Roll Call 20

I think I'm slipping again.

Atypical

I don't know why I'm here or why I'm writing this. It feels pointless. My feelings feel pointless. I am pointless.

I donated blood yesterday. It's the first time I've done it in years because of all the poison pills I've been taking. I thought maybe it would make me feel better; helping someone else out. But now I feel like I shouldn't have. If my badness fills every cell in my body, then it obviously travels through my blood stream too. I don't want to contaminate another person, one who's already sick!

**TRIGGER FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**
I saw a film about these people who are suicidal and try to jump off the same building on the same night (A Long Way Down). It was supposed to be uplifting. I guess I was looking for some kind of guidance on how to change my life around. That didn't happen. I don't know why these people didn't kill themselves. I still don't know why I didn't. Fear, I guess. Fear of the unknown; that death may be even worse than existing...idk

I'm not actively suicidal, just passively wishing things will be over soon. I keep thinking about and planning things that I'm probably never going to do/have. It feels like emotional self harm: deliberately thinking something painful and upsetting...

I don't even know why I'm bothering to type this rubbish out. I could easily delete it and this drivel will never exist. If only I could delete the feelings behind it so easily...or myself...

*Willow*

I for one am glad you posted its good to know you are still around...I tend to worry when I don't hear from people for a while although I saw your post on the catatonia question. I am sorry you are feeling bad though...did you get your pink snow yet? We had actual snow this morning which ticks me off I had decided I didn't need boots becuase the sidewalks were melted off and it's supposed to be above freezing and sunny this week but then I was running late and stepped outside in my tennis shoes to maybe half an inch of snow...it was too late to get my boots so I just went for it and it was all melted off by his afternoon.

How are things going with your T?

I don't have advice WeepingWillow but I can understand the feeling. Even when a movie is suppose to be "uplifting" sometimes gives the opposite feeling. That's what depression does to you.

Ha, it snowed here too. Nothing on the ground. I think it even thundered here too. Of course my uncle Tim's dog thought it was an intruder and decided to bark at it. He's such a dumb dog.

Thanks Sometimes! I've been reading but I just felt like anything I wanted to say, whether about me or to support others, was pointless. I still do tbh, but I'm too scared to sleep yet.

Not yet. It's usually April time so a couple more weeks. It sucks about the snow Personally I'm not a fan. I can appreciate the beauty for the first day of snow, but then it turns to grey sludge and black ice and the country grinds to a halt because we have no idea how to run transportation or schools etc with an inch of snow on the ground *sigh* Luckily it doesn't happen often where I live.

I only saw him the once for an assessment. He's hoping to start sessions around May time, but I feel like I'm just going to waste our sessions because I can't trust him and open up...

I have an appt with a new pdoc though on Thursday...it feels completely pointless though. They will have read the bollocks from the previous idiots and will have already made their mind up about me before I even enter the room. I'm only going to find out why, if I have no MI as they told me, I have an OT, psychologist and pdoc!!

*Willow*

Thanks Erti! I'm sorry that you can relate Apparently I don't have depression though...

*Willow*

Whatever it is it seems to be bothering you. Hopefully your pdoc and T will figure it out.

Thanks, but I don't think they will. I've been told that my voices/feelings/beliefs etc do not exist, and so I have no diagnosis, nor am I in the process of being assessed for one. I honestly haven't got a clue why they are seeing me when I was so spectacularly dismissed

I should probably try to go to sleep now. Night everyone

*Willow*

Goodnight Willow

voices are getting higher.

Blunt post warning but seriously if you don't have depression I don't know who does.

Mine are too.

sometimes when i think about stuff i actually dreamed it ya know. i THINK im thinking it but i actually DREAMED it. but it doesnt occur to me til way later.

Cracking your neighbor sounds very unreasonable. I hate neighbors. Some of the houses around me are vacant, and i think its great! ( even though its bad for property value and blahblah)
I gave my two biggest dogs baths after work today, and then cleaned the bathroom. (I kinda didnt have a choice ) They look and smell so nice now! Maybe i should wash my own hair!

lol looking through Tumblr and searched the word "cats"... and I come across this
"HEY. YOU. YEAH YOUGO DO SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. NOW. MOVE YO CUTE *** AND DO SOMETHING KIND FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

VIABLE OPTIONS:
TEA
CHOCOLATE
HOT BATH
SHOWER
LISTENING TO YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC WHILE READING A BOOK
TAKING A SHOWER WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC
LOOKING AT CUTE THINGS
SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
MAKING A FORT
PLANNING A FORT
HIDING UNDER BLANKETS AND PLAYING GAMES WITH A CAT"

I think Tumblr is trying to tell me something.

I had the night off and I slept all night which felt amazing. My head hurts a lot less and I feel less irritable.

I like tumblr a lot, it's usually where I get all my memes from.

Have a great day everyone!

My boyfriend doesn't want me to do volunteer work because he says that I break down to easily from having too much activities in my life. Having bipolar really sucks, it makes me feel like I'm more vulnerable than the average person. I really want to volunteer, but I don't want to go manic. I think if I can have a concrete schedule he might change his mind, but my cna job is always inconsistent so that currently is not possible.

i have a team meeting with T and my recovery coach today in an hour. i asked T if i was in trouble but he said no. i just wonder what it's about. i didn't get much of any sleep sunday night and monday night and the voices came back but they are gone now.

Willow: I'm sorry you're feeling pointless. You're not pointless. And your badness won't go through your blood because you're not bad. Bad people don't care about others and wouldn't give blood to begin with. Even feeling like you do right now, you thought maybe helping others would lift your spirits. That's the sure sign of a wonderful person right there. I know how you feel, with the depression, but trust me you are a good person and you'll get through this.

AD and Newtus: I hope the voices calm down for both of you.

Erti: That's a great list! Although I think I already take care of myself with chocolate too often.

MedicalFox: I think it's great you want to volunteer but I agree that if it will overwhelm you that you won't be helping anyone. I know what you mean about needed a set schedule. I don't think we're more vulnerable having bipolar. I think we run on a higher frequency. I think if society was different mania could be really useful, but with things how they are it just makes us non-functional. Maybe make volunteering a goal for when you have less going on. Like maybe once you finish school.

Junk: I hope it goes well. I hate it when something is different and it makes you worry that you're in trouble. I do that a lot too.

Thanks Atypical, though I don't know whether to feel validated or offended! lol

I've been thinking about volunteering more too, but I'm scared that the added responsibility might send me under and I hate disappointing people...

Hope it goes ok

Thanks Faerie

*Willow*

Anytime lol, it was meant to be validating, I know you struggle a lot.