Roll Call 52

I have a book on handwriting analysis, for whatever reason, writing that has a tendency to have a left slant, generally are indicative of negative traits, and vice versa. It's not an exact science, but it is really interesting.

all of a sudden i feel like im living life for nothing.

i mean im talking to a friend about high school. like we have before. but then i start to realize that thinking about im realizing that i think about high school and past people because im still living like im in high school and like im a teenager. because im like waiting for something to happen or someone from high school or me to get known and then be like "oh they made. i knew SOMEONE was gonna make it. i just didnt know who. or if it was gonna be me". im just like waiting for something to happen to someone. im still living like im in high school and idk why.

i dont wish to be in high school.
it was hell.
i dont wish to go back.
it was hell.
why do i live like im still a teenager?
is it because i never got to live like i was one at that time? because i really didnt. i feel like right now im having to grow up yet be able to live rebellious at the same time. yet this is the only time where i feel like i can ACTUALLY be actually both.

i remember that girl from my support group saying she didnt like girls her age because they acted like they were still in high school and i thought well (1) youre 21. you just got out of high school pretty much so expect that. and (2) you would not like me.

hey i try to be responsible here and there but i want to have as much fun as i can before i turn 30 and have to reallllly buckle down on college forreal. but hey idk.

I think you should enjoy every moment you can, and not stop at 30. There's nothing that says you can't have fun and do college.

Hypo orn heading towards full manic should have known when I woke up with the idea that I'm going to be a famous violinist and a violin teacher PLUS a translator PLUS an Art therapist plus my donations will help someone win plus I will save the manatess I feel pressure in my head like crazy

but at a certain point i will have to buckle down because i know that at some point i wont be able to multitaskand i will have to concentrate on 1 think and that will ultimatelt be college.

i was watching the theory of everything and how stephen hawking was sleeping and seeing girls while doing his phd thesis and i was like "i could never do that". i mean idk. i mean yea i struggle to do my freshman 3000 word essay but yea i still have fun in between but im also not doing it while having fun. i procrastinate.

It is going to be one hell of a long night, I didn't see this coming

Ugh let down Was hoping to catch up with a friend tonight but it's not going to happen. Bummer

Yeah, true. Buckling down is important, to concentrate on school. im having trouble articulating what I mean exactly.

I hope you'll feel better soon, Blue_Bird.

Thanks Angelique had a cup of chamomile tea, feeling a little more relaxed but head is still pounding

I have a headache too. Maybe I'll have some chamomile tea also, thank you for the idea!

I'm 74kgs and a woman called me out in the hall that I'm skinny and that I should eat more. But I gained 4kg since I've been here wtf? Then another patient questions me about my eating.

I hate how people call me skinny and that I should eat. because I'm not. I'm healthy. Very healthy. Not binging on my stimulant meds and not eating for 4+ days anymore. If I don't eat, it means I'm not hungry. Simple, means I'll eat later.

I had a six pack since I was a kid and got attention for it that I didn't want. I hated people saying to see it and then congratulate me for doing nothing. Now that I'm gaining weight, my head tells me that I can't be in control of myself as it's a lot easier to say I'm fit than obese to feel safe and not paranoid. It's not in my control. But it's getting hard to be content when people want me to gain weight and I say welp, if I say no then I have an eating disorder so they sure as hell will be all over me then.

Apparently I was 78kg. But now I'm 74kg. 68kg was after I stopped taking the risperidone.

I was content at 70kg. Why can't I be the weight that I prefer instead of downing back hospital food and burn it off by sitting all the time?

It feels irrationally very uncomfortable with "extra fat". Makes me feel like I'm lazy. All my life I was skinny and that's my comfort zone.

The nurses told my doctor that I was drinking ensure calorie shakes as a replacement for food. So what? I wouldn't eat anyways unless I'm actually hungry.

How about I quit smoking cancerous chemicals? Cocaine is safer than that actually a hell of a lot of things are safer. Heroin, maybe meth, you name it. Because I will quit when I'm out of here.

I just wish that OCD wouldn't follow me.

I'm miserable right now. I feel awful and there's nothing I don't dread. Nothing is welcome or any good in my world.

haha classic. I wouldnt dress up either so if i ever go to one I'll think of you! How long ago was it that you went to London?

Hi Neil! I'm up but only because I haven't slept yet. Nice to see you here!

Hi Angelique. Ive just noticed you said you werent feeling well... Hope you feel better soon. what's your weather like? We've just had our first few days of spring and it did wonders for me.

Took trazodone last night, slept wonderfully. It really only helps when I haven't taken it in a long time. Enjoying a cup of coffee right now

Having a sad day. My babies are growing up and I'm struggling with that. Right now my daughter thinks I hang the moon but she's 9 and it won't last much longer. My son is still my little love but again, he's 12 so that won't last much longer either. My life revolves around my kids and I don't know who I am when they don't need me.
I feel the depression creeping up. I don't know why or how since I'm taking an AD already, maybe I need an increase or maybe it's not the right med. I take Prozac, should that be helping with this? Maybe this is just natural progression and I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it. I know I'm older than most people here so I feel like I should know more about my illness than I do. I'm just ****ed in the head right now. I want to feel okay, I'm tired.

I see my pdoc tomorrow...I hope she can help me because I don't see my T for another 2 weeks. I had to cancel my appt yesterday and next week is school vacation so I'm kind of floundering here.

i learned in psychology class that depression/suicide rates are highest in April because of the season change to spring and everything has a new life, regrowth, etc and we humans dont feel that way so it makes us depressed. just a thought. season patterns can affect mood a lot, for me anyway

I hope that's true because it means it's almost over. I am too ****ing sad to deal right now.

I'm going back to bed. Sorry for posting so much negativity, I shouldn't do that.

Always knew i was out of sync with the majority. Dec is the worst for me, once it turns spring it's like someone threw a switch.

Yes the weather is getting milder and I'm very happy about that! Hopefully I'll be able to go outside for short periods soon.