Roll Call 20

Very cute pics Newtus!

is everyone in bed?

I'm in bed but awake watching Netflix.

im hyped up a bit

Me too! Only i switched to amazon prime. Its a non-sleeping pill night, so i will be probably be up awhile.

i had another panic attack. i realized why im hyped up. cuz im nervous about flying. and its my anxiety keeping me on edge.

man...i wont be getting sleep tonighht

Oh how I missed you all.
I have to go through pages and pages of Roll call to catch up.
I will not go into detail of why I have not been here but I do have to say,

NUNZIO, THIS IS MY TIME. And I choose to be on here for my own well being
But I still love you.

There was a control issue for a bit, but it is taken care of.

So.
I am so glad to have you all back to talk to. This will be very long Im afraid....
Beans hospitalization was a disaster. She was there 10 days and they changed her meds. She told them she was seeing and hearing things and they told her "no your not".

They did not put her on clozaril. Instead, they gave her to a new T who said she was faking and blamed me and my husband for her vivid imagination. We told them she was not ready to come home and they said she was. SHE said something is wrong in her head and she could not come home. The T said 'you are ready to go home'. The Pdoc there Dx her ADHD and anxiety and sent her home on zyprexa and tenex.

Can you believe this?????
We get in the car, I try to call her pdoc that she sees at home but cant get hold of him to tell him what just happened. The whole way home she is crying and saying she cant live like this any more. She doesnt want to live. She is yelling that she needs to go back. That she cant go home yet.

We get home and she is still doing it and is suicidal. Poor Bean has never been suicidal. I brought her to the ER and they admitted her when they heard what happened. She is now at the State Hospital in Binghamton. Childrens section. She has this nice Indian Pdoc in there and when I told her what her 'new' Dx was, and how they tried to blame us for her illness, he slammed his fist on the table. lol

Anyway.....she will be there at least 3 weeks and they want to begin the clozaril. Sadly, I have to agree. I am so tired of my baby suffering. This is the short story because I hate typing for a long time. I miss my Bean and have been crying for DAYS.

I have to tell you. When your child is sick like this and some ignorant doctor comes along and tries to point a finger at the parents, it is the most devastating thing to ever happen you. Thankfully, we got her to a place that understands. This new pdoc says this is normal and happens time to time and to have a tough skin.
I dont have tough skin...but im learning to.

I have also learned to make sure that any doctor who is caring for my child has to be experienced and trained about schizophrenia and psychosis. That is an absolute. Because if they are not experienced with it, this is what happens.

So NOW, she is on her way to feeling better.Funny. The hospital that has been so good for her the 3 other times she was there changed all their staff this last time and turned into the hospital from h.e.l.l.....It is very sad. And the hospital that I did not want her to even go near- the state hospital- ends up being not so scary. They are actually nice. I am totally humbled. And thankful.

But now she is almost 2 hours in the opposite direction.(sigh)
No gas. I hate my life right now.

I missed you all. I miss talking to you and supporting you as you support me.
But Im back.
Things are picking up for spring so there is some business going on and I am coming out of my 'slump' (yeah!) But I will be on. Wish I could give you all a big hug and sloppy kiss I missed you all so much. oh,,,,, you know what I mean!

k. time to go read all the pages that I missed....

I have been up since 3 am.
cant sleep!

Omg.
I just realized we started a new roll call I have 91 pages to read and about 10 pages from roll call 19!
Sheesh you guys! Have I been away that long?
Im so sorry.

Hi punky.

I'm struggling with insomnia so I'm up. I'm so sorry all of that happened regarding bean.

I hope she gets to feeling better. I wish I could be more encouraging, but I'm having a rough time. I haven't really been posting here idk why...paranoia I guess.

Good to see u back.

had a strange dream...

In the dream I was waking up from crying in my sleep and there was my dead grandmother and another older lady trying to comfort me while I woke up. Then I actually woke up and found myself breathing heavily like I was crying.

Boy... I miss my grandmother. She basically raised me when I was little.

Maybe it's my grandmother visiting me from the dead again... she always use to say when she passes away she'll visit me in my sleep. I just wish I wasn't crying. We could of had a fun adventure in my dream.

Glad you're back. Sorry about the mess you have with the doctors at the hospital.

Good mornimg sunshine.
I missed you and im sorry you are struggling. No meds for insomnia?

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I miss my grandma a lot too. She always knew what to say to make me feel better.
Im sorry your sad.

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I'll be alright. I have a fun weekend ahead of me and I can focus on that.

Man I just posted a message explaining the meds and insomnia, and it got messed up.

Well I'm gonna try and get some sleep. I might explain tomorrow.

Hi erti :wave:

Hey there Sunshine!

I missed you too punky.

oh. I forgot. I also went to my first appointment with T yesterday.
She is a little old lady who is so sweet! I was having a panic attack when I got there but it was okay. I think she will be good. She wants to see me 2x a week for a while. It was exhausting. I didnt expect it to be but it was.

That's good that you like her. Maybe it's good that it was exhausting? Get the feelings out and stuff though usually the first appointment it's basically meeting and they ask you a bunch of questions and such.

Such a good PSA... Wait til the end and you'll see.

I didnt let her ask me all the initial bla bla bla questions. I wasnt ready to give her that stuff yet so we just talked. It was good. I even took off my boots to feel more comfortable. It helped a little.

I give up....i will have to just read th last few pages of roll call.....

Ha, I'm the opposite... I rather them ask me questions than to chat. When I had counseling I always had a hard time because then they would ask me what I want to talk about and my mind goes blank. That's just visiting the counselor once every week or two. Hell when I last hospitalized they recommended that I talk to a counselor 3 times a week. What am I going to talk about in those 3 secessions a week? "Oh I saw some roses the other day... they're pretty." "How does that make you feel.." Good I guess?