Roll Call 34

people come in 1 at a time so we never see each other. we got our own shifts.

i guess im just tired of waiting for someone. i feel like im gonna be single forever

It's possible but I don't think I'm like other bipolar people... I can't relate very well to the emotions...

For what it's worth I can totally identify with this. With the bipolar aspect of my illness I think I'm definitely set apart from others with the disorder. I don't experience the emotions of it in the same way other people do(which is why I've doubted that part of my dx for such a long ****ing time).

Yeah I was thinking about that....I mean it might be I just haven't experienced them fully yet.... Just heard a knock to that....nice... Ominous....

Yeah that's definitely possible. Bipolar(or maybe schizoaffective?) might actually make more sense, especially considering that you had that psychotic break at a later age than the "typical" age of onset for straight sz. I don't know lol I'm not a professional but those are my thoughts. Some of them anyway. My thoughts are race-y so if I'm not being very articulate, forgive me, hahaha.

No that's OK I'm thinking bipolar might make more sense as well given that I still work etc went off meds for a while etc. its all more consistent except for the fact that I don't consider myself very emotional at all but it might be a late onset. I might also explain the butterfly wings etc I've been buying. Supposedly one of the hallmark bipolar things is buying a lot but also in weekends at bellvue she mentioned the headdress ie if you come in wearing a tiara or circlet it's probably bipolar....I was looking at these big flower ones....for a costume but still....maybe....I'll have to think about this....

stuff like this....
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1519576...w_type=gallery

Yeah I can relate, I'm not an emotional person either. But in my mind I make a distinction between "emotions" and "moods"... there's a lot more to bipolar than the emotions that can accompany it. The mood symptoms tend to be what sets off the accompanying emotions for most people with bipolar. Particularly with the depression side of my bipolar, I don't experience sadness or other negative emotions. I just get the other mood symptoms of depression, ie sleeping too much, not getting out of bed, not being motivated, no energy, etc. With mania I do experience euphoria, but it's not the same as I've heard others describe it. My innate psychology is responsible for this, my emotional range just isn't very wide so I don't experience this huge spectrum of emotions like a lot of people with bipolar do.

That makes sense it may be why they haven't figured this out quite yet---it may be my mania is on the mild side emotionally but still severe enough for psychosis---I didn't realize you could get halluicnations with depression in bp though which would be now although the meds seem to have stopped that.---But yes I felt very unmotivated in the winter and then again right before this happened so maybe its a type of depression but I'm not getting the whole range which I'm thankful for....

They do make stuff up in my experience, but just you carrying a knife and accusing people of stalking you is enough for a CTO. I know it's been suggested before, but why can't you do a self defence course instead of carrying a knife?

Yeah, that's what I was expecting. It's nice he offered to do an EEG though, just to be sure.

Any reason why? I always felt that you considered your symptoms as no different from any physical symptom in terms of acceptance and your identity?

Wow! I'm shocked! You very rarely ever talk about mood symptoms, and idk how you could've had a manic episode without knowing about it. I know your delusions were quite grandiose, but they never mentioned mania when you were in the hospital...it's just odd. Shame you didn't clarify what it meant, but I'm like that, never think of it at the time lol

That doesn't mean anything though. Just because you're higher functioning, doesn't mean it's not psychotic. There are exceptions to every rule.

Are you very controlled when you post and IRL? It's just I've never got a mood-vibe from you and you post a lot...I guess I just find it weird to think that I've missed such a big aspect of your experiences. Idk, I just felt like I know you and the other regulars, but just goes to show how little we actually know about each other... I hope I haven't offended you. I don't mean to sound like I doubt your experiences or your doctors. I'm just surprised that's all. I guess that I should know better though cos I'm quite reserved and controlled in my posts, and IRL

*Willow*

Yeah, I think that's why it took them so long for me to figure it out as well because I don't have the super intense emotionality that typically accompanies bipolar. You can have mania without euphoria. I don't get depressed often but when I do, it's always psychotic depression. I don't get sad/despairing/anxious depression, if I do feel anything when I'm depressed it's irritability.

Yes I do get irritability so maybe that is/was a key indicator for me---that's what happened first time I tried to go off meds...

Well pdoc said its all rule out so this must be in some secret doctor coding----but I couldn't really ask them to clarify as they didn't dx me being neuro and I probably shouldn't have been reading her sheet. I am as controlled irl as here that's why I never seriously considered it. I have to admit the first episode I felt more social, bought a car, and ipad and iphone and that's about it---they said hypomanic to me so I'm not getting how they get bipolar 1 from that , it may be why its still a rule out----I don't think anyone has said I fit into any kind of mold as far as stereotypes---they tend to specifically say that I don't.

As far as medical vs psych----if I'm having a medical problem it means I don't need psych meds, may not need any meds, if its psych I probably need APs on a more consistent basis----generally I'd prefer no meds to meds.

Willow - I'm not big, I'm just average size, I don't think self defence would really help.

It only took 1 nurse to get me on my knees at the hospital, but she did catch me off guard though.

That's why I need better protection.

I think they're getting bipolar I as a rule out because of your psychosis. Bipolar II doesn't have psychosis associated with it according to the DSM.

That's just it I feel they are using the psychosis to diagnosis what should be a mood disorder predominantly when I feel the psychosis is the predominant issue not my moods.

Yeah this whole thing seems strange. Bipolar is a possibility maybe but I've never seen you talk about mood related stuff here. If I was your doctor I would be focused on what's actually being presented, ie the psychotic symptoms, instead of looking for something that might not even be there... That's what it seems like is happening, they're trying to say you're bipolar without much evidence. I don't know. It just seems weird...

Sometimes I wonder if I have bipolar disorder because of all the agitation I get. I seem to get attacks of it that last about 7 or 8 days. When this happens I require less sleep then I normally would. I can get by 6 or 7 hours a night rather than my normal 9 or 10. What is strange about this is I don't become euphoric and energetic. My mood remains the same. I don't go on spending sprees and so on.


When I was depressed last winter I was very irritable. I felt that more than sadness. Usually I felt nothing except when I was suicidal for about two weeks.

I'm not sure what my diagnosis is. I really wish I knew.

This is my feeling as well...

Maybe it's a US thing? But here we would put '?BP2 - rule out', not BP1 because they saw a possible hypomania, not a possible mania. And you can get psychosis in bp2, but that would only be during severe depression, as psychosis & high mood/irritability would automatically be called mania not hypomania.

Oh ok, I thought you meant as in a physical thing was preferable, when I always got the impression that you didn't care about whether the cause was mental or physical. I know a lot of people would prefer to have a physical illness than MI, that's why I was trying to understand.

One of my 11yo sister's friends is minuscule, like the tiniest person I've ever seen without dwarfism, but she's a black belt & would majorly kick your arse if you messed with her. I've seen her take on much bigger, stronger sparring partners and come out winning. It's not about size so much, but strategy & speed. Might be worth a try anyway?

*Willow*

Diagnosing is so tricky, everyone is so different. People with the same dx can present very differently from each other.

I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, but I hardly ever post in the schizoaffective forum because I can't relate to the posters there even though they share my dx.

Oh wow, I didn't know that!

My emotions are getting to me today.

Yeah, this is my impression too.

Could you ask your pdoc? If you don't have other BP symptoms, other than irritability, then it probably wouldn't qualify as hypo/mania. Could you check the dsm5 criteria? It used to be that you needed to meet more criteria if your mood was irritable and not euphoric, but I haven't looked much at the dsm5. Also it may be a possibility that you're just not so aware of your mood at times because of your ASD or because of dissociation due to stress, idk? Maybe ask someone close to you that you trust if your mood has ever seemed higher than usual?

*Willow*

pdoc 1 never mentioned mood symptoms at all, T did after I asked her and said hypo but I didnt meet her until after the break was controlled and I was not depressed at all in that period so its possible but I have read manic psychosis is unmistakable...I don't see how they could have missed it.