Roll Call 18

Lol. I know Newtus. I didnt think you were yelling. But I do know your frusterated. Just take them darn pills every day!!!

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Wonder how Willow is.


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I've had a ridiculously busy and stressful few days so I've not been around, sorry. I was so nervous yesterday on my way to the psychologist appt that I thought I would pass out, but he seemed nice enough and reasonably competent. I told him the type of things I wanted to work on, and explained that though I am insightful into why I have these issues I struggle to change them. We talked about when I supposedly had CBT before and why I feel it wasn't helpful, and how after telling me our sessions were open-ended the T suddenly changed jobs and I hadn't made any progress. Then he told me that he was unable to provide long term therapy, but 16 sessions max. (which my parents were really cross about when I told them afterwards), and intended to start with 6 and then review our progress. He tried to make out I was angry about that, but I explained that I wasn't angry, though possibly disappointed, as I know how the NHS and psychology profession operates and how unusual it is to do long term therapy. I didn't mention the whole PD/lack of diagnosis thing because I chickened out, and I'm hoping to get my hospital records soon.

He tried to make out that 12-16 sessions was loads of time, but I disagreed. I pointed out that I spent 15 sessions with CBT T just messing about talking about things without emotions and laughing stuff off as no big deal, until I realised what I was doing and started being more authentic. And then he left. Psychologist seemed to think this was a huge breakthrough and that I magically wouldn't do that this time, but I explained my doubts. Firstly I realised this years ago and haven't been able to stop doing it, and secondly I've even told people (inc CBT T!) that I do this and they STILL fall for it, thinking I'm doing fine when I'm not. So I said I could easily go 16 sessions with him and make no progress whatsoever, and how this is my last chance at therapy, both in my eyes and the CMHT's eyes.

Anyway I'm near the top of the list: he anticipates starting around May. Then he did this annoying thing the other psychologist did at my last assessment too where they seem to be fishing around for compliments - how did I think the session went? What went well? Did I feel he understood me? Etc. It's just weird. And he said that he was surprised at how open I was, because he expected me to say nothing or very little after meeting me at the hospital discharge meeting. But that time I had Mum there (and she talks over me) and I was P'd off last time, though I didn't say any of that. I said that after years of experience of talking about myself and the past, that I'm used to being expected to talk about it with strangers, and that though he feels that I've opened up, I haven't told him anything I consider to be that personal or emotional. It's pretty much all in my file already!

Anyway that's basically all that happened that I can remember, except on my way out I saw hospital pdoc in the corridor and felt ridiculously angry with her. I wanted to smash something which isn't like me at all.

The rest of yesterday I had to babysit my sister and cook tea while my Mum had her hospital appt. I got so stressed with my sister and then overwhelmed at having to cook that I sobbed the whole time I was cooking. Luckily I stopped before my parents got home so nobody saw my meltdown, which is good but I just feel so pathetic to be overwhelmed by something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things

Today I had a migraine, which luckily eventually subsided a bit so I could run around like a headless loonie. I've been so busy running errands and haven't stopped all day. I'm exhausted! Then I had youth club this evening, which was hectic as usual, though the kids seem to enjoy decorating their elephants. I still haven't had time to finish mine yet. Then Mum came home from her emergency GP appt cos her blood tests revealed that she's developed diabetes and needed to start meds. We're hoping that it's due to the steroids she's on for her liver and will disappear when she stops the steroids in a few weeks. It's just one thing after another though with her health. Her liver biopsy showed that it's def autoimmune and that the damage almost qualifies as cirrhosis so it's pretty bad

Anyway I'm exhausted and have to go to bed now. Sorry I've not been around the last couple of days. Hopefully tomorrow will be quieter, though my niece and nephew are coming to visit which will be hard work (they're 3 & 1).

Hope everyone's ok

*Willow*

hows bean doing punky?

I think I'm spiraling out of control. Hearing voices again(because I really needed that... NOT), and starting to feel the disorganization haze setting in. ****.

stay with us atypical. stay with us.

you ok?

I'm trying to hold it together but I'm not doing a good job. Racing thoughts and voices really don't mix well. I figured this was going to happen. I'm so frustrated and disheartened with myself.

They're telling me I deserve to die because I'm worthless and good for nothing. Ugh.

Willow that fishing around for compliments is actually because they want to assess how you think things are going my T would always ask me how the last session went at the beginning of the next. If you think they did something unhelpful you have to tell them and they will try another approach or whatever....it's actually a goods thing...therapy is all about you they should be asking. Also I know my affect was a little flat so it can be hard to tell with that...maybe you're in the same boat?

She is okay.
She is beginning to get paranoid about things.
She thinks everybody is talking about her in school.
Besides that, she is good.
The doc has been increasing her thorazine because she has been pparanoid.

She doesnt go anywhere because she has no friends so she is with us all the time except for when she is in school.

Thats okay though.
We like having her around.lol


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(((hugs)))) Atypical.
Wish there was something we could do to help.

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like the point over the top having nothing to do with the meaning of life. It happens so often you see sea bee I need to get myself back into control patrol having nothing over the top head mind find going off the window pains and paynes frustrations going over the top I can't believe this ****. it's complicated and I'm a mess.

Wow. You have been busy!
Glad you updated us on whats going on!
Hang in there Willow.

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Try drawing it or painting how you feel right now?
I know....sounds stupid...trying to distract..

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Daisy woke me up a whole hour before my alarm! Gee! I hate that! My noisy neighbor next door is the reason for that. I think this lady thinks she is the only one who lives in these apartments! Anyways-- I didn't sleep well. I keep having bad dreams that are violent and very scary. So my sleep was on and off with lots of tossing and turning. Ugh! This day might be a rough one. I wish all of you a great day

My dog woke us up this morning too. something was outside. I'm not sure what but she started barking and woke everyone up this morning early. Probably deer.

I have to make soap today I've been putting it off all winter but I need some batches for the farmers market so I have my fat sitting on the wood stove to melt in a big pot.

Should I make tea tree, peppermint, Nag Champa or lemon grass first?

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All of those sound wonderful....I vote peppermint first...

peppermint!

Okay peppermint it is!

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Please tell me if this is a trigger for anyone or not. I sometimes forget some things that I write might be triggering to people.

Bean is seeing scary things again big scary people. She is having delusional thoughts also. If she is not a danger to herself or two others then there's really nothing I can do for her as far as taking her to a hospital. I called her Pdoc to let him know what's going on but what should i do here at home for her?

She told me last night that she needs anxiey medication because she just knows that she's going to
"start seeing and hearing things again she just knows it"

This morning while she was outside waiting for the school bus she saw something and got very scared. I won't describe what it was.

For the past couple of weeks she has been very paranoid and having paranoid thoughts about everything.

So what do I just let this happen and let her work her way through this? Pdoc will probably raise her medication again or change it but how long do I allow this to go on.

I need some advice here my friends.

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It's a hard question for me, punky. I mean, I don't know if anxiety meds will help that. I mean, she's afraid of something that actually happens to her, not some vague something. I don't take anxiety meds and never have had them, but I have anxiety and I just latch onto random things and it makes me sick and feel paralyzed until I find a resolution. I just don't know.

Sorry I haven't been on much. I've been so sick, but hopefully getting better.

So as far as anxiety meds my pdoc was like are you having so much anxiety you literally can't sleep at night? That's when it needs medicine. For anxiety there is this tendency to give benzos which are super addictive and don't actually teach you to deal with the stress. You just learn that you can mute it whenever you want with a drug and never learn to deal with the underlying problem. They are supposed to be used as a short term intervention but people end up on them for years and have to keep increasing the dose. There are however other things for anxiety like Paxil and others---they aren't quite so much a quick fix though.

Personally for anxiety cbt therapy is fantastic because you deal with the underlying problems which is the way you're choosing to deal with the situation. It inserts a new layer of analysis into your cognition. Problem I'm going to start hallucinating again and hallucinating is scary so I'm scared. So you would take it apart and say OK what are the percent chances you're going to start hallucinating and I'll give you a hint its not 100%---how often am I actually hallucinating percent of time hmm only 5% that actually sounds almost tolerable---how much time am I wasting thinking about hallucinating vs actually hallucinating? If I worry about hallucinating can I actually change whether I hallucinate or not? No in fact its increases the chances as its a stressor. SO it might happen or it might not if I have no way to control it then it doesn't matter if I worry about it or not nothing will come of it. The thing is these analytical processes are very person specific what will stop her from worrying will be different than what will stop you. Knowing its not real might seem reasonable to you but in the moment you don't know its not real so that rarely works. In my opinion she needs a therapist to help her with this and people who specialize in anxiety are easy to find however finding one who will deal with anxiety of invisible things might be harder to find in this country---I admit I had a specialist but I suspect you might be able to find someone who can deal with basic stressors like friends teasing etc....the beauty of this is once you know the process you can do it with any anxiety its all equally applicable. There are also books specific for cbt for psychosis although most are directed toward professionals.

I dont think anxiety meds will help either. She was doing so good after coming out of the hospital in October on the thorazine.
Cognitive function was great she wasn't seeing too many things and wasn't hearing too much it just seems like now paranoia has set in.

Last month her Pdoc upped her Thorazine to maybe help with the anxiety and paranoia but it seems like it is not helping. She is not functioning well at all.
On one hand I want her to work through this and do reality checks. This is something that will probably be there for the long term and she needs to know how to work through it.
But then I don't know how much I should have her take on without more help I just don't know what to do.

I hope you get better soon faerie.
(((hugs)))

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Punky Bean
I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful but I don't. I do hope you'll be able to figure out a solution soon.

I'm not sure how much reality testing will help with anxiety---if I get an auditory after not having one for a while there is a huge startle response---its not about what the voices are saying its more like someone snuck up behind you and then yelled or it was dead quite and then a horn beeped. It doesn't matter if its real or not its just loud. There is also the stress of knowing that no matter what you do or how good you are you may not be able to stop it from happening again---kind of like chinese water torture in that sense. Sure its just a drip of water it can't hurt you but you also can't stop it even if you want to...