roll call 43

Welcome to the new healthcare system, it's all about the almighty $$$.
Not too many doctors or therapists really give a crap about you, my old Pdoc would time our session down to the minute.
I have a new Pdoc and my first appt is on Thursday. I hate that I have to tell him all my problems and history.

I have to be in a mood to talk or it's very hard. I've been considering looking in different towns for doctors and a therapist. My town is pretty small and there aren't a lot of good docs here.

For some reason I thought you lived in the city?

It's a small city. I lived in NY and Chicago for all but the last 5 years. I never go out anyway unless it's to some appointment. :/

Oh that's not good, you should try to get out more.

I saw my PDoc. He's raising my Lexapro back up to 10mg. You have no idea how much this devastates me. I can't feel anything when im on 10mg. I can't feel the butterflies for the girl that is sitting in front of me, I can't be deeply moved by music, my passion is gone I feel like my soul has been stripped from it's most essential character. I'm numb on this stuff!!! It's horrible! What an empty way to go through life. I just lost my battle for a life worth living. God damnit!

i dont think this is a new thing.

ive been in the mental health system for over 10 years and its like the exact same it was even 10 years ago. but your right no one in this system cares anyway.

I'm not sure what the pills are like but could you convince him to try 7.5mg after you're stabilized....I know it's not the same drug but for me abilify 5mg doesn't work at all 10mg has all the side effects and 7.5mg is a goldilocks dose....maybe he would be willing to try 7.5mg although I'm sure you'd have to cut pills....something to consider....

Sometimes, he actually suggested that too, but to first stabilize me he wants me on 10mg to fight the panic attacks right away. Then we'll move down to 7.5mg a day and test the waters for two months.

When I was on 10mg the only thing that made me feel anything was alcohol. I drank so much. I would wake up and the only thing I could think about was having another beer so that I could feel something, anything at all. I tried watching the most dramatic movies I could, listening to the most deeply moving music I could, reading my favorite part in Goethe's Faust and I couldn't get an emotional response whatsoever.

I felt like Beethoven, deaf to music, banging the piano keys as hard as he could to no avail.

I feel like that sometimes on meds. But, for me being stable without a lot of anxiety and being too emotional works. It took awhile to get used to but I teared up just today at a movie. Now, I'm not really into music like I used to be, but in the summer when I'm out of the depression fully I'm more into it.

U may level out...

Maybe something will level out but the couple months Lexapro was in effect I had no positive emotions whatsoever, except when I drank. Drinking was the only thing that made me feel human. Over time, feeling nothing wore away at me. It was torture and frustrating. I would come home. Sit down in a chair and just sit there. No music would be on. No movie would be on. I would sit there in the silence not compelled to move. Then after awhile I would notice what I was doing and I would try to put on Bob Dylan or Nina Simone to no avail. The music was just noise, just static. I would go on dates and I wouldn't feel any chemistry at all. In fact, I would just get bored or frustrated. It was like getting an emotional lobotomy. It was horrible.

saw T today. he wants me to try to challenge my magical thinking. i talked a lot abt toby and how i think if im not constantly worried about him being sick or dying then that means it will happen. he said thats like OCD. its like a thought ritual. we started breaking down the cognitive distortions in my thoughts and beliefs but i was getting overwhelmed. he said where did u go? i said i dont know. so we played cards and looked up more foods that are low in tyrosine for my new diet (which i am adhering to really well so far ). after that he asked how my anxiety was and it was better. he gave me a high five lol.

then i went to work. it was ok kinda busy but then really slow and i got sent home 30 min early. i made dinner and took a bath and did laundry. now im waiting to go to bed

toby has not pooped since yesterday morning. but he is eating the new probiotic food the vet gave me. i hope he poops soon (weird thing to say) . he seems ok he plays and stuff and purrs but idk.

Yesterday I went to "therapy" and now I have a hangover from it. This doesn't usually happen. I'm disturbed about my past behavior, the 4.5 years of adolescence. I have forgiven myself for the typical things I have done but not the psychiatric stuff. I can't seem to shed it. It confines and hurts me.

The only thing I feel ashamed of in my life is my psychiatric history. Why did I allow it to happen? Why did I violate every one of my morals? Why did I let myself become vulnerable? Why did I allow psychiatry to treat me like a piece of ****?

Maybe it's not so new, but it is getting worse. It's not limited to mental healthcare, the entire healthcare system is going down the tubes.

Just biked to hand in my second uni essay then went for a bit of a ride. It's nice and sunny so it was a good ride. I've lost 2lbs since starting biking and I only started a couple of days ago. Just shows what exercise can do!

I have no solicitor now and he advised me against appealing again. So I'm stuck on this CTO forever - because why would my doctor want me to take me off it, when all she needs is her signature to send me to hospital. No more mental health assessments.

KUREHA

i know this is slightly off topic
but i found a whole bunch of alcohol in my dads bathtub again.

i was so disappointed. i told him that.
i thought we had made a pact that if i stop smoking hed stop drinking.
i held up my side but he didnt.

At least you did, though. Please stay quit from cigarettes. It's so horrible lying in bed thinking how I'm going to die gasping.

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yea it just makes me disappointed. i tried so hard and he just bought more alcohol

I'm kind of meh. I was heading out to the gym, but I had diarrhea so I went back home. I randomly get anxiety about things and idk what gave me anxiety, but I don't feel too well physically now.

Does anyone else find it really hard to leave their house? I know a few people do, but I was curious how many because is that common with being on the schizophrenic spectrum?

Yes. I find it hard to leave my room unless there is barely any sounds or signs of presence from the neighbor side or having to go to work, i get agitated easily and i tend to hide on my room most of the time if there aint anything on.

Well I do now. Not as much when I was younger, I used to use a Walkman to create a safe barrier between me and the world. I liked walking around outside, too bad I can't still do it.

Idk why it's so hard to leave my house by myself. If my bf drives me around then I'm all for it, but if I have to go alone I usually don't go out like if I have to go to buy something from the city I just stay home. I think I'm too paranoid about unfamiliar places due to the fear that someone wants to harm me and I'm not very fast or strong.