Roll Call 25

Hello..did anyone see my post?

Newt, I think u should volunteer someplace. What are ur interests?

I'm having red beer. It's so good, and finally nice here.

I apologize Sometimes... I didn't mean to offend. Newtus has been suffering so much for such a long time, that I want to believe that they will have her best interests at heart. And for sure, there are no perfect meds or treatment for sz. But if she sticks with it and presents herself cooperatively over time, then maybe if what they first come up with doesn't give her enough relief, then they will try other things. And Newtus has been so inconsistent with meds, and mixing them with alcohol, that I think it's really hard to know whether what's been tried before is truly ineffective for her. And I don't think the contract doesn't make her lose her voice. I think if she's having trouble with what she's taking, and she's been taking it long enough for her body to adjust and for it to be therapeutic, then I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to try something else. And although there are issues with the meds... how long it takes to work, sometimes getting worse before you get better, and side effects like weight gain... I still think that the pain, anguish, paranoia and loneliness she's suffering from now are much worse.

It may be selfish of me, but I just didn't want her paranoia to get triggered and for her to believe that the people on the other side of that contract are going to harm her. I want to see her give it a very good chance.. and she can always back out of the deal if it genuinely doesn't help.

So please know that although I may have been insensitive in how I wrote my remark, my heart is in the right place...

Is this your new guy? What date number are you on? I know you asked earlier when to tell him. About your BP ...I say tell him before you sleep with him pretty much....that way neither of you gets too attached plus if it's to that point already he won't let you go so easily. I told a guy before date 3 he actually thought it was awesome becuase he had dealt with depression before. Some though found out in the get to know you phase before even meeting. No rejection because of that so far...I did not use clinical terms thought just said I heard voices and was under treatment...

And if that doesn't work out... I wonder if there is a local animal shelter around there? If you could just ask them if you could walk the dogs, or brush the cats or whatever, it would get you out of the house and have you doing something low-stress, and around people.

I absolutely thought your heart was in the right place but that you might not know the full story. My understanding is that Newtus has been given an adequate trial of every antipsychotic with the exception of clozapine and only haldol was partially effective. She was also on injection so compliance was not an issue but force was. In Texas some pdocs actually follow something called the Texas algorithm it is a flow chart that basically tells you which side effects are tolerable or not in addition to what meds to try etc. if you develop a side effect they simply give an additional med all of which have side effects of their own. The algorithm suggests maxing out the dose of any AP that was even partially effective and simply giving additional drugs for the inevitable side effects. It is geared toward total remission which is not possible for everyone. At some point Newtus could not eat due to a side effect and the pdoc simply told her to start blending her food. At great personal effort she extracted herself from that pdocs care and found a new one but kept the therapist at the original clinic.

Honestly sometimes, I didn't know all that. I've sat here pissed off at u before. Now I understand...I didn't know the whole story either. Newt, I thought u were only on injections like a month. See, we just never know. I would be weary of the contract too then.

Newt, I have sz friends that have boyfriends and they aren't as pretty and likable as u are. I wish we could hang out together irl, we'd have a blast.

Oooh. Thats right. It was a new Pdoc not T. I was confused a few pages back....


punky

I hope I die young. I so don't want to grow old.

Newtus did I scare u away? There's so much more to you than sz.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/schiz...ml#post3466408

Here is the blender thing...I was actually defending the doc before that and at some point pretty much got called heartless becuase I was ignoring the pain Newtus was experiencing with the meds and just telling her the only way out was recovery and to stick with it. So for me that's why I'm explaining I think it's hard when people don't know the history....funny like 6 months ago I was on the other side...what I've learned is it a gray gray world...not as simple as we'd like it to be....

Getting older isn't really all that bad. I used to hate it, but I've adapted.

All the older adults I know seem miserable and speak about how much better it was as someone my age. I'm pretty miserable myself and I can only imagine what it be like to get older.

Yeah, I've seen that purely clinical side to pdocs. When I ended up in the hospital in the delusion I did like the pdoc but he didn't want to hear about the organization I was abused in and when I got a leave I came home and printed out all the PROOF of what I was saying. I took it to him and he just skimmed through it. I still don't think he believed me. He told me it was my mania and my tendency to want to save the world when manic. He could be really personable but also purely clinical. I'm thinking about writing him a letter and telling him to watch for a documentary coming out exposing what I've been saying for years about this organization. Anyway, enough about me...Lol.

All the older adults I know are retired and opt to winter in the beach bars of Florida...they are all pretty psyched about it

You're better off without him... I think writing him might just open up old wounds...but you could write it and burn it or something...I guess if it were me I'd be hoping for some kind of response I might never get...but you know whatever helps you heal...

thanks for clearing that up Sometimesp.

i was on the injection from august 2013 til february of 2014. i was SO overmedicated it wasnt funny. idk what those people at the clinic are gonna tell my pdoc now but im hoping its not injections. im not ready for injections again.

Lol maybe I should hang out with those people. They probably have a more positive outlook on life.

Oh newtus, ur so lovable. I wish u knew that. I hope I'm not freaking u out, I'm straight, lol.

I was diagnosed with this ****ing disorder by an old fashioned psychiatrist who believed "mental illness" was a result of childhood experiences. After that it stuck. Nobody questioned her, at least directly, because she had tenure. Residents would often tell me that I should get assessed for autism. If this was done, I am certain I would not have had to suffer the way I did.

Why was I diagnosed with this? First I was diagnosed with depression and put on Zoloft which abruptly changed me. I did not originally present as a borderline. No axis II disorders are listed on my first discharge summary. My problems were related to being in boarding school, not having any friends and being bullied. I also really missed my parents. Later on it was explained to me as an adjustment disorder. I am certain I got diagnosed because of my reaction to the Zoloft, the small amount of self-injury I did (I learned this in hospital) and the anger I had because I was bullied. I did not display any other typical BPD behaviors. I only did the self-injury when I was on Zoloft and Paxil, since these two drugs made me suicidal. They impaired my impulse control, something that I did not struggle with previously, nor after I got off them.

At the age of 18, a wacky psychiatrist put me on 60 mg of Prozac, which I reacted to. I later learned I had drug induced mania. When this happened I became acutely psychotic, which was brief, about 1 week. A psychiatrist who met with me about 6 weeks later diagnosed it as brief reactive psychosis and thought I was a survivor of sexual abuse. She added PTSD. Later on I learned she suspected I was autistic and debated about sending me for an assessment.

After that mania I was left with residual psychotic symptoms that lasted about 18 months. I was okay until I turned 25, when I started hallucinating. This experience was very different from what happened when I was 18.

Whenever, I take benzodiazepines, I hear voices, so I avoid the drugs. When I being treated for BPD, psychiatrists gave me lots of clonazepam. This makes me wonder if this caused the residual psychotic symptoms and gave them the impression I had BPD.

BPD implies one has grew up in a dysfunctional home and was abused. The problem with the diagnosis was I being treated for PTSD, which I clearly did not have and was being told I was sexually abused, which I never ever experienced. For example, the doctors misinterpreted my acute senses such as hearing and touch as a sign of hypervigilance.

At first I did not question the abuse theory, because I thought the professionals knew what they were doing. They spoke of recovered memories and so on. It was somewhat convincing. Eventually I realized they were absolutely wrong.

Psychiatrists would often tell me that I was perplexing case. They were not sure what to make of me so they just put BPD in my records because it seemed to best describe my situation.

It was really frustrating. Nobody would listen to me. They just saw BPD. I realized they only way they would listen is if I told them I was suicidal when I wasn't (I regret doing this).

The BPD label affects family. Last year my mother met my psychiatrist and told her the doctors implied she was a bad mother. She wasn't.

The BPD diagnosis traumatized me. I learned psychiatrists don't want to bother with people who have this because they consider them evil and manipulative. Nobody wanted to listen to me after I was told I had it.

Years later I learned it was a misdiagnosis. Nobody thinks I have BPD. I know I don't, but since I don't have a formal diagnosis for what happened to me in my mid twenties, I sometimes wonder (even though I cannot relate to others with BPD). Some psychiatrists think mild psychotic symptoms are a sign of personality disorder.

I know I have an illness. Is it psychotic depression or schizoaffective disorder? I wish I knew. My psychiatrist told me I have an illness on the schizophrenia spectrum but refused to formal diagnosis it because I can attend university (part-time).

your not freaking me out

i realized i dont want a job because of fear of losin disability but maybe ill volunteer

That's a great idea...it's also a lot more flexible and typically more fun than anything you get paid to do...