Roll Call 27

That's odd...when were you on the news? Hopefully for something good?

I take high dose (50,000 units) once a week vitamin D. My doctor said I was too low as well, and he said that vitamin D is essential to so many different things (blood pressure, as well as depression... and other things) working properly.

It sounds to me like your therapist really does care about you. Which isn't hard to imagine. You are so adorable, and so *real*.

in january 2011. for speaking out against the construction lanes not being lighted in my area (on the highway). then he came by a year later june 2012 and spoke to me. i was home alone so it makes it seem like i was delusional but im not. the man was really there. gave me his card. said he may come by again and everything.

You know, Newtus, although your therapist can never *be* your mother, she can certainly fill a mother-like role in your life, and through that process it might fill some holes your own mother has created in your heart.

And as far as the hospitalizations - listen - if you were my daughter (I'm old enough ), and I saw you in the kind of shape you were in, I would have marched you to the hospital. Some things can only be dealt with in a contained environment. The hospitalizations are not punishment. It's part of the caring. As a mother of three grown children, I know that along the way, I have made decisions that weren't popular with them, but it was always because I had their best interests at heart. Try to think of your hospitalizations in that context.

Wow that's super weird..it sounds more like he was delusional with the killing part and stuff.

What's the absolutely worse thing that could happen *if*?

Thanks I just read about akathisia that sounds like pretty much what I have its very uncomfortable I have been walking back and forth so much today to relive myself of it.this is the first time I have had this happen to me.I tried to be outside for a while today and this woman stopped me on the street asking me questions about myself like where I like to eat around here and where I live and how long have I lived here for.it really freaked me out just more evidence to me that people are keeping tabs on me.

what if everyone found out my secret hiding place here and turned Against me

he said he was a forensic detective. old white man in a suit. i thought my place was bugged for a long time and im still cautious about things. even when he knocked on my door i didnt come to it immediately so i go to my front door and i see him coming back from walking around and looking in my back windows.

remember i showed you a picture of his card?

Yeah I have some vague memory of that....maybe he thought you were someone else?

ok so.....i went to see T. it went well. he was happy to see me. first we talked about how i am sleeping and i said i was sleeping better since being off the Abilify but its really hard to get up in the morning so i decided to take 100mg seroquel at noon and then 200mg at night. see if that helps the sedation in the AM. then we talked about my anxiety and some things about anxiety at work. i thought it was paranoia but he said it was more like social anxiety. which i think is true because it wasnt as bad as paranoia. we talked about my goal to not hear voices for a whole month and being more proactive in taking care of myself and taking PRNS when i think they might be coming back. then he called the disability lady at my school. he wants to see if she will give me a medical incomplete for the sociology course i took that i failed. she didnt answer again so they are playing phone tag. we tried to email her but my dumb school doesnt have anyones email address on their website. i asked T how he deals with anticipatory anxiety and he gave me some good tips which i kind of already knew and was using to cope. then he made me some more copies out of the paranoia book he got. he hugged me and told me he was so proud of me and that im doing really well. so that made me happy. yay T!!!!!!

then i went to work and it was ok but i didnt feel that good. and i thought that this young coworker that was working as a cashier too was doing things specifically to make me mad or feel bad but i didnt know if that was just in my head or not. anyway so i had a pretty good day, i was really glad i saw T and he was happy and the session went well. im off tomorrow and im gonna see pdoc with T at 10:30am and try to get on Metformin. then i have to meet with my recovery coach and do a bunch of things involving my trust. then im gonna hang out with my friend. so it should be a pretty good day. im tired and my neck hurts.

Care to share? I could always use some tips...

like using self talk to tell myself ill feel better once i get there and get started. that ive been through what im anxious about before and made it through it without freaking out. to plan something rewarding after the event so you have something to look forward to for when its over. those are the ones i can remember right now.

You look so pretty. why don't you where makeup anymore?

when i was in Ts office and we were talking this Indian girl who is a new resident on the farm walked in our session. (T leaves the door cracked cuz i told him id rather it be open than shut) she looked at T who was leaning back in his computer chair with his feet propped up on the arm of the couch. she said "why you do that" to him. lol. he said cuz its comfortable. then she said ok take ur time and left. it was weird but funny. T told me that in her country showing the bottoms of ur feet was inappropriate. (t was wearing flip flops). i thought it was funny that she just walked in to a random door just to see whats up inside

Are you sure she was Indian? I know there is a lot of diversity in that country but my Indian friends were all about taking their shoes off at the door...they would totally go barefoot in other people's houses where I always make sure to have socks at least...

@newtus - I used to wear makeup too before my illness got bad. I still have my old high school picture of me wearing make up and I wish I cared enough to wear it now.

Has anyone had neurofeedback therapy? My therapist told me I should get into it, but the only therapist I found online in my area is Christian and will only see straight people so that doesn't work out for me.

Newtus, irony , sarcasam , egoisim and eccentricity , can be lost on people with sz. Heres a thought experiment , listen to boisterous and robust conversations , a shock jock on the radio, or some reality trash tv , and judge your reactions if you were in the shoes of some of these people , against how these people actually react in conversation. There will probably be a difference and that is unfortunately your condition.

my illness hit and i lost motivation to even put on makeup

I'm not sleeping at night anymore. Memory keeps going fuzzy and I keep losing my train of thought.

honestly im not sure if she was Indian.

Yeah I did a google search...seems to be more of an Arabic thing...

oh ok. guess im ignorant lol. gonna go see pdoc and T at 10 30. im gonna wear my scrub pants cuz f_ck it.