Roll Call 44

Loial if I remember right

someone put the loial signal up in the sky!

thats right. i hope Loial gets here in time to start it.

I feel like something really bad is going to happen. I don't feel safe. My stomach is hurting and my chest is tight. I need to run but I don't know where nowhere is safe

i was putting aside stopping my newspaper service for a year because i was afraid to call them and speak to them on the phone. i finally just did it. and yes i was right i had to speak to someone one on one on the phone and they kept getting me to not stop my service. i was so nervous.

i dont have enough time to read my papers and they pile up every month. im just going to buy the paper as needed at the grocery store. plus it take out money every fricking week to buy the newspaper and thats money i need to be saving!

Its midnight here and i'm stuck at work, perhaps its the only place where i wont be so easily paranoid or triggered, though i would still be prone to anxieties.

My internet has been dodgy for like the last year---I still haven't called because I don't want to talk to a person especially a sales person----also the reason I went without dental or medical care for various long intervals.....it's just so hard---I'm proud of you for dealing with it.

whenever i buy a subscription to something i make sure it either stops automatically like buying 1 year subscription or that i can cancel over the internet.

I know there are some magazines I refuse to buy because of that....

yea i actually have one magazine subscription. but its a one year. so it stops after getting it a whole year. i was getting the dallas newspaper but ended up canceling that (a long time ago). i had to talk to someone on the phone too. and then today canceled my NYT newspaper. i paying 40 dollars a month for it. ugh. i actually like the dallas newspaper better. but from now on just gonna buy both as needed from the grocery.

work was ok . im glad to be home! with toby man!

as of right now both my parents arent really willing to take me to the main comic con event in may. i asked both of them and offered to pay for their tickets and they still said both basically said very little and they arent really sure.

ugh. this sucks...but i gotta do something. my mom doesnt work. my dad does. if they cant take me ill have to figure out some way to drive there i guess. im not comfortable leaving my car at a rail station 30 miles away from home and then riding farther than that to get to my destination and leaving not only my car at that station but having to walk to my destination afterwards. so id have to get there by car...yet...i dont have a toll tag and id have to drive on the most dangerous highway in dallas if i want to get there in under 2 hours.

:/ :/ :/

if they arent willing to take me one on one to one event this year at all....then that means i wont get to goto any festival this year unless i drive myself.

...and idk my way around dallas.

i worry about safety and people killing me EVERYWHERE i go. if i didnt have paranoia and so much anxiety and fear - id do things on my own.

You can get a turn by turn GPS app for your phone...

Sent from my A0001

yea i have one. its just im worried about safety. mostly worried about people stealing something of mine or trying to hurt me. especially trying to hurt me. ive been on the rail transit before and its like any other one almost - but its really scary.

ugh i wish i just had a personal driver. and yes i thought about Uber and all that stuff but i dont think stuff like Uber is safe. have you heard of it SometimesP? i have...i even have the app...i just dont know.

I think the anhedonia side effect from my prescribed dose Concerta is going away!!! Aahahahahahaha Its supposed to take 3 months but maybe the abuse sped it up :/



It's probably the Prozac but I know I'll feel great when I'm awake.

Low dose modafinil would probably be like the boot to kick me out of psychiatry

I'm concerned about Uber's safety too. It would be best if you could drive yourself the whole way and back.

Sent from my A0001

Yes people use Uber all the time here----my friends ex was actually a driver for them, it's just normal people trying to make some money. I'm waiting for the google self-driving car

lol omg if a car could drive me somewhere by itself thatd be amazing but then theres stillmy personal issue of im still gonna be alone at the place anyway (wherever the car took me to).

but thatd be cool

yea i bet it would. plus would save me money.
OR at least drive my car to the nearest rail transit and go from there.

i used to live by the rail station. literally used to live like i could honestly step off my porch and walk to the end of the block and the platform was there. so ive rode it many times just not a lot recently.

im somewhat comfortable riding the transit. kinda not. but not that comfortable leaving my car far away from where i am.

i should probably get a toll tag too.

thanks angelique for the advice. i might just drive all the way myself if someone cant take me

When did everyone get their drivers license? Driving and getting a care an being social and living life in the world having a normal teenage life wasn't what I was doing when I was sick.

Now I'm an adult and I still need to do the test but then again my parents are always busy and 8-9 months of winter. If I didn't get Ill all the time is have so many friends and being doing a bunch of stuff and it really gets me down but I just need to keep moving forward.

Edit: idk why my language is going down the drain when I type all of a sudden but I'm not editing right now..

tweaky - i didnt have a normal teenage life but i also didnt have one where i was completely disabled. i got my full license at 16. i had to. my parents divorced. my dad had to work and didnt have time to take me to school and my mom was being a deadbeat parent and didnt want to take me to school.

i used to take the bus or walk to school but i used to get catcalled by men where i had walk through and men would follow me. so my dad bought me a car for my SAFETY and the reasons in the last paragraph.

i drove even less when i was in my early twenties because i was very sick. even tho i am sick still now i HAVE to have a car to get me to medical appointments and my needs. and right now at the moment im in this semi-well period of my life and im taking advantage of it. plus im getting older. but even NOW im still fighting my parents to take me places because i dont really feel that comfortable driving. period.

dont bash me for being semi-well right now. im packing in a lot of things in a short period of time that i can do while im not overly sick because ALL this stuff im doing....school...these festivals...it all could be over at any day.

im not taking all my medicines i should so all this could go down the drain any time. so why not take advantage of what i can now while im semi-ok?

Bash you? I'm really sorry for when I was paranoid sorry if you feel threatened. I'm threatened.

I feel really broken right now tbh

But I don't want to talk about it.

I'm kinda confused but whatever