Roll Call 49

No meds for the past few weeks. they don't need them. I'm seeing clearly this has been bothering me for a while. I know what they're doing, who are they its all gone and fine. Nothing to see here!

I need to use my OCD for something more productive, like art. I am going to start drawing, I bought a book on drawing Pokemon (I know I'm 20 and it's aimed at kids but I don't care). Maybe I can obsess and get really good, I have a tendency to go through phases with things

I think this label is a big fat no to my concerta increase. Oh well.

how is everyone i dont think we r ok

So bored and .. I just want to get the abilify injection, increase my concerta and then get the hell out of this place..

But it's alright. Went swimming this morning went in the hot tub

Hot tubs work really well for my anxiety when I had it.

A hot tub sounds great. Now you just need bubbles!

i thought u were on a depot? maybe u should look into taking ur other AP pills. you sound not ok right now

i finished my homework. i had to write a one page essay on how fruit juices are unhealthy which i agree with so it wasnt that hard. then i had to answer like 50 thousand essay questions jk it was more like 10 essay questions. now i can chillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Seems to be a lot of struggling going on around here. Here's hoping we all feel better soon!

Today hasn't been too good, but I see a lot of others are struggling as well so I guess that's reassuring.

The voices just kinda overrode everything I was thinking, telling me to burn myself and I was just in a really bad spot overrall. Have a big burn on my wrist, hurts like a *****, gotta try to keep it clean and uninfected.

Voices still yelling at me, telling me to kill myself. Music might help.

Today has been rough here too. Paranoia and the voice...same **** different day.

******m.
im a ** up.
my lifes just one *** up peice of ***

I don't even know where to start with you guys tonight....

i just wish i wasnt so useless
and mentally ill
and friendless

you know...my life amounts to nothing right now?

and its all my fault.
thats the worst part.
or maybe the worst part is idk why its my fault.

I feel this way more often than I care to admit. It's not my fault and it's not your fault either.

I'm afraid of socializing cuz I never did that since I was 12.
If I was on MDMA, then yeah sure
But I'm stuck in this brain of nothing and confusion.
Maybe alcohol will help.
I'm gonna drink the soap dispensers
But they're all empty cuz people drink it
So it's just for show to make the place look good
That's what Canadians do but I can see right through their lies

I've never been good at being social, and I started using drugs and alcohol to try to break free from the crippling inability to fit in with those who it seemed to come so easily. All I ever got out of it was a widening depression and a continued desire to be able to function properly without it.

I don't suggest soap dispensers.

Trying to skype with a friend, she understands. Hopefully will distract me from the ****ing voices.

sorry i cussed.
i just...idk.
idk what to think right now.
im having psychosis every night and sometimes day. while juggling my school and trying to live. im pushing myself to my limits while psychotic. idk anyone else that does that!!! and it only makes me more psychotic.

its like im trying to be normal and im not.
but i cant accept that im not.

im always gonna push myself in psychosis and its gonna continue to make me mentally sick.

You don't have to apologize. There is nothing fair about mental illness. You didn't ask for it, you did nothing to cause it. It really deserves to be cursed at.

theres a lot going on here tonight.

i kinda feel bad posting something positive but ummm..i put my tv stand together and it looks cool. but now i need stuff on my walls. but yeah anyway....sorry....

I like the positive posts! Just wish I had one to share lol

I'm craving stuff so badly. My concerta is wearing off and it agitates me to no end. Then from previous night I'll take a prn zyprexa. But it shouldn't have to be that way...

I won't refuse the Invega tomorrow because my psychiatrist says I need to put more trust into him and stop refusing medications. Then I'll up the abilify until the side effects of away because they were going away.

And then the shot because it's like a different personality comes out and stops my meds and the circle goes round and round. I have to get the injection before something bad happens

its snowing and sleeting right now again...

i dont think ill be able to goto my support group tomorrow.