roll call 43

I find it to be a daily struggle. I know I need to go out, but I'm also afraid of what's out there. So I end up arguing to myself about whether I should stay or go out. I do this every single day. It's gotten to the point where I won't even walk my dog anymore.

I'm having a transcendental moment right now before I start my antidepressant. I can feel so much. It feels so good. I'm going to miss this moment...

You will have more of them!

I'm going to quit seeing my nurse and doctor, I think they are involved, they know I'm telling the truth, but they just pretend that I'm sick.
I'm going to cancel tomorrow.

The only thing that makes me feel anything, while on antidepressants, is alcohol. I need the antidepressants for severe panic attacks brought on by the damage wellbutrin did to my brain so I have no good choice here. Either give up my emotions and not kill myself or live a numb life without passion, love or happiness.

We all chase after some kind of emotion and the emotion I most chase after is that awe inspiring moment when I read a poem or understand a great idea that changes my life. Im only going to get that sort of emotion while drinking now. It's the only thing that makes me feel anything.

I know what you mean. I used to have those moments as a younger person. Is it worth possibly harming yourself though? It's a hard tradeoff. When I was younger I hated the zombification but now I just don't care, well worth it to get rid of the hallucinations I have.

Weird ads, something is going to happen with the police
Wish I had someone to talk to about the gang stalking.

Well I'm bp, but I find it hard to leave the house. I need a car. The closest bus is a mile away and I can't walk it bc of my back. So I'm home most of the time and the longer I go without leaving the harder it is...

I know what you mean. Before meds I was always finding those moments and ideas that could stop me in my tracks and change my views. But for me those came with a price. Instability, anger, rage, hopelessness, fear, intense anxiety.

Idk, I miss the wonderful deep times but like I said it came with a price.

Well I'm doing ok. So sick of winter. But trying to remain as positive as possible. My sleep schedule is way off again. So need to work on that. Really nothing new...

How's everyone?

there are good docs and t's out there, that took me 30 years of different ones to figure out. in the end which is now i guess i am so happy with my t, not the doc so much, but i have to see both from thesame place to keep my t. she is unbelievable.

you can talk to me if you want

i know how you feel. i dont think its good to stop seeing your nurse and pdoc though kureha. if you do then youll end up in the hospital again.

a family member posted something a bit negative about people who are in special ed in high school.

it makes me feel bad. i was in special ed in high school for mentally/emotionally disturbed children.
i was put in a class with people with autism and some other with physical disabilities

ugh that comment makes me absolutely livid

Toby pooped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive never been so happy abt cat poop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doing good ready for spring

Lol.................

I don't really feel wanted or welcomed here anymore....

I want you here Sunshine. You're one of the few people that knows what I'm going through with this antidepressant. That means something to me. Thank you for supporting me.

i dont feel very welcomed here either. i havent really been getting the support here for awhile that i used to have here.

I support you. Lots of hugs, (because I dont have a hug button). I always read what you say. Sunshine, too.

Thank you. Just feeling really insecure lately.

you and maybe one (or two) other people support me on here anymore. anyone new here doesnt know me and doesnt care to get to know me. alot of people that i knew here has left.

...not sure right now.

i sort of feel like kureha. no one replies when i tell about what im really having problems with...my hallucinations or paranoia. im just talking to myself. thats why i started posting off-topic sometimes. to make convo with everyone here. i dont get much convo with being off topic anymore either.

Well, I don't know what to say when you talk about your hallucinations and paranoia. I know meds would help with that but there are reasons you don't want to take them that I understand. It's a trade off though. You have to weigh what's worse.

Sent from my A0001