Roll Call 34

I left u a visitor message junkdna.

i frgt to say that my pdoc gave me 120 pills of xanax. i never been given that many. at the most 60 before. also this 120 pills is supposed to last me one month

i left u one too!

I'm up for the moment.

God I hate this jealous feeling that I'm feeling.

I have developed a method to find something funny about dim situations like when My mind is feeling jumbled up I am imagining this clip> from spongebob instead of stressing about how its to hard to focus on things.sorry the clip is kind of bad quality its the only one I could find lol.

But yeah my mind was feeling a little mixed up and confused today I was also feeling little paranoid today.

Oh no, be very, very careful pls with those. You are an asset to this world, remember that.

I try not to get jealous, but I still do, lol. But men hate it. Try to hide it the best u can. Make him jealous, that's what I do. Men imo get more jealous than women, really when it comes down to it. Especially about sex.

God I know I'm just complaining, but there are some ppl in the bp forum that imho don't have it. It's so very ****ing annoying. But I know I'm being judgemental...need to work on that. It's just a pet peeve of mine. We're not any better, more creative, more intelligent than anyone else. Actually from the studies I've looked at bc of the racing thoughts and if u go into a mixed state your cognitive abilities go down.

I love my peeps here. most of you ARE very intelligent and interesting. If they only knew what they're missing out on, lol.

havent slept a wink all night oh well I tried anyway. I have just been looking up random interesting facts online useless information probably but still interesting and playing video games.maybe I will turn on the tv and try to bore myself with some early morning boring programs that might put me to sleep lol.

Seems sleeping problems are staple for us... I was sleeping like a baby on APs but right now it comes & goes. Slept pretty well last night, perhaps it has something to do with starting smoking again.

I succumbed to smoking more cigarettes today... only 4 total since yesterday mind. They definitely quiet my mind somewhat. I'm still waiting for my referral to come through - just have to hope I can stop myself from smoking too much until I get some APs. Won't do my asthma any good, especially at this time of year...

Good morning!

Nice to see you Secretum I'm glad you're feeling motivated and I really hope that grad school goes well for you. I'm sure you've said before, sorry I've forgotten, but what are you studying right now? I know that you hope to get into medical school in the future, and I hope that it works out for you. I went to medschool (in the UK you can do it as an undergraduate, which is what I did), and you really have to be on top form mentally for the pressures, both academic and emotional, and if you're struggling, the staff just write you off as unfit to do the job, rather than support you through a rough patch, but maybe that's just UK medschools, idk?

When I had a diagnosis, I found it useful as it gave me a reason as to why I was struggling academically i.e. it wasn't because I was stupid or not working hard enough...now I'm not so sure...but I relate to the confusion over what was/is happening to me and the fear that my brain was rotting. I used to 'feel' it rotting and 'see' a hole in my brain where it'd rotted, but I'm less certain about that nowadays.

Anyway I can relate to what you wrote, and I'm glad that you're in a place now to comfort & reassure 18yo you that none of it was your fault. Good luck with the taper (I took lamotrigine/Lamictal for a bit, the taper up takes ages cos of fear about SJS, but my incompetent ex-pdoc took me off 200mg after only 2 weeks because it 'wasn't working' so I can't really say if it would've worked or not for me)

I've never worked with leather itself, other than leather cord for necklaces, but looking at the pic it seems simple enough to make (and cheaper, though I have no idea what the $:£ conversion rate is, or how much leather is). You could probably buy punched out leather flowers online from craft websites (otherwise you'd need to buy bits of leather and a strong enough flower punch that would actually punch through leather - which would probably cost a lot: if you're never going to use it again, it's more economical to buy the shapes and assemble it yourself). I've used leaf and flower-shaped beads before so you could add those instead of wood leaves, if you preferred. I'd love to see a pic if you make it yourself

Thank you for your lovely message Junk, I really appreciate it Did you ever just get used to the fear though? Not that you weren't afraid, just that you'd forgotten what it was like to live without it? Idk...I guess I don't see feeling unsafe almost 24/7 as such a big deal anymore because I can't really remember what it felt like to feel completely safe before

Ok, I've been wondering about this (not just directed at Sunshine, but everyone). Sometimes when I try to click on a thread, I'll click on the OP's name instead and it'll take me to their visitor's page where messages are, but I have no idea how to see my own. I can see and edit the info bit, but there are no messages. Does that mean no one has ever left a message there or am I looking at the wrong bit? I can get PMs, but how do you go to your own visitor's message bit, and does it notify you (like with PMs) when there is a message there?

I'm really concerned about you having that many tablets. Do they not know that you take too many?! Please be responsible with them, or give them to your Dad if you can't manage them. I think it's a really bad idea for you to have access to so many when you have a history of being quite impulsive and mixing handfuls of them with alcohol. I just want you to stay safe

Hope you feel better today.

I think I remember correctly that you've been on APs before? If so, why won't your GP prescribe something that worked before while you wait? Surely that'd be preferable to an asthma exacerbation from smoking to them??

My sleep is all over the place. It's never good quality, lots of waking and taking hours to drop off and sometimes early morning wakening, but I go through periods where I sleep too little (so I'll be in bed for 10 hours, but only get 6 max on a good night) or too much (sleep fitfully for 18 hours). I've never understood why it swings from one to the other i.e. if there is a trigger, but it is associated with eating; too little sleep & eating, then too much sleep and eating, especially junk food. It's weird.

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Last night I saw T for the review and we agreed to carry on seeing each other. When I left, I felt so guilty, liked I'd tricked him somehow into keeping seeing me. When I was questioning in my head why I was feeling that way, I heard ex-pdoc's voice (in my head, so not a proper hallucination) say "because it's pointless...you're pointless" and I almost started crying

I've been thinking about it and it's related to the whole debate in my head about meds: I feel worthless and undeserving of treatment. The ex-pdoc voice thing is because, when I saw a locum in Feb (before I discharged myself), he said that I needed meds but went to speak to ex-pdoc about what to give me because he couldn't find the list on the computer and I, unusually, hadn't brought my list because I didn't think he would bother prescribing anything anyway. Then she told him that it was "pointless" to give me meds, so he didn't, but I felt like they'd decided that *I* was "pointless" and that I didn't 'deserve' any meds

So the treatment thing (meds and therapy) is complicated because I minimise everything and tell myself that it's not so bad, mostly because I've forgotten what it's like NOT to live in fear that someone's following you and photographing you and torturing you with this stupid noise (which is still really loud and I have no idea why they've increased it this time because I can't think of anything I've done that they wouldn't approve of...) and that they're biding their time until they can attack and/or arrest me and send me to jail...and I think that it's completely real so I don't see how meds would even help with that. And then there's feeling like I don't even deserve help anyway...

It's just such a mess

*Willow*

ugh i missed my first weight watchers meeting becuase i woke up late

roll with it---don't let it stop you just go to the next one----

This is my 2,000th post! Go me! lol

They make me smile so much!

*Willow*

Bipolar disorder is definitely over diagnosed. Some people get the label but actually have a substance abuse problem, are dealing with PTSD, have a personality disorder or some kind of hormonal imbalance.

I have never heard of mixed state bipolar until I read through some threads in the BP forum. How is this different from the emotional swings in BPD?

Eminem wrote a lot of his amazing raps while manic so..

Thanks! Good suggestion but...

Unfortunatly, the last meds I was on started giving me bad side effects... I came off them, convinced they were the root of my apathy & most my symptoms disappeared. P-doc was happy for me to stay off meds after a 3 month check up with no return of symptoms.

I'm not sure why my symptoms went away coming off meds but I was interested to read there is a higher rate of people becoming symptom free in third world countries where they don't have access to APs. Also watched something interesting on brain plasticity. Some combination of those I guess.

Coming back to stay with my parents seems to have been a major help... cutting back on anxiety & not having to be around a busy town seems to help with the suspiciousness & persecutory stuff... get a bit jumpy sometimes but it doesn't last too long.

Just back from the pdoc----staying on 10mg for the next 3 months at least---right now she said my dx is a bunch of rule outs---I'm on therapy wait list of like 25 people, I just think it's a good idea to go. She was actually talking about how depression could cause everything I have right now----so we'll see.

Yeah I do have to say that some people with bp can be very creative when manic. But that doesn't mean by default ALL bp ppl are creative. I guess that's what I should have said.

I know when I'm manic I do come up with great ideas and I'm way more into music. But I don't ever follow through with those ideas bc then depression hits...

It's mania and depression at the same time. For example--extreme irritability, crying spells, racing thoughts, guilt,agitation, impulsivity, just to name a few. They are awful. It feels like a nervous breakdown kinda...

Well I slept, it was pretty good sleep. But omg last night I pigged out. I ate a whole bunch of veggies and just too much.

I missed my psych nurse appt. I think I'm either gonna add on topamax or something, but this eating so much is ridiculous and I can't afford it...physically or financially.