Roll Call 44

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Willow!

I'm just going to be honest with all of you here:

The mood aspect bothers me a lot because I feel like the emotions I feel particularly when I'm depressed make me weak. I think any emotion or mood good or bad makes me weak. I had a really rough childhood and I learned early that expressing emotion is not okay. So I've done everything in my power to stuff my feelings. But when I'm having a mood episode they all come out and it's intolerable for me because I built up this entire false persona of having no emotions at all. When I have a mood episode it shatters my false self and I'm left emotionally crippled by it all and it takes me a long time to recover. I would rather have a sz diagnosis because psychosis doesn't involve your emotions. Does that make sense? I know I've gone back and forth about this a lot and I've probably driven you all crazy by now and it doesn't help that I've had a lot of other contributing factors that have made diagnosing me properly a challenge. I've been diagnosed with BP I, sza, and sz before. It's crazy making, because the doctors can't seem to figure me out too.

But taking everyone else out of it and taking an honest look at myself, my mood swings are very extreme and when I'm really up or mixed I get psychotic and completely out of control unless someone steps in and helps me. And my depressions are terrible, truly terrible. I end up completely nonfunctional and just wanting to die. I don't admit to having had suicidal ideation but I do have it when I'm in a severe depressive episode.

So that's the gist of it. It also doesn't help that sz was my original diagnosis nine years ago and I spent YEARS working on accepting that and then later on I got told oh wait you have bipolar I with psychotic features or sza BP type. It threw me for a loop and I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to accept that me, who sees herself as perfect, could have a severe mood disorder(yes in my twisted head being psychotic is okay but having bipolar isn't, gah I've got serious issues lol). But as much as I've denied it, I do have severe mood problems and it's obviously bipolar/sza. It's not going away. I need to take some practical steps to accept this. If anyone has any suggestions for me I would love to hear them.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for listening.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, Atypical. I understand what you're saying. I don't have a good answer but I see why you're upset. Lots of hugs, if that's all right.

Sent from my A0001

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Willow!

I'm just going to be honest with all of you here:

The mood aspect bothers me a lot because I feel like the emotions I feel particularly when I'm depressed make me weak. I think any emotion or mood good or bad makes me weak. I had a really rough childhood and I learned early that expressing emotion is not okay. So I've done everything in my power to stuff my feelings. But when I'm having a mood episode they all come out and it's intolerable for me because I built up this entire false persona of having no emotions at all. When I have a mood episode it shatters my false self and I'm left emotionally crippled by it all and it takes me a long time to recover. I would rather have a sz diagnosis because psychosis doesn't involve your emotions. Does that make sense? I know I've gone back and forth about this a lot and I've probably driven you all crazy by now and it doesn't help that I've had a lot of other contributing factors that have made diagnosing me properly a challenge. I've been diagnosed with BP I, sza, and sz before. It's crazy making, because the doctors can't seem to figure me out too.

But taking everyone else out of it and taking an honest look at myself, my mood swings are very extreme and when I'm really up or mixed I get psychotic and completely out of control unless someone steps in and helps me. And my depressions are terrible, truly terrible. I end up completely nonfunctional and just wanting to die. I don't admit to having had suicidal ideation but I do have it when I'm in a severe depressive episode.

So that's the gist of it. It also doesn't help that sz was my original diagnosis nine years ago and I spent YEARS working on accepting that and then later on I got told oh wait you have bipolar I with psychotic features or sza BP type. It threw me for a loop and I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to accept that me, who sees herself as perfect, could have a severe mood disorder(yes in my twisted head being psychotic is okay but having bipolar isn't, gah I've got serious issues lol). But as much as I've denied it, I do have severe mood problems and it's obviously bipolar/sza. It's not going away. I need to take some practical steps to accept this. If anyone has any suggestions for me I would love to hear them.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for listening.

i read all of what you said atypical. *hugs* too.

Atypical I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I don't claim to have had anywhere near as rough a childhood as I suspect you did from what little you've shared, but emotions weren't ok growing up and so I suppressed them as much as possible too. I did have them but they were quite minimal/superficial feelings. Then all of a sudden they started kicking my arse and I couldn't stuff them away any more, or force myself to power through. I can ignore voices and I can overcome anxiety, but I have yet to power through apathy (whether that's depression or negative stuff), and I *hate* it! I feel so lazy and I scream at myself to DO IT ANYWAY...but it doesn't work, fizzling out after a few weeks or 6 months absolute maximum. In my head, all I need to do is try harder. It's so simple! Why can't I do it?! So I understand feeling weak for not controlling emotions when I've been their master for ¾ of my life.

I also understand the confusion over the diagnostic BS. I was furious when Uni Pdoc said I had sza bipolar - how dare he say I'm that sick! But then I started to make my peace with it: it made sense and meant I wasn't weak for letting my life turn to crap. Then the idiots here said I was faking it and turned everything on its head. I still don't know which way is up. North is still lost. I don't know what to think or how to accept that this is my life. Tbh I DON'T WANT to accept this: it is NOT OK that I am 28 and have nothing to show for it! I don't have any answers for you, I really wish that I did! For both of us! But I do understand what you are saying and why you struggle so much with it, and I hope that knowing that helps even just a little

*Willow*

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Willow!

I'm just going to be honest with all of you here:

The mood aspect bothers me a lot because I feel like the emotions I feel particularly when I'm depressed make me weak. I think any emotion or mood good or bad makes me weak. I had a really rough childhood and I learned early that expressing emotion is not okay. So I've done everything in my power to stuff my feelings. But when I'm having a mood episode they all come out and it's intolerable for me because I built up this entire false persona of having no emotions at all. When I have a mood episode it shatters my false self and I'm left emotionally crippled by it all and it takes me a long time to recover. I would rather have a sz diagnosis because psychosis doesn't involve your emotions. Does that make sense? I know I've gone back and forth about this a lot and I've probably driven you all crazy by now and it doesn't help that I've had a lot of other contributing factors that have made diagnosing me properly a challenge. I've been diagnosed with BP I, sza, and sz before. It's crazy making, because the doctors can't seem to figure me out too.

But taking everyone else out of it and taking an honest look at myself, my mood swings are very extreme and when I'm really up or mixed I get psychotic and completely out of control unless someone steps in and helps me. And my depressions are terrible, truly terrible. I end up completely nonfunctional and just wanting to die. I don't admit to having had suicidal ideation but I do have it when I'm in a severe depressive episode.

So that's the gist of it. It also doesn't help that sz was my original diagnosis nine years ago and I spent YEARS working on accepting that and then later on I got told oh wait you have bipolar I with psychotic features or sza BP type. It threw me for a loop and I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to accept that me, who sees herself as perfect, could have a severe mood disorder(yes in my twisted head being psychotic is okay but having bipolar isn't, gah I've got serious issues lol). But as much as I've denied it, I do have severe mood problems and it's obviously bipolar/sza. It's not going away. I need to take some practical steps to accept this. If anyone has any suggestions for me I would love to hear them.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for listening.

Thank you Atypical

Did your pdoc have any ideas for treating the mixed episode? All I have to suggest is waiting it out and reminding myself that I'm not an impulsive person. Pacing helps sometimes if physically restless too until I can pass out. Avoiding people so I minimise my irritability & nastiness. Loud music through headphones is more socially acceptable than screaming. Telling myself that it won't last forever. They're all pretty crap suggestions really considering how awful it is and how it can last weeks, but it's all I've had treating myself.

*Willow*

I read what you said. I have sza bipolar type and it took me forever to accept even being bipolar at the time and being in denial about constant hallucinations/delusions. I finally accept my illness and am honest about how I am with my medical providers.

To be honest, I hate the mood component because that's what really make me dysfunctional. I can hallucinate and have delusions yet still go to work and school, but if I'm manic or depressed it just makes life so much harder and usually makes me less successful.

you know what i dont exercise but i play drums almost everyday and i sweat from it. i play them for an hour or two sometimes more some days. every limb is doing a different thing. i mean a completely different thing. its like playing 4 easy instruments with each limb and then putting them all together. at the same time. people bash drummers and say that drums are the easiest instrument. no its not. its not the hardest either. its just as equally as hard as any other instrument out there.

but wait a min. what im getting at lol is that i dont exercise doing typical stuff but i sweat moving my limbs and exercising my muscles on my drums. so that kinda counts as exercising right?

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Willow!

I'm just going to be honest with all of you here:

The mood aspect bothers me a lot because I feel like the emotions I feel particularly when I'm depressed make me weak. I think any emotion or mood good or bad makes me weak. I had a really rough childhood and I learned early that expressing emotion is not okay. So I've done everything in my power to stuff my feelings. But when I'm having a mood episode they all come out and it's intolerable for me because I built up this entire false persona of having no emotions at all. When I have a mood episode it shatters my false self and I'm left emotionally crippled by it all and it takes me a long time to recover. I would rather have a sz diagnosis because psychosis doesn't involve your emotions. Does that make sense? I know I've gone back and forth about this a lot and I've probably driven you all crazy by now and it doesn't help that I've had a lot of other contributing factors that have made diagnosing me properly a challenge. I've been diagnosed with BP I, sza, and sz before. It's crazy making, because the doctors can't seem to figure me out too.

But taking everyone else out of it and taking an honest look at myself, my mood swings are very extreme and when I'm really up or mixed I get psychotic and completely out of control unless someone steps in and helps me. And my depressions are terrible, truly terrible. I end up completely nonfunctional and just wanting to die. I don't admit to having had suicidal ideation but I do have it when I'm in a severe depressive episode.

So that's the gist of it. It also doesn't help that sz was my original diagnosis nine years ago and I spent YEARS working on accepting that and then later on I got told oh wait you have bipolar I with psychotic features or sza BP type. It threw me for a loop and I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to accept that me, who sees herself as perfect, could have a severe mood disorder(yes in my twisted head being psychotic is okay but having bipolar isn't, gah I've got serious issues lol). But as much as I've denied it, I do have severe mood problems and it's obviously bipolar/sza. It's not going away. I need to take some practical steps to accept this. If anyone has any suggestions for me I would love to hear them.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for listening.

Well I'm still working to a degree on accepting that I have bp. But just bc of stigma. I like feeling things deeply. I'm not afraid of emotions really. Except rage, anger, being vulnerable and severe self hate that I get in deep dark depressions. Idk, it sounds like you don't want to lose control. Which is understandable considering what you've been through.

I hope you can learn to embrace your emotions.

Thank you for your support. You're right that I don't want to lose control, and when I have a mood episode I always do lose control unless I get a med adjustment that stops it before I end up doing something really stupid and ending up in the hospital or whatever. Losing control scares me, when I developed BP I was so angry because I knew I was losing it I just didn't know it was BP at the time.

I think it's great that you like feeling things deeply, it's so different than me. I have a lot to learn from you and I'm sure others here as well. I want to get better at embracing my feelings but it's a long road ahead as you know because of another condition I have. I appreciate your reply, it means a lot.

I think I've decided I'm only having one cup of coffee a day. I had a cup of coffee at my therapists office, and feel very anxious. I have decaf. I need to stock up on some decaffeinated teas. Very broke though now...