Roll Call 34

maybe I will have a better day today trying to think positive but its hard cause i feel this depression that I cant shake.

Lillybird, I hope your depression lifts.

I'm just hanging out with my cat today, and cleaning house, which includes the never ending sweeping of white balls of fur, which love to accumulate around the legs of our chairs and sofa. My doctor doubled my Seroquel and took me off abilify. I'm feeling better (not so agitated) and may actually have the concentration to read again! hmmmm..What shall I read first?

I'm sick of work it's so boring. Even though welders get piad like 100 dollars an hour i still don't want to be a welder anymore I want to be a doctor or a pilot..

i need more sleep!

im in psychosis again until further notice!

I never knew my tenant was going to set up her internet in my apartment today and I left the apartment as a mess and in the toilet there's vomit from my drinking and blood smeared everywhere from my nose bleeds and she saw and there's soooooo much booze bottles everywhere like 40 on the table.

She said she would be renting for 2-3 years and I messed up..

I'm sure she'll still rent..

so other T texted me today and said that we are having a team meeting tomorrow. every time they say that i am in trouble for something, usually my drug test. so i was really anxious and he was being vague abt why the need for a meeting. finally he got more specific and said my drug test came up positive for alcohol!!!!!!!

i did not drink and haven't in a LONG time. i am not sure why it's pos for that. the only thing i can think of is i was drinking warm grape juice over the weekend. is it possible it fermented??? it didn't taste weird or anything. i texted other T and told him that i dont understand bc i havent drank alcohol. he seemed to believe me. i texted my regular T and told him. he said he believes me and not to worry, just tell them the truth.

but anyway all this just adds up with everything else. people trying to make me feel upset. it's like they are gaslighting me. when he said it was pos for alcohol i was even thinking if maybe i DID drink and i just dont remember it??? it makes me feel crazy. is that their goal??? are they doing this on purpose???

i dont know.

urine test? It would have to be under 12 hours prior to the test---any mouthwash use or anything else with ethanol---preserved cherries---certain extracts like vanilla---could someone have put it in a cake or anything else you ate like chicken or whatever----the test is super sensitive and it doesn't all cook out---I think the grape juice is unlikely.

well apparently my coach called my regular T and told him she was worried abt me. i think bc i texted her accusing her of gaslighting me. so my T texted me and asked me how i was. i told him about how i feel like people are out to make me feel bad. and that the drug test was part of it. he said i am paranoid bc my shot is running out. now i am just confused. he said my coach, other T, pdoc, and himself are all worried. i dont want to make people worried.he got me to take a prn. so i will see what that does. i am nervous to see my team tomorrow. im supposed to see pdoc so i can get my shot early tomorrow. but i am scared. im so confused

I'm stopping the 80mg Prozac cold turkey I just don't need it

This time I'll tell my psychiatrist

no i dont think it is any of that. i think the test is just wrong. i dont get it

Junkdna,

Why are they checking you for alcohol. What difference is it to them and why dont you ask what concentration has being found , and roughly how many units thats equivalent to?

I am going to try to make a questionnaire to determine if you are mind controlled or not.

well im in a treatment program. i used to be addicted to painkillers and heroin. so they test me every week on tuesday. i have smoked weed while in this program and they busted me so now i am tested every week.

i could ask about that. thanks

i really need some cigarettes. i told myself i would quit on my birthday but im craviing them so bad.

If you can't quit stick to the ecigs for a bit as they are slightly better....

so far i havent smoked any cigarettes in almost 2 days. my dad doesnt even want me to get ecigs with nicotine in it. hes saying nicotine is bad for me. but it does make a difference with some nicotine in the ecig.

im out of xanax and ambien and soon trazedone after tonight.
the pharmacy wont give me any pills saying its "too early" to fill them. but i turned them in a week ago.

im f_cking hearing voices and paranoid.

They can only fill a particular drug 1x per month...unless your dose changes....

i must be filling it early by a couple of weeks or a week or something. but it always seems like its too early. i think i see the pdoc every 3-4 weeks. but thats about a month or a month.

Didn't newtus JUST SAY she was given 120 pills ??

I am sorry you are confused about your testing, junkdna.

Two of my dogs liked frozen fruit. One of them made such a funny face!!!

Two of your dogs? How many do you have?

My dog barks at watermelon... Randomest thing ever...

I have three! The third made the funny face - did not care for! : D

I also have a kitty.

i WAS given 120 pills of xanax but that prescription is still being filled. i havent gotten it yet. its too early to be filled.

Oh I see.....somehow I was picturing like five dogs running around a huge yard or something like a wolf pack.....

I wish there was some sort of special video where that stuff could replay from your brain....I would love to see the funny doggie face