Voices calling me gay

Hello,

I am new to this forum to ask about my problem because I couldn't find any sort of information regarding this topic online.

So my first psychotic episode broke out in 2010.
Back then I was (unhappily) in love with a girl.
For the first time the voices revolved around me and her. Her voices making me go to her house and what not. I don't want to go into details about that here.

Later on "she" started to call me a homosexual, ****** and the likes.
After hearing your voices tell you you're a homosexual for months you start to question your sexuality.

I assume I am suffering from HOCD which is basically a fear about turning/being gay.
But I don't know anymore what to believe. So far in my life I've only felt attraction towards and could only fall in love with women. But these voices really tried to convince me otherwise. And since it's voices coming from my brain I am afraid that what they are saying is true.
Now almost 5 years later they still haven't stopped.
Obviously I completely stopped trying to get into relationships until I am certain about my sexuality.
I have days where I don't even care about this topic at all and life is great.
But then something happens and I start questioning myself again.
This is really bothering me but I can't go to a therapist because this is a rather ridiculous and embarrassing problem. I am also afraid that he'll diagnose me as gay, which would be a reason to jump in front of a train.

I don't know exactly why I'm even posting this since nobody here has the capacity to fix me. Guess I just need to vent a little because this is really messing with me.

I have to say that I have nothing against gay people, I just simply don't want to be one myself, even though I am afraid I could be one.

OK, so this paragraph really stands out for me. First of all, I think homosexuality was removed from all the diagnostic systems decades ago. I think in Bulgaria too, since it was removed from both the major diagnostic manuals; ICD and DSM. At any rate it is not a disorder, it's completely natural and most gay people are happy, normal people. When you say being told you're gay would be a reason to jump in front of a train, I immediately assume that this is causing you much pain because you have unresolved issues related to this. I am not saying it has to do with your sexuality, as I'm pretty sure you would know by now if you were attracted to men. Being gay doesn't just happen overnight. Like heterosexuality, homosexuality starts when puberty starts. If you've always been attracted to women, and not men (bisexual people are attracted to both, but you probably knew that), I see no reason why anyone would assume that you're gay. But I do understand that the voices made you question your sexuality.

I think if you get to the point that being told you're gay is no longer a reason for you to commit suicide, this problem will resolve itself. I'm not a professional, that is just my opinion. I also do not think you're gay at all. I knew I was gay when I turned 12. I've never been attracted to females, just like you have never been attracted to males. No voice is going to change that. That is something fundamental about you that will not change no matter what the voices or other people tell you.

I hope this problem resolves itself one way or another, because you're obviously in a lot of distress. I do not hear voices myself, so I can't tell you how you can beat them. But don't give up hope, because it is possible. I wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue.

my voices did this to me as well. i am here to tell you there are ways to stop voices, both chemicly, mentaly and externaly. I use logic on my voices when i cant silence them with the others. theyll accuse me off this or that, ill say "prove your perfection" then maybe ill consider changing. there is nothing shameful about being gay. to some its biological, others its a choice. but in all of this, your not alone, dont let others or those pesky brain gnomes tell you otherwise..resist the lies smart friend.

I have heard of other people experiencing this. I have also experienced that a bit myself, but it's a little bit different for me since I don't necessarily think that I am 100% of either orientation, probably a little bit of a mix of the two like a lot of people are. Your situation sounds a bit different as they seem to be criticizing you for being "gay" even though you aren't at all. I could be wrong, but if you have never found men or fantasies of men to turn you on, their use of the term "gay" probably has to do with some part of your image of what being "gay" is rather than speaking of an attraction to men. In my experience, times that I have heard voices it often is not necessarily literal statements about me but rather a sort of metaphor or statement of some kind. In fact, in my experience, if interpreted literally, many audio hallucinations would simply be illogical statements and remarks without any logical base in reality.

My delusion had me believe my professors were persecuting me thinking I was gay. I believed they were hazing me because of this. Not only that, but also my coworkers at work were doing the same I believed. The distress I went through was so much to bear that I wanted to kill myself. I wasn't mentally prepared to handle the idea of everyone thinking I was gay, and I mean everyone. The whole time I had a girlfriend who supported me through this year long psychosis. Then the bullying came. The professors thought of me as precocious so they thought I could handle being bullied a bit. Unbeknownst to them I was under the weight of the world being blamed for all sorts of things as time went on that where just insane and so taboo and just morally wrong. The stress that my brain went under due to all these false beliefs over a year nearly destroyed my short term memory.

My situation has similarities in common with you. For me, reason was no longer in the driver seat-- fear was, and fear created a world that brought me to my knees. After reading your story, perhaps it's just that fear is in the driver seat for you too, making you hear the worst of all possible of things. Schizophrenia has a way of doing that to people. I hope you find peace, my friend.

The voice I hear tortures me (but in a way that is unique to me). The voices we hear are often abusive. It has nothing to do with you being gay but with your fear of being gay. That's a way that the voice you hear can abuse and upset you. Take care of yourself. Meds can help. They helped me.

Hello GypsyKing

Every time you think of being gay your voices will catch these ideas and pull them into your mind. Think about this as if I were inside yourself and could listen to all your thoughts all day long. Now how would I react to your thoughts if this is all I could see and not understand anything else. Your thoughts put out indicators or stressors and this is them trying to understand things. Every time the homosexual thing shows up in your mind imagine yourself with a woman and try and hold it as a woman as they will try to change this. They need to understand that you like women but are confused about your thoughts of homosexuality.

A strong mind can accept sex with either man or woman but we hold our own preferences inside of us, you must show them that your preference is in women

powessy

Thank you for all your replies so far.
I was a bit surprised that a lot of you people could actually relate.

I have to add a bit here because it's not being actually gay is a problem but rather these voices tormenting me with these sorts of accusations.
I just want this insecurity to stop. As long as I can remember I was always just attracted to women and I am sure I still am today but these thoughts and hallucinations mess with me so hard that I don't know what to believe about myself anymore.

The Human Mind and Pure O/OCD

Well, let me just start off by saying that all of the things that I am going to be talking about I have applied to my situation and to myself. I myself have experienced HOCD so most of my material will be aimed towards helping people with HOCD. Although, if you have a different type of obsession, my material could help you as well. Anyone that is suffering or who has suffered with OCD knows that “beating it”, “defeating it”, “getting rid of it”, “battling it”, or “wishing it away” isn’t an easy task.

I have suffered with HOCD for about a year now and I have finally come to a realization that I’m going to do something about it.

But…wait…

Haven’t you been “trying” to do something about it this entire time?

Good question and I know exactly what you mean when you ask that.

You are right that I have been “trying” to do something about OCD for an entire year. Would you not agree that this is a problem though?

We all know that Thomas Edison didn’t invent the light bulb in a day, a week, or even a year.

But…

If Edison stuck with the very first thing he thought of every time then we wouldn’t have light bulbs today. Hypothetically speaking of course.

We are also not trying to solve something that has never been solved either. What you may not know about the real truth is that hundreds of thousands of people have overcome OCD and will continue to overcome OCD. 100,000 people probably isn’t even close to being accurate. The point is you can’t do the same thing that ISN’T working over and over again and expect it to work. You have to have courage to try and do something else. This is something the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists may not be telling you. They may be so-called “professionals” but most of them have never had pure o/ocd. So they don’t know what it is like, therefore in my opinion they aren’t really equipped to help you. The world of psychology now a days in my opinion has too much to do with medication and not enough to do with actually getting to the root of the problem and actually helping people. Also, medication doesn’t get rid of a thought. You are going to have a thought no matter what chemically altering substance you ingest.

Don’t buy into the lie that pure O/OCD isn’t curable. That is a load of garbage.

Hmm… well, okay, cool.

Yes, cool indeed.

Let me ask you something… if I were to ask you how you developed OCD, HOCD, or whatever OCD you have… would you know the answer?

The exact date? Time? The exact thought?

If you know the answers to those questions then either you developed OCD yesterday or you are a complete genius.

By the way, those answers are completely useless and irrelevant and so is OCD/Pure O. You might as well go ahead and assign “OCD/Pure O” to a different category. That name of that category is called “irrelevant things”.

I’m going to be throwing around the word irrelevant quite a bit because it is in my opinion the most important aspect that is going to …..

Going to what? Hmm… well, that’s another good question.

Isn’t it?

What I’m about to tell you is in my opinion one of the most crucial things to realize with OCD.

You may have already realized it for yourself, but you still can’t make the necessary steps to…..

To what? Why do you keep dodging the “what”? What “word” are you talking about here?

Is it “defeat”, “get rid of”, “magically wish away”, “wish you never had it”, “wish you never developed it”, “beat”, “realize how irrational it is”, “annihilate”, “demolish”, “eradicate from your mind”, etc…..

I think you are familiar with these things. I think you understand where I’m going with this. These are things that you are way too “familiar” with. Right?

How do you think OCD even started? Well, let’s think about this.

What is OCD? OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is just a fancy name given to people that

1.) Obsess
2.) Are compulsive about their obsession, which basically means that it is “uncontrollable”, “overwhelming”, or “irresistible”. Meaning they can’t help it.. but actually they can and that they do it over and over again, 24/7 almost.
3.) The third word is “disorder”… I think one could agree that when you put an obsession and make it compulsive that it is a disorder.

Now, that is OCD, which is also irrelevant and I’ll get to that later.

There is also what is called Pure O. Something you may also be familiar with. The difference between OCD and Pure O is that Pure O are usually thoughts only while OCD involves some type of unwanted repeated action like washing your hands a thousand times a day for example. Pure O stands for “pure obsession”, meaning it is just an obsession in the mind. You could also say “pure addiction” or “pure habit” as well, which is also one of the other most crucial points to realize, if you haven’t already. It’s an addiction of the mind. A habit.

Now I stated above that I am mainly going to cover HOCD because that is what I am suffering with. I don’t think it would be fair to cover any other type of OCD because I don’t exactly know what it is like to have other types of OCD’s or Pure O’s.
In my case (I don’t know about your case) my HOCD started off as a Pure O type. Which, in my opinion, that is usually how they all start. I could be wrong though.

*This is important to realize: “All Pure O (pure obsession)/ OCD started within the mind by a thought.

Meaning… you could have lived your life for 10+ years without obsessing about something and then BAM!... all of a sudden for some reason you had to have an irrelevant thought that was going to eventually turn into pure o/ocd.

Okay, well, why can’t I free myself of OCD/Pure O then?

Hmm….. well, lets just go a little further. Shall we?

(Again, I can’t express this enough that my material is aimed for HOCD individuals)

Okay, well, what else is OCD/Pure O?… well, it is a fear and addiction.

**********An irrelevant obsessive fear and addiction***************

Irrelevant
Fear
Addiction

Soak that in for a couple of minutes. Go some where, and just relax. Think about those 3 words for me if you will. Focus on an object like a clock or a watch for example. Just examine it and think about every little detail as much as possible while thinking about those 3 words. Get a glass of water and think about how much that water is going to make your mind healthy and your body healthy. Believe that it is going to make you healthy. Take as much time as you need and then come back to read the rest when you are ready.

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Okay, thanks for doing that for me (if you did). Don’t feel ashamed if you didn’t actually do it. I know you want to tackle this thing and get it taken care of so you can move on with your life. I want you to be healthy. I hate that people have to go through this horrific thing. It really hurts us. It does a lot of harm to us. I hate it. It is disgusting, defiling, horrific, horrible, nasty, and just down right debilitating. I’m sure you would agree. You deserve to be helped. Not because you are a deserving person, but because this simply doesn’t have to apart of your life. In fact, there was probably a time in your life when you didn’t have to even worry about this at all. If you lived a time in your life when you didn’t have this disorder then it is possible to go back to that state when you didn’t have to worry about this.

I’m sorry if I seem to be getting off track of things and I know you are probably expecting me to get to a crucial point but the truth is that the thing that really helped me the most is realizing this crucial point. Crucial word or aspect rather……

Can you guess what it is? I like to ask a lot of questions because I want you to think about this. Not only to get your mind off of your obsession but to really soak it in and realize what I’m trying to teach you.

I can’t transfer my methods into your head. I have to do the best I can to type this thoroughly enough for you to understand.

Okay, I’ll try to get back on track here……

Now… Out of those 3 words that I put in italicized bold print above… which one do you think is the most important out of the 3?

Irrelevant

Remember all of those phrases I also listed above too?

Phrases like “battling it”, “defeating it”, “getting rid of it”, “rationalizing with it”, etc…

These are why you still have OCD/Pure O.

OCD and/or Pure O started one day in the mind. One day you started having a certain unwanted thought for some reason and then you probably said to yourself something along the lines of…. “No, I would never do that”, “That’s not who I am”, “That’s messed up, why would I think of something like this?”

To be honest, the fact that you have OCD/Pure O proves that you would never do these things and that you don’t want to do them. It is because you are a moral person.

What you may not realize is that you have actually accidentally programmed your mind to have these thoughts automatically by habit or addiction.
Remember that you cannot repeat the same thing that started the disorder and expect to get results. You have to have courage and be willing to face your fear.

See your mind or subconscious views this as a life threatening situation. It really isn’t but until you “prove” this to your subconscious, trying to rationalize with it just makes it worse.

You see, the reason why I say the word “irrelevant” is the most crucial thing to realize in my opinion is because you and I are/were essentially trying to defeat an irrelevant fear.

Facing your fear head on doesn’t mean “battling it”, “trying to defeat it”, “trying to rationalize”.

There is actually a way to prove to your subconscious and to yourself that you would never do these things. You already know you would never do them but your subconscious mind learns more by your actions and how you react to your thoughts.

The only thing that separates people that have OCD/Pure O from people that don’t have OCD/Pure O is the reaction to certain thought or compulsive behavior. Everybody experiences messed up thoughts. It would actually be impossible and not normal for someone to go through life without experiencing or having a thought like this. Everybody does!

This is part of what I did to help myself is to realize all of this.

After I came to this realization, I had to then do something with the realization that I had come to. I also had to do something different. Something that worked. I knew I couldn’t keep doing the same thing that I had been doing because that is what kept fueling my OCD/Pure O.

Okay, so now let us recap. So you have an addiction/habit of the mind. It is an irrelevant fear also. The way that it started in the first place and what is keeping it going right now have one main thing in common. That thing that they have in common is the fact that you are still doing the same thing that you did the first day that you developed this irrelevant habitual fear.

Okay, so I realize all of this but I’m still having thoughts. If I can’t engage with them at all then how do I stop the thoughts from coming?

That’s the problem my friend………..trying to stop the thoughts from coming.

You are doing the same thing that started the thoughts right in the first place. The reason why you are still having the thoughts is because you are “trying to get rid of them”. You are “battling it”, “trying to get rid of it”, “trying to rationalize”, “trying to defeat”. I don’t like these terms because this is what keeps OCD/Pure O going.

If you have not heard of the story that Hercules learned when battling the Hydra then I would suggest you look it up.

I’ll cut to the chase and give you a summarized version of the story.

Hercules was sent to battle the Hydra. The Hydra is a creature that has more than one head. Hercules was a strong individual just like you.

Anyone that can still function in day to day living with this disorder is a strong person. We are not strong because we are strong. We are strong because we are weak and keep moving forward when constantly knocked down, but there are lessons in life I believe all people should learn.

Okay, back to the Hercules story. Hercules is battling the Hydra. He took some kind of sharp weapon with him to battle the Hydra like a sword for example. He figured that he would cut off all of the heads of the Hydra in order to kill the creature. Hercules ran into a problem though. Every time he cut off one of the Hydras heads, two more grew back in its place. The more Hercules fought with the Hydra the more he lost.

Trust me Hercules is tough and can “handle” a Hydra but in order for him to defeat the Hydra was to defeat the Hydra a certain way. Because the way that he had been trying to defeat the Hydra wasn’t going anywhere. Every time he cut off a head, 2 more grew back. Hercules had to essentially not only “give up” but he had to kneel before the Hydra, pick the creature up and hold the creature into the light. He had to accept that in order to defeat his foe, he had to give rise by kneeling.

Now I can’t remember exactly how the Hydra was “killed” but that’s not the point.

The fact that you are still “trying to get rid of these thoughts” is essentially you trying to cut off of a Hydra head. OCD/Pure O is the Hydra and your sword is anything you use to try to get rid of the irrelevant fear you have.

When Hercules knelt to the Hydra and lifted the creature up, he gave rise to himself because he accepted that he couldn’t defeat it the way he thought he would defeat it.

Acceptance is actually a powerful thing here for you. It is one of the tools you are going to be using to help you become OCD/Pure O free.

If you have lived with OCD/Pure O your entire life I can’t exactly relate to you because I didn’t have OCD/Pure O my entire life. I developed OCD/Pure O when I was 23 years old. I had social anxiety as well and then it got so bad that it eventually developed into HOCD because I had a gay thought, too…..one day….Seriously, I know it sounds silly… it is literally one day you had a homosexual thought. That is how it all starts. I can tell you right off of the bat that it is impossible for your sexual orientation to all of sudden just “biologically change.” IMPOSSIBLE. If you are worried about being gay, then you are not gay. Plain and simple.

Okay, moving on.

You can’t get OCD/Pure O free without facing your fear. Period. You have to prove to your subconscious mind that this is nothing to you. Nothing at all.

So, I said to myself, I didn’t used to have OCD/Pure O. I made it up to 23 years without having this problem, sooo… why can’t I just replicate the person that I used to be?

I can use my memory to help me too.

You have to remember who you TRULY ARE!

Which is NOT your thoughts. AT ALL!

Accept that you can’t do anything about this, accept the anxiety, accept the thoughts as just thoughts. Stop trying to defeat them!!!!!!

Give rise that you are truly helpless and are in need of help. Admit that you can’t do anything.

Now after you have done all of this, use your memory of who you were before to help you. If you can’t remember then you have to create yourself in your head of who you want to be. How you want to do things.

You need to have courage. Courage faces fears. Have the courage to stand up and act according to who you truly are. Doing this all the time while allowing the thoughts to be there.

I had to do this with my social anxiety as well. The fact of the matter is that you are too afraid to face it and would rather go into your comfort zone. I’m not trying to offend you but you have to get up and have courage. Face your fears.

I know it may seem like you are too emotionally, spiritually, and mentally damaged but trust me you CAN RECOVER. The first step is getting rid of the anxiety. You get rid of the anxiety by letting it be there while doing an action that contradicts it.

You have to give rise to yourself by accepting that the thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Worrying doesn’t do any good at all. None. In fact, it makes it worse.

You get rid of the fear of OCD/Pure O then you get rid of OCD/Pure O.

But don’t use terms like “get rid of” or “defeat” because that is like Hercules using a sword to cut off a Hydra head.

If you haven’t read the story about Hercules and the Hydra then I STRONGLY suggest that you do.

He had to kneel and accept. This is what gave Hercules great strength. This is what is going to give you strength as well. Have courage. Do the opposite of what you think you should be doing.

What you are doing is why you still have OCD/Pure O. You have to be willing to have courage and go out and face this thing while allowing the anxiety and thoughts to be there at the same time.

It is not going to happen over night, but you ultimately have to choose whether or not you want to live with this anymore.

I hope your answer is no, because once you realize just how silly all of this worrying is you will probably want to face palm yourself.

The mind is truly powerful and has incredible healing abilities. Your mind can regenerate. It has a powerful ability to heal and regenerate. I bet you didn’t know that did ya?

Your emotional and spiritual health will get better too, trust me, but it all starts in the mind. It also starts with your heart as well. Heal your mind and heart.

Follow your heart with your mind. Your heart is telling you that this isn’t the real you and you don’t have to live with this the rest of your life like this. Listen to your heart. You are strong, beautiful, and a fully capable human being. A human that doesn’t need to be restricted to such horrific vileness.

Once you are able to function without worrying and also naturally is when you can successfully say that you have freed yourself from this habit and irrelevant fear.

You are essentially going to have to learn how to walk again. You need to have courage. Courage faces fears. Courage proves to the subconscious as well. That proof that you have so been longing for this whole time is in the essence of acceptance and courage.

You are not living in the moment. You are living in the restrictions of OCD. You cannot get rid of OCD/Pure O because it is an irrelevant fear and habit.

Courage, kindness, acceptance, and…… love.

These are the things that make a person strong. Make a person capable. Find a passion. Something you really care about and go after it with all of your might. A healthy passion please. If you are watching porn, drinking, smoking, going to strip clubs, etc… I would advise you to stop or try your best to stop because you are polluting yourself. You can say I’m offensive all you want.
I just want you to be healthy.

When the thought enters your head just let it be there. Imagine yourself actually physically reaching into your mind and grabbing the thought and then tossing it into the air. All of this time while doing the opposite of your compulsions and not giving into to them.

So, I say have courage. It isn’t going to happen overnight but you have to have discipline. Discipline yourself to see how long you can go without having a thought or compulsion by accepting them. It will take practice but I know you are capable of doing this. Make it a game. Make it a goal.

Trust me. I know you are more than capable of doing this. If I can do it so can you. I’ve been through some very dark times. Almost committed suicide. I’ve wanted to commit suicide so many times. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to want it bad enough.

You have to be willing to risk embarrassment as well. You have to have courage and replicate a version of yourself that never had OCD/Pure O to begin with.

I’m only passing down information that I had to learn for myself as well. We all have been in the “shoes”. We all know what it is like to walk in those shoes. I’ve been there. I was the person learning about this stuff at one time too. I’m not trying to discourage you, I’m just trying to get you to realize that you can do this.

Imagine how you would be, how you would act, what you would think if you never developed this disorder and then be as close to that person as possible.

Do all of this while accepting the thoughts or letting the thoughts be there. This is how you prove to yourself that it is possible is by taking action and having courage.


If I didn’t explain this well enough to help then I truly believe that if you ask I can better help you.

Okay, it is time to free yourself from this vileness and get your mental health back in order. Your health is the most important thing to you. I want it to be the most important thing to you because I don’t want you to have to suffer anymore. Especially from something that is truly irrelevant.

It is something that shouldn’t “be there” in the first place.

Take care.

ill repeat this for the millionth time.

the voices are not your mind, they are titrated, synced to bloodflow and nerve signals using a nono-semi-magnetic transduction system moderated by a computer like technology that is used to cause mass deception..waisting lives, money and families. its sick, believe the doctors to your own detriment.

to fight these fake voices, use your mind, push the sound away, out, and down. with your own mind.

My voices would say all sorts of things some times calling me bisexual and other times they would say I am gay or they want me to be gay. I was so used to hearing my voices say these things I just kind of went with it and said I might be bi even though I have no really interest in same sex. The other thing is meds and my own physical state have made me feel I have a really low sex drive at times which doesn't help. I remember freaking out one day and telling my brother I am not gay and started to attack him because I felt like everyone including him was basically trying to make me gay or calling me it. Also I am 26 years old and have never been in a relationship. Another thing is my voices would always be basically making commentary or egging me on when I would masterbate which bothered me. Most of the time my voice was a male, but I did have a few female voices. One of the voices said they were my girlfriend and worked for the government. If the showed themselves they said I would be poor. Well they never showed themselves and nothing is different in my life except I am a recovering schizophrenic that wants 2-3 years back. I did experience one day during this time period were I actually felt gay and obviously I thought something was wrong with me.

I have struggling with the same issue a little bit over 3 years now.
I was not gay younger. I don't know does my sexuality change or what.
My HOCD is getting very bad. In my mind i think every man wants me and i turn them gay if i talk with them.

the voices arent you, they dont define you. there is no reason to let them turn you gay if your are not. just because they are in your head does not mean they are from you, i would tell you what i think they are, but go read all my posts youll see what i thnk.

This certainly can get better with therapy , sz tends to take advantage of things we fear. Even though the fear is irrational , it doesn't care that much , you fear it , and it will unfortunately sense that. So exploring this fear will certainly help. This is common enough. People with OCD in particular suffer these problems. Fear of being an abuser , sex fiend, a pedophile , you name it , these are common problems. Your brain is a machine if you like and sometimes its just plane weird , not your fault , the price of being alive , you can get over all this....