Roll Call 52

Feeling really suicidal rn.

Hearing voices telling me to kill myself.

Mom still making me go to school, she just doesnt understand.

i got good sleep cuz i took an extra ambien. i had to. i cant keep sleeping with a low dosage of ambien and losing sleep. of course that means less ambien later on in the future for me. :/
i just needed sleep

yea april is a big time for suicide.
i can see why.
i dont think ive ever been in the hospital in april tho.
i am usually in the spring or fall.
but i dont think in april per se. i dont remember.

Two years ago in April I was in acute benzo withdrawal, was awake for 10 days straight, hallucinating wildly and psychotic. I was in the hospital at the end of April, beginning of May. What a nightmare it was.

Good morning

Imma see my pdoc and then I'll sleep..

I've been to over 40 pdoc appointments and over 40 therapy sessions since I've been here..

Too much. I just want to sleep now...

My moms in denial about my diagnosis still, I can tell.

why is she?

snap INTO A SLIM JIM!

saw T. it was good. we talked about a lot of things. his group is starting on saturday at 10:30am. i am very nervous but im going to go. i think it helps that T will be there and also we have a session right after the group. im at my friends house then i go to work at 3. i felt depressed yesterday. im feeling ok today not 100% better but im ok. the anniversary of my dads death is coming up, april 30. it will be 18 years.

I've been twice, the most recent time I went was ten years ago. Sniffle! I love England. I need to go back to visit Statford upon Avon.

I don't know.

I can't function in high school yet she still makes me go even though it worsens my symptoms.

My uncle has schizophrenia but is super high functioning, got a masters degree and everything.

She expects me to be like him or better.

I'm sorry. have you talked to your doc about it? Maybe if there is an open dialogue about it with her it might help. Don't give up, and dont give in to the voices, we're here for ya.

i'll talk to my doc about it, but he seems to have the same view on it as she does from what I've seen.

Apparently I'm high functioning, don't feel like it though.

That woman that kept staring at me and wanting to talk with me said that she was trying to find me and said "Because I love you" she eventually said so I walked away to get coffee and didn't come back to the smoke pit. An hour before, she said that I look good and I said she looks good too.

It was the same girl that my room mate kissed etc

She talked about her boyfriend getting shot 3 times and is in hospital.

Now I realize.. maybe she's a bit broken because of that and needs comfort? Her bf is 27. She told me that she has paranoid schizophrenia. I then said that I have disorganized schizophrenia so I had an excuse to not understand the weird things that she was saying without being rude. So we talked about having special powers but I said it logically. I said there is no such things as ghosts or telepathy.

I'm 18 and she's like 30 and I don't do relationships so ya..

Anyways..

I had a very dull appointment with my psychiatrist and talked about negative symptoms but then I raised the idea that I'm just having a bad day which normally causes negative symptoms in people but I'm told that it could be the injection wearing off because I'm due to get the 400mg Abilify injection today.

Slept most of the day...feeling a little better.

My father is still in denial about my diagnosis as well. He always will be. He cannot accept that I am not the "perfect" daughter he wanted. Well, **** him.

I don't know why people in psych wards think that it's a good place to start a relationship with someone in... I've been hit on every single time I've been hospitalized. It's irritating though I'm not above stringing them along for my own amusement!

I can't wait for the kids to get home. The house is so lonely without them. Usually the dogs make pretty good company but they are all lazy and sleeping today lol.

The first time I was hospitalized there was a guy there that had been kicked out of his halfway house for hitting on the staff. He hit on every woman under 50...to the point of wagging his junk whenever you walked by his door. People are strange.

Horrible day at school

sorry to hear :/

there was a guy at one hospital that would stand in front of the windows and masturbate

Yeah ill just have to deal with it I guess

Oh how therapeutic

Well isn't that attractive...

Damn it newtus now I want a Slim Jim! HAHAHA.