Safe Place

I don't really think so. I'm just having a really bad day. Otherwise I've been pretty even. I don't know I'm out of it today.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Do you think it's work? If so, plus side it's Friday

When my mom died I wanted to go with her. The same day she died I took all of her meds (OxyContin,fentanyl patches, liquid morphine) to the cancer center because I was afraid I'd take them all and kill myself. I still have days when the urge to be with her is strong but it's not overwhelming anymore. I know she would want me to go on and raise my kids and live life. I'm sure your mom wants the same for you. I know how hard it is and how desperate it can maake. You feel. I promise that it gets easier. It's so fresh for you right now. I think those feelings are normal. You have so much going for you. Your mom ewouldnt want you tio give up. you can make it through this.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So, something is definitely off...

Continuing on from what I said recently, I definitely feel something is holding me back. My mood seems very variable at the moment, going between happy/motivated to jaded with some anxiety creeping in at times.

Then add to that this morning I've noticed myself getting suspicious of people's intentions. Like I'm seeing people acting a certain way, thinking they are ignoring me & beginning to suspect some wider sort of collaboration of people working against me. Along similar themes to what I've had in the past... (not here I might add!)

I don't think it's sudden. I've had a few instances where I've thought people are ignoring me. Nothing particularly unusual thinking that from time to time, but I seem to be filling in gaps with motives etc.

Now my brain just seems to be stuck in this mode of trying to figure out what is going on. Like there is something, but I can't quite grasp it. And my voices are saying things that I am starting to wonder whether they might be true.

Going back to what I said about isolating a bit at Christmas, I've seen more of that going on. My friend tried calling the other day but I didn't answer because I didn't want to talk. And there have been a couple of instances over the last few days where my parents have called & I just sort of say as little as I can, pretty much not wanting to talk & wanting to put the phone down.

I think particularly this morning a couple of things might have set me off, but they weren't anything that should have. I know that too, but I can't help but ruminate on these thoughts.

I guess it's a good thing I have an appointment with my p-doc on Wednesday. I don't really know what all this is stemming from... I'm not overly anxious, there my be some elements of anhedonia but nothing major (plus as I said, I'm happy at times)... it's hard to put a finger on.

Hi Loial, have you ever felt like this before? It could just be a phase where you want to hibernate a little socially? Maybe seasonal affective disorder?

I'm glad you'll be seeing your Pdoc hopefully they can help you figure out what's going on.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The only time I've "hibernate(d) a little socially" is at time when I have been more symptomatic. Never had any issues outwith that.

I don't think it's SAD. I mean I've been fine largely speaking over the past couple of months plus it comes, and goes... Most the time I'm fine but I just keep getting these periods of feeling jaded. They never last longer than an afternoon, or evening or whatever.

It's just kinda noticeable that I'm having these fluctuations in my mood. Yet nothing seems pronounced enough to point towards anything...

It might only be that you're getting older. I've gone through all kinds of cynicism and open and closed types of changes. It can be surprising for more stable people, maybe. I think you're definitely more of a stable type than I am. But I agree with ofthevalley, it will be helpful to see what your pdoc says.

the real question here loial is what is your attitude to going back on meds because that's probably what the pdoc is going to ask you. if youre having a range of symptoms albeit in low degrees, meds are prob the best action. my abilify keeps my mood and positive symtoms in check. As my anxiety has kicked up recently its allowed paranoia to sneak in and i havent been paranoid in ages. I def think my anxiety should have gone down by now. im due to see my new pdoc for the first time and ive already resigned myself to go up from 10mg to 15 or 20 (i dont know if they do 15?). As im having a range of symptoms it just makes sense to me to try that and hopefully i wont pick up any more side effects.

If your determined to stay off meds, and who wouldnt be if they can get away with it, are you willing to try the cbt and therapy stuff? i think by posting these issues you already know something needs to be done about it before it gets out of control and thats where i feel where mine is headed.

Yes, I have considered that.

Generally speaking, I seem to be quite sensitive to meds... unless my symptoms are distressing or stopping me from functioning properly... then it's probably not worth it.

I mean, I was o-k on a low dose of risperidone but it still ate away at my motivation & made me sleep more. I've just got back into some semblance of normality, so I'd rather not go back to that unless absolutely necessary.

Having said that, I wouldn't let things slide too much. I've always tended to have quite good insight apart from my first acute episode, so that shouldn't be an issue.

I sort of feel that perhaps something else is causing more symptoms to breakthrough at the moment. I'm just not sure what. We'll see what the p-doc says.

Just had a pretty bleak hour or so but now my mood is better again. Weird.

If therapy is an option, then sure I'd do it...

...

Sorry you are getting some paranoia again. I guess these things happen. I believe Abilify does come in 15mg tablets, but even if not.. you could take a 10 & 5.

Hopefully that'll help reel things in for you though.

Loial werent you offered therapy your first time around?

Nope.

I did talk therapy for my anxiety though.

You should get onto your psychiatrist about seeing a psychologist. All a psychiatrist is going to do is prescribe you meds. Though the waiting lists can be long depending on your area.

I guess there has just never been cause in general. Meds have taken away everything bar voices, and any **** I've had to deal with was just side effects of APs, so not much to do there.

Remains to be seen what to make of any worsening of my symptoms though. I feel fine now... although I've no doubt they'll creep back again tomorrow or the next day. Not particularly noticed any pattern though.

Will certainly keep it in mind though.

this is supposed to be the safe place right?

well...i think im still in a depression. im not sure. but its slowly turning me suicidal. everything in my life. from school, to being alone, to my providers being changed, etc.

i wish my dad would quit his job. looking back on the week and half he had off i had so much fun. i dont want to be alone anymore. i cant.

im also not succeeding in school.

i get stressed out easily.

i dont know what to do to fix it. ive been drinking and gambling lately.

i dont know what else to say.
hopefully someone will read this.

Do you think taking a different ad might help?

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

im gonna ask for one. ive never had an AD that worked. unfortunately i dont see my pdoc for another few weeks.

im starting to get really down. i cant even cry. i wish i could almost. i have a feeling its starting to effect me physically.

everyones sick of hearing about it. im sick of living with it. i feel like i need to be in the hospital but hospital is not an option for me with everything i have going on right now. i cant just drop everything and go. i cant even afford it. even if i go my problems will just be waiting for me when i come back. if nothing is going to change then why go?

i seemingly need to figure everything out on my own yet im stressing myself out to. i virtually have no help.

Newtus

Can't you use that towards your current symptoms? CBT is CBT, right?

If not, def get on a waiting list ASAP. Do you have IAPT in Scotland? That might be able to nip this in the bud for you quickly, because anything else for more serious issues would take months-year of waiting/not happen on the NHS.

*Willow*

I feel the same way about inpatient. But weirdly, I think at this point I might not mind as much. I don't know.

Your problems with your parents might be the same after coming home, but maybe the therapy there could help you with decision making? Or get you stable on an ad? Just typing my thoughts.

thats what upsets me.
i had a really good therapist and we were making progress bit by bit now i have a different one.

ugh.
ill ask the doctor about an AD

What about maybe a CBT or DBT IOP?

i didnt think about iop.

the reason i even suggest hospital was because i need a whole med change.

That might be a good idea. You've gotten a lot better since I first met you here, but maybe you could use an ad mixed in. Hospital would be good for that.