Roll Call 34

Was that on meds or off? I lose 15 points on meds but regain after tapering off....I know it's weird though I think it may be ZNF804a which I have a variant for cognitive preservation----what seems to be happening is what areas I'm good at flex and modify for new challenges...I wonder if it's some sort of neuroplasticity that gets disrupted by the meds....

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Thank you for the hug junk. I'm so unstable right now and crying at the drop of a hat...It's good to know I'm not alone. I believe you understand. What helps you when u feel paranoid and unsafe?

Well, I gave into my cravings & smoked half a cigarette. My god... was it the best smoke I've had in about 2 years. Feels like it has 'calmed' my mind right down... I should really throw the rest of the pack away but I know I won't.

Makes me wonder why schizophrenics are so prone to smoking. I was smoking 20 a day when things were bad...

Well one of the reasons is its a cognitive enhancer but it also alters med effectiveness effectively cutting the dose in half. I'm sure there are other reasons but those are the ones that I know about.

Same here. I'm smoking about 15 a day right now, usually it's more like 8.

^Let's hope you can cut that down again... good work on getting down to 8 even if you are smoking a bit more at the moment!

I can attest to that... my Amisulpride was starting to work but I took up smoking & eventually the voices came back even worse despite going up in dose. Ended up just dealing with side effects with little benefit. At least I've learned from it all though.

Re: medication effectiveness and smoking... that's definitely proved true for me. Especially when I was taking Zyprexa. I noticed the effectiveness lowered significantly the more I smoked.

Thank you! My goal is to hopefully quit before the year is over.

i try to remind myself that i am safe. i try to view paranoia as a symptom instead of that what im paranoid about is actually happening. i talk to myself and reassure myself thru thoughts. when it gets bad i reach out to someone for help, usually my T, and he reassures me that i am safe.

im sorry u feel so bad right now. be gentle with urself. try not to judge ur feelings and thoughts. find things to distract yourself. talking to people helps me. maybe have a chat with ur son?

so i had a great day. decided to take real action with support on losing weight. i signed up for weight watchers and will be physically going to the meetings once a week. plus they have online tools and apps.

also i signed up to volunteer with cats at the local pets store. to help clean their cages. and play with them a little bit.

i really wish i also started school in time but its too late. so i can maybe start in october 2014 or january of 2015.

im excited about all this. but i dont want to get too excited and jinx everything. so im keeping cool.

Wow that's so exciting---I'm so glad you're doing all that I think it will be really good for you

I'm excited for you newtus.

Thanks junk.

Well I finally fell asleep a little not deep and had a nightmare.

I didn't know that about smoking, maybe that's why in the past when I don't smoke as much I sleep so much better...

I'm soooo tired...

cool! exciting!!!

thanks you guys!!! i dont know yet if they will accept me to volunteer though. i sent in an application.

Good luck newtus I hope they accept you!

Well tomorrow I leave for a MANHUNT CAMPOUT. It is just like manhunt but it lasts all night and we get flour grenades. So pumped

I think my hugs work now!

I’ve been thinking about reality being an illusion and the meaninglessness of things too. I hadn’t actually considered that it could be both, so thank you for that insight…how did you deal with the existential bit that meds didn’t treat? I’ve started therapy so I’m hoping that will help.

Thank you for sharing this Sometimes I wonder if that is a US thing about the sleep meds or because of your psychosis they try to kill 2 birds with 1 stone? I take the amitriptyline for sleep because otherwise I become nocturnal and less functional, but I wonder if I just tried harder if I could manage without it... I’ve never been offered an AP just for sleep and I really wouldn’t want to take one if that was my only issue as I feel the amitriptyline is less heavy-duty, but then lately it’s not been working so well…

It sounds like that is a very simple equation for you…things feel murkier for me though. The ‘why torture myself?’ bit is complicated because of things from my past making me feel like I am a bad person and don’t necessarily deserve good things. And even the meds=feel better bit is confusing. Sometimes I wonder if the meds don’t work well for me because I don’t have a medical problem that they could treat, but then you’ve posted stuff about people feeling ‘trapped in a box’ if they take APs they don’t need and I haven’t reacted like that to them either. Even when the aripiprazole/Abilify took away the voices, that wasn’t necessarily ‘better’ because then I doubted the existence of the voices because the memory of them felt so dream-like. Sometimes I’ve preferred to hear the voices and be certain they exist than take the meds so the voices disappear and doubt whether I made them up. And then there’s side effects…

I’m not sure which time you mean - the official IQ test was on Abilify/aripiprazole. The catatonic stupor was also on meds. I think that was lofepramine (tricyclic antidepressant). The unofficial IQ test where I was high 70s was off meds a few months ago. My Uni pdoc said that it was because of the depression/psychosis and was temporary, but I said that it was only as temporary as the other symptoms, which is over 7 years now, so I have no idea if my cognitive function would go back to before if I did.

Thank you for sharing Sunshine My Uni pdoc said that I had psychosis because I was hearing voices (always negative; both talking to me and to each other about me; both inside and outside of my head) and thinking things he said were delusional, like my housemate’s mother put cameras in the house to spy on me and that people would break into the house to attack me. The usual voices have stopped because they’re working with the ex-pdoc to make me think that I faked them, but I can still feel them judging me the whole time, even if they won’t speak. I hear occasional external voices now but I find it harder to tell that they’re not real, so I could be hearing more and just not realise, idk.

I don’t think that I have paranoia because I feel that my anxiety is justified, but I feel unsafe most of the time because of the surveillance. The Govt used to have me under surveillance only during my disability reviews, but it’s been constant since I left the hospital in Dec. They inserted a tracker when they sedated me for ECT in the hospital so they always know where I am. And the thought-suppression noise is from them: it’s a form of psychological torture to punish me for being on benefits. It’s been 24/7 since the end of March, because they hacked my phone and heard me make a GP appt to get the tracker removed. When I cancelled the appt the volume decreased, but they increase it when I do ‘wrong’ things like go away on holiday or go out on my own. If I stopped claiming disability, they’d leave me alone, but I don’t see how I can work when I cry at the slightest thing and my brain doesn’t work properly so it takes me so long to read and write and cook and anything involving thinking really.

That’s some of it anyway. I don’t like seeing it in print because I’m ashamed that I can’t get my **** together I don’t know why they said I was faking. I wonder if the Govt bribed them? Or maybe they got frustrated because meds didn’t work so it was easier to blame me than admit that psychiatry is fundamentally flawed? Idk…

Well that sucks! The weight gain aspect of Zyprexa/olanzapine is what puts me off the most. I’m 30lbs more than I used to be (after losing some of my AP weight) and that does affect my self esteem, but I’m also scared of getting diabetes because my Mum was recently diagnosed due to the meds she takes and I don’t want that.

All the best with that Atypical

That is FANTASTIC news Newtus! Well done! Fingers crossed for the voluntary work.

*Willow*

Well I slept a couple more hours. Feel a little better.

Sorry I haven't been around, guys. I missed you all!

Update: I've been driving every day, and I'm starting to get comfortable, though it is still scary. Today, I saw in my rearview mirror a car spin around in the middle of the intersection and then drive down the road the wrong way. I'm not sure if that actually happened or if it was a hallucination, but it was pretty scary. He was only a few car lengths behind me; if he was drunk or something he could have hit me...

I saw my (original) pdoc today. We have a plan. I'm going to continue taking zyprexa and prozac while I start lamictal, until I get up to 200 mg on the lamictal. Then I'm going to go off of the zyprexa, cut the prozac, and add risperdal. If I get depressed, we'll add wellbutrin. I hope it works out. I tried lamictal once before and got some mouth sores, which my pdoc thought might have been related the dread Stevens-Johnsons rash. Thankfully, he is letting me try it again. I've heard great things about it.

I've been feeling really motivated lately to make positive changes in my life. I'm cleaning out my room and finding stuff I did in high school-projects with grades, old poems, bits and pieces of how my life was. I was so successful academically once, and then depression took it all away. It makes me angry, and it makes me want to study more so that I do well in grad school and when I retake the MCAT. I'm not stupid or worthless; I was just sick. And now I have to fight for that scared 18 year old girl who suddenly could no longer hold her A average, who felt like her brain was rotting. I have to fight for her and make it right, as right as it can be given that I can't go back into the past.

Has anyone ever played with leather...I keep seeing these beautiful leather flower necklaces, bracelets and headbands that would be perfects for my faerie costume....but I think I could make exactly what I wanted instead of buying something that is only sort of what I wanted.

I want something like this but larger, a necklace or head wreath type thing...

Floral Leather Bracelet - Women?s Clothing & Symbolic Jewelry ? Sexy, Fantasy, Romantic Fashions

Anyway if you've worked with leather let me know how hard it is....thanks

I think that sounds like a good plan regarding your meds.

Good job about driving.

I haven't drove in 17 yrs. I'm hoping to get a car though if/when disability comes through. I lost my license a long time ago and have never been able to afford a car since then. And just took the bus all over. But now since the back injury and surgery and I've moved the bus is too far away...

I like how u said fight for that 18 yr old. I need to fight for that 14 yr old in me. I'm gonna be switching to a different program. It's the place my peer counselor works at. I'm gonna get a therapist there. I so hope it works out. I really need a competent therapist. It's probably gonna take a couple months to get in. But I'm very willing to wait. If it doesn't work out, I'm gonna give up on therapy.

@Willow

i had the same fears!!!! cameras in my house, people breaking in.... its so hard to deal with when ur home doesnt feel safe anymore. at least for me it was. it was terrifying. thankfully im in a better place now. i have faith that u will recover. i have faith that anyone can recover. dont give up!!!

Atypical are u in bed?