Roll Call 44

I don't have any advice newtus but I've read your posts and I agree that it's unfair and mean of her.

i saw T this morning. there was a woman in the waiting room asking me questions about her intake form for the other person in the office building. she was like "what does fatigue mean?" "how do u spell crohns" "what are neurological problems" lol i wanted to get out of there! at least T came right at 10 and got me i didnt hear noises in Ts fan this time and i told him and he said good! im going to start seeing the nurse practitioner in his office building that he collaborates with. he wrote a letter to her explaining me and my situation with the meds. the goal is that this NP will help us reduce my meds. i see her on the 3rd. he basically explained a lot about me and in the beginning he wrote that sometimes i may seem disinterested ,antagonistic, or dissociated in a meeting. i guess he was warning her! he explained it in the letter that it is bc of my former T and what happened with the abuse n stuff. i was like T i like ur comment about me being disinterested. he smiled and said now u have permission to act that way towards NP. hah!

it was a good visit it was lighthearted and it was good to see T.

That sounds really frustrating newtus, I hope you get to go anyway and have a good time. We don't really get big comic conventions here but I'd love to go to one!

I agree it's unfair. Unfortunately you can't control her, only yourself. I know you know that already. In my case I had to separate emotionally from my mom in order to stop feeling so hurt by her. There have been decades that I never called her. It's not that extreme now, but if I let it, her behavior towards me can hurt me a lot.

its hard to seperate myself personally from my parents - emotionally. idk...i can physically seperate myself from my mom. which helps a lot on its own. but i cant emotionally that much.

It took me 7 years of therapy. I found that I forgave my parents (you probably don't need to do that as much, since your dad is great) as well as separated from them. I still wasn't able to do things I wanted, like get married, etc. But at least they didn't hurt me so much anymore. I love my mom though. Just can't deal with very much time with her at once. If I call once a week, that's really all I can do. Good luck with your mom. If you can train yourself to expect nothing from her it will get better.

thanks. thats actually been one of the toughest things for me in therapy. its actually something i never want to talk about: my mom. i guess its time i do. i have a bit with this new one. but this therapist is practically useless. right now anyways.

thank you

WELL..im all caught up on school right now. did my first assignments. wont really have anymore assignments for a 2-3 weeks. im glad its spaced out. BUT i still will probably do them before deadline comes. im enjoying philosophy most right now.

idk if im hallucinating but im hearing scratching and thumping sounds in the wall. im pretty scared. because my home phone has been ringing off the hook too. im wondering if i might be be being watched and tortured at this moment in time.

oh god....ever since those jehovahs witnesses been coming to my house - my house has been like a house of horrors...

i actually did wonder if they were gonna do something like this. idk HOW they got my dads name and address and WHY they wont goto anyone elses house but ours. ugh im scared and mad now.

While I'm in deep REM sleep
Or twilight zones
I take a freight elevator
And press fast forward
So I can grind these teeth
And peek thru time
If I could bring things back
They'd feedback wild
And when I saw the future - the geeks were right

CHOON!!!

The faint! ^

my favourite song by the faint is I disappear

My job is going well been so busy and tired lately I still have issues thinking I hear people talking behind my back in the work place and Im not so sure if people like me or they are just pretending but I dont know really.

ever since i started college i never knew what major i wanted to major in. the first maybe 2 years i was for sure i wanted to get a degree in filmmaking but then i changed my mind and i never knew after that. idk what to do

Glad to hear your job is going well....it's been a while....I think it's better to think people like you...there is no advantage to pretending really....

hey lillybird good to hear from u

i like the faint. i saw them in concert. i think my fav song is erection. lol. or birth

Went on a date with an amazing woman the past couple weeks. We had so much in common. She knows latin and Greek so we've read the same books even! She sends me a text today apologizing for the long delay and that she's been dating someone more seriously. I sent her a polite response but Jesus Christ. Ouch

Then again, I don't have myself together and I'm 32 years old. I work a dead end job that really doesn't even pay the bills. I'm always stressing about my health and finances. I wake up with anxiety and pass out to bed from panic attacks. I can barely take a shower let alone brush my teeth. Everything that I've learned keeps me going but God damn it.

I thought things through and I've decided to move in with my mother until November. Then I will Move out to California to stay with my sister. There I will have two years to get on my feet she said. My heart is pacing right now because of all the pressure I'm under. All these changes are giving me so much anxiety but I know it's the best thing for me to do. I'm honestly scared. However, if I keep the same job then I'll just keep digging myself a deeper hole until I can't breathe any longer. Plus, Ill be living with a family that cares for me. Here I live alone with my better half, a cat named pumpkin. God, I hate change but here goes nothing.

i hear you ody. i just want you to know that.
i mean what kind of job are you working?
have you thought maybe getting like a certificate in a diff field to get better pay?
idk i dont really know about jobs

I have a job painting and doing drywall. I have no healthcare nor a pension. Taxes aren't even taken out. It's a tough business and I've dug myself pretty deep into a whole that I don't know If I can get out of.

im so sorry to hear ody

guys i have so much anxiety. i feel like i need help. my dad is asleep. i feel like im about to throw up or faint. im feelig dizzy and weak. idk how im even typing right now.

i think im gonna vomit right now!

guys im taking my haldol. im having extreme anxiety and panic attacks so i took my haldol. i cant handle the anxiety being this bad anymore. i really cant.

i cant watch tv or listen to music or go on the computer withought going into a oanic attack. let alone get in my car and drive somewhere or whatever.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad newtus, I hope the haldol helps you

I'm so frustrated with my medications right now, I need them but they make me so exhausted. I'm having a hard time getting motivated in my classes online, I guess I should set up a specific time everyday to do schoolwork.

My eyes they wander on a summers eve, the wind it blows as the stars melt into the sky and disappear...the world slowly crumbles beneath my feet, as I walk on a sheet of glass road and peer through at the world on fire just underfoot. I climb the bridge descending just slowly winding into the clouds, Fire it melts within them..crumbling sky falls onto my shoulders like sugar dust silken to the touch but it smells like rust.. explosions sound off somewhere not too distant, was it, is it, can it be my sanity leaving me behind? debris scatter through the air in slow motion I touch it then wave goodbye, as the heavens swallow me up and I descend from the sky.


just a poem I wrote...^

I know it's hard but I think you're making the right choice....