Roll Call 53

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 05:48 PM

i can hear the echos of my thoughts in my head. is that voices? like voices are repeating my thoughts or something.

i feel stressed out right now from school and everything.

Sometimes psychotic · Apr 28, 2015, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

i can hear the echos of my thoughts in my head. is that voices? like voices are repeating my thoughts or something.

Yeah it's actually called thought Echo and used to be schneiderian first rank symptom in the dsm iv.....

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Yeah it's actually called thought Echo and used to be schneiderian first rank symptom in the dsm iv.....

man ive forgotten some things from the dsm. i need a tune up. thanks sp.

now i feel dumb.

but wow.
im scared right now. like i should really be in the hospital right now and im not. idk how i keep going. im trying to not think about the hospital. i AM SO GLAD i am taking my meds. im actually gonna take more.

there is NOW WAY im going to the hospital. like IM NOT going. i dont wanna go. i really dont. i wanna cry thinking about it. like i just dont wanna go. it would literally ruin my life.

i really wanna breakdown right now.

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 05:57 PM

i see my therapist tomorrow. thank god.

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 06:04 PM

this is all my fault isnt it?
i cant live with this demon on my back anymore.

the fact that im not taking my antipsychotic how im supposed to. not taking all of it. but at the same time i am pretty physically healthy.

i am going to slowly increase my medication to 10mg over the next week.

i believe god is punishing me.

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 06:15 PM

you guys...i just been fighting this religious battle for a few months now and i feel like god has been punishing me. like he put me as a captain but im like daniel or judas. one of the 12 disciples. and without trying to sound all religious-y i just dont want to be defeated by demons ok?

edit//
i took some haldol.
now if i can just get through this.
if i can just simulate what they would do at the hospital. ill be fine. you know? cuz they cant do much more than give me meds and a bed and food. you know?

Sometimes psychotic · Apr 28, 2015, 06:38 PM

Newtus you said before you also liked the social contact at the good hospital so try to simulate that as much as you can....

And don't worry about forgetting the dsm iv they took all of that out of the dsm 5

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Newtus you said before you also liked the social contact at the good hospital so try to simulate that as much as you can....

And don't worry about forgetting the dsm iv they took all of that out of the dsm 5

oh they did? i forgot about that too. cuz i read that they did that when they were making the dsm 5. they they did away with the schneiderian rank symptoms i believe.

yea i tell you what tho i think i was right about about being alone and in this house/my room. like ive been confined to my room alone now since...gosh...idk...for 24 hours straight now. ive only left to use the bathroom and get the mail. right now i took a walk walk outside and walked in circles on my porch mumbling to myself. i didnt realize i was doing that til i caught myself. like i dont wanna be here and be here alone.

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 06:57 PM

it feels like this mini episode just started when i started to start my school work and got stressed out by all the work i had to do in a short period of time. one thing i dont have to do...its just extra credit...i was just gonna do it to get extra credit. im actually on time with everything. i havent procrastinated. im just stressed and LONELY. and i didnt get sleep much last night. had to wake up early. for nothing actually. was supposed to goto the movies with my mom and woke up at 7am for it but she canceled on me. and i couldve gotten an extra two hours of sleep probably.

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 07:03 PM

the sad thing is my beliefs arent delusional either. they are very much real. which makes everything so much worse. im just like crying yet trying not to at the same time. and its not working.

thank you SometimesP

ofthevalley · Apr 28, 2015, 07:12 PM

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Apr 28, 2015, 07:20 PM

More cogentin because the tremors are bad

I'm so confused.

Maybe another year of upgrading my high school marks and then what.. I want to live a good life..

Maybe I should go back to welding idk I can't after being there it makes me homicidal.. I had two good opportunities but I don't want to go into the trades.

I want to go far in life for what I think and to me that takes studying lots which means that i need to be ok and content or at least know that there is such thing as euphoria to turn back to when I forget to get started on giving a crap about me. People force me to care about myself which isn't good.

Apr 28, 2015, 07:47 PM

I'm going to just do what I normally do.. Avoid people and walk alone smoking a cigarette. Screw this too.

I will be drifting through life without further notice.

Blue_Bird · Apr 28, 2015, 07:50 PM

Hope everyone feels better

newtus · Apr 28, 2015, 07:51 PM

i feel more relaxed after 1mg xanax and 5mg haldol.
paranoia is still there and fear is still there a bit but anxiety seems to be minimal.

Apr 28, 2015, 08:23 PM

Delusion or something of taking psychoactive stimulants I think it helps me.

I had no faith.. But I tried to call again anyways because that's how I am. I do things anyways. Mostly that I'm losing my mind and might do something stupid out of cabin fever.. He answered and it didn't go to voice mail this time.

Mosquitoes.. They want my blood without asking.

Door2015 · Apr 28, 2015, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 0dysseus

Anhedonia is something I fear. My psychiatrist was left saying nothing after I told him how horrible it was. My only escape was alcohol. Waking in the morning wanting to feel SOMETHING was so addictive. What's the point of life if there are only sour moments, never sweet content feelings ever again??

If they treat that as though its just an unfortunate side effect then **** them. Take away all my creativity, take away all beauty and just live in a mechanical world that life isn't worth living.

I'd rather be on the brink of suicide than to never experience those transcendental moments in life where im at awe, feeling my heart beat, looking out the window thinking about art or beautyl

Quotes from the Hogfather, by Terry Pratchett:

Susan: Now... tell me...
Death: What would have happened if you hadn't saved him?
Susan: Yes.
Death: The sun would not have risen.
Susan: Then what would have happened?
Death: A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world.

ofthevalley · Apr 28, 2015, 09:01 PM

Hope everyone has a better tomorrow.

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junkDNA · Apr 28, 2015, 09:07 PM

i just texted my landlord bc the mom and her kid above me are running around upstairs and its hella loud. i told him normally i would just get over it but its that bad. he said he will message her and he totally understands. im glad i have a cool landlord. i understand there will be noise, but running around at 10pm? not cool, have some respect

Apr 28, 2015, 09:29 PM

He has no money atm which means that I'll have to drive and meet up half way across Alberta and I don't even have my drivers license yet so that's a good thing. Also, it will give me motivation to get my drivers license.

See Tweaky has it all under control and planned out.

Sssh.. Ssh.. *makes Door sniff a cloth of chloroform. sshhh ssssshhhhhh it's ok it's ok sssh... There we go.. There we go.. Calm down.. Sshsss. Calmmm... Yes.. Good good*.

*Tries CPR - heart stops because it was already beating..*

Rip Door.

*Tweaky falls down the stairs*

Rip Tweaky.

God - wtf.. Oops.. Soz I wasn't paying attention. Ok fine I'm a sadistic *

Door2015 · Apr 28, 2015, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyperagitate

He has no money atm which means that I'll have to drive and meet up half way across Alberta and I don't even have my drivers license yet so that's a good thing. Also, it will give me motivation to get my drivers license.

See Tweaky has it all under control and planned out.

Sssh.. Ssh.. *makes Door sniff a cloth of chloroform. sshhh ssssshhhhhh it's ok it's ok sssh... There we go.. There we go.. Calm down.. Sshsss. Calmmm... Yes.. Good good*.

*Tries CPR - heart stops because it was already beating..*

Rip Door.

*Tweaky falls down the stairs*

Rip Tweaky.

God - wtf.. Oops.. Soz I wasn't paying attention. Ok fine I'm a sadistic *

I appreciate that you chloroformed me at least!

junkDNA · Apr 28, 2015, 10:16 PM

so glad my landlord is understanding and cool. wayyy better than my last landlord!

Apr 29, 2015, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Door2015

Quotes from the Hogfather, by Terry Pratchett:

Susan: Now... tell me...
Death: What would have happened if you hadn't saved him?
Susan: Yes.
Death: The sun would not have risen.
Susan: Then what would have happened?
Death: A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world.

There's room for interpretation here since it's art, but yes. That is how I am seeing the world. It's like I'm going through a world of wondering on wondering, instead of going through a world of wondering wondering. One being an anylitical endeavor, the other being a playful endeavor.

It's like going through a world with a Darwinian lens instead of a romanticist viewpoint, which my signature reflects beautifully.

Thanks Door. That was awesome

Blue_Bird · Apr 29, 2015, 07:02 AM

Good morning! Doctor appointment in a little while to get refills on my allergy meds.

Apr 29, 2015, 08:42 AM

My anxiety is relentless. It just keeps getting worse and worse even though I took two klonopins. That and I'm getting a flood of past horrifying memories, mistakes and the humiliation that won't go away. This is not a good morning.

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