described them as emotional prostitutes...like you're paying them to be friendly or something...it's a very bizarre relationship you never know if they actually care or if they are just doing their job.

Interesting description. I think of them more as extirpators.

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

My old pdoc happened to get on the bus with me this morning and he sat next to me and we talked (for free) for like ten minutes...he asked me how I was doing and I answered briefly and then asked him with great emphasis how he was doing ...I had never asked that before it was like a total change in the relationship...

It sounds like your current doc is very good...maybe it is genuine?

That is a great experience. The man obviously respects you. My psychiatrist shared some personal details about herself a few times. I never had that happen before. When she did this the first time I realized she was a human being.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Interesting description. I think of them more as extirpators.


That is a great experience. The man obviously respects you. My psychiatrist shared some personal details about herself a few times. I never had that happen before. When she did this the first time I realized she was a human being.

Wow I had to look up extirpators, never heard it before...

Yeah he is a great pdoc...but that is part of my problem it would be so much easier if I could hate or blame him but really he saved my life...he was also the head of inpatient care so it's hard not to blame him for my experience there but I keep telling myself he only knew me for one hour prior to that decision...and also that he probably sees the hospital entirely differently because he only gets respect there and he can leave whenever he wants...so it's not a bad place for him at all...