Roll Call 34

you said you were hearing some voices right? are you still hearing things?

It was mostly knocking and stuff like I had last fall...but it seemed to have meaning.....if I don't get enough sleep I still smell things and am hearing knocking but it doesn't seem meaningful....so it's blocking delusional aspects I think. I see the Neuro on Thursday to see what he thinks if it's a partially medical or something. Who knows.....it's pretty inconsequential except for the lack of sleep.

im feeling really mentally and emotionally disturbed tonight. i cant shake it. its really disturbing my mindset and wellbeing. ever since i heard the news of my therapist leaving i havent been the same. i thought this place would be the very last place i would be going to and could stop going from psychoatrist-to-psychiatrist and therapist-to-therapist. but i guess thats not the case. and my family has been coldhearted about it.

im just...idk how to explain it...disturbed a lot. i feel like everythings going downhill for me...

this is sometimes how i feel before i start a bad psychotic episode i think idk

It's half 3 here and I still can't sleep ffs

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna start seeing a new therapist soon too. So we might be at the same time starting with a new therapist.

I'm hopeful, but prepared if it doesn't work out. The best therapist I've had was when I was in college. She was doing her clinical work. I saw her twice a week, for free. She helped me a lot. I used to be worse, lol. She was half Mexican and half Danish. She was probably the most beautiful woman I've met in real life. Anyway, try and hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. You might really like your new therapist. I wish u could see one at a college.

I hate that, it means I'm heading downhill. I hope you can get some sleep.

i dont feel like going to volunteer tomorrow. its starting to become a job to me.

i just feel really bad

From what I understand, when you're on a cto and get recalled, if you don't go the police will come get you and take you to the hospital. All the dr has to do is decide you need the meds, and they can forcibly give them to you, So it looks like either way you're getting the injection... And the choice you have is to do it hard... Or easy.

My son is at the gym. He's really committed to getting the body brad pitt had in fight club. We just watched it. Omg, brad...probably old to you guys, lol.

I finally got the dining room table cleaned off. It's been a yr since I cleaned it I think. I'm coming down so I'm a bit hypo. Feels good though.

You'll feel better I bet if you go...

There's another thing, if I keep getting the injection then my doctor is going to think I'm happy taking it and she will never change it.

I got the last 2.

I think even if you find one you like they all move and change a lot unless they are already in private practice....they are way more independent than other docs so if they don't like where they are at they just move. I was actually talking to my pdoc about it and he said the guy that runs the place said they had really high turnover at the hospital ....I was saying like in GI it's actually common to have the docs not move for twenty years but all ours just moved because they were messing with their pensions and then putting some sort of MBA or something in charge of the hospital so it was about money instead of care etc. Anyway....I think it's better not to get attached...my current pdoc I really can't see getting attached to her anyway but I know for some therapy you have to form an attachment so it's a catch 22...

It is a job....just an unpaid one but I would see it as a stepping stone....if you later want to get a job where you get pay like at target they are going to want a reference.....if you don't bail, this would make a great reference.

I think it's probably good for you to get out of the house anyway, if you have too much time to think about your T and other things that are getting you down it could get worse...

Kureha,

Why not put together a 2 year plan. Aim to be off injections in 2 years and on medication you can take yourself. Because if the penny drops in that 2 years and you realise you are suffering an illness. Then i guarantee from that point on you will want to take meds. Because life is just too short to spend it waisting your time. You may also look back if you are lucky , and realise that carrying knifes , approaching random people and accusing them of stalking you , having homicidal thoughts , was a huge waiste of your time.

I was at a shopping centre bout 2 months ago and out of no where a guy banged into my shoulder and put me off balance. He never stopped and walked away hurridly. I didnt think much of it until about 30 minutes after i was sittn on a step infront of the cinema on a beautiful day , and this same guy with a baseball hat and a pair of sun glasses on crouched down to me and said had i being in a shopping centre earlier. I tried to claify what he was sayn. First i didnt really know what he was talkn about. I clarified 'yes i had' then he asked me was i following him and i said i wasnt . Then he said 'you wouldnt want to be'. Then i just ignored him and he walked away. This guy it seems phsically assaulted me earlier , because i can only venture he was paranoid and delusional. Now every time im in town i feel a bit nervous , because i am aware of what aggressively psychotic individuals are capable of.

I dont say this to make you feel bad but you need to know that you need to address all these delusions in a constructive way. Taking your meds is a place to start.

So, my paranoia is definitely worse for being back in my flat... i don't like going out the house because I keep thinking people are following me. It's like I'm actively looking for things that are untoward.

It sucks that my referral is taking so long... I'm going to call my GP & tell him my paranoia is worse, see if he can speed up the referral. I think the problem was I was seeing a CPN for anxiety but never mentioned my voices were back. I wasn't really aware I was relapsing then. He did say they wouldn't be happy me getting another referral so soon after... I think they just think I'm a hypochondriac. (which admittedly I am a bit but...)

going to see T today. also gonna take my friend to her college campus at UNCA. shes in a bind with school. too much to type out but it's pretty serious and involves possibly having to pay back grants and things. her car doesnt work and is in the shop so i am driving her there

You sound like a good friend....hope it all works out for her....

Well, my GP just said that I'd just have to wait. He doesn't think I'm bad enough to be admitted or that it would be beneficial for me, which I agree with. He said to put it in perspective, people diagnosed with cancer can be made to wait 2 weeks for their consultation & that is more serious. Apparently it's been 2 weeks since the referral went through.

I told him my parents are away & he said I should try & get some social contact but I have no friends here. The friend I saw last week won't be back up permanently for another week or so.

I hate waiting.

Even here it can take a couple of months to see a pdoc if you don't go in through the ER....it's weird because you can see your pcp often same day....I guess all specialists are pretty booked....

thanks sometimesp
i think it is about money in this situation with my therapist. thats what my dad concluded. idk if they stopped paying her the amount she regularly gets or if they asked her to lower her pay but she just resigned and said she be working from home now still doing psychiatric work but from the phone so yea.

its hard not to get attached. i mean you tell these people everything about you you know? it forms SOME kind of relationship to them. i told my therapist nearly everything almost. so its really hard. i will miss her. even though she put me in hospital a lot. oh well...

as far as this volunteering - ill just go i guess

It's very true unfortunately... I think they have a lot of people getting referred to the mental health services through the NHS many of whom are borderline cases. I don't think you get bumped up the queue unless you might pose a threat to yourself or others, neither of which I do.

Right that last bit will get you inpatient here so yes you'll see someone right away but it will cost several thousand per day....for like 5 minutes of pdoc time...not the best option...

well just got done volunteering. it was fast because all but 2 of the cats had been adopted. they stay in the same cage so technically i only had to clean out 1 litter box today instead of 5 or 6.