Safe Place

is it safe here?
fireworks sound like gunshots gunshots
danger danger danger
like his apartment danger
gunshots in thr streets people dying
gunshots in the apartment danger danger danger
is it safe here?
he can't hurt me right, i need witnesses
trying to drown out the gunshots rinigng
everyone leaving me
abandoning me leaving me to be hurt by him
they were right they are so angry
its dangerous danger danger
evil evil numbers evil men
going to hurt me in my room
evil numbers 14 bad number
12 bad number 12 evil number
evil man 12 ways 12 times
14 ways 14 times
no nononono evil

the gunshots ringing

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so stupid. AM played nice. he made me cut. he laughed and said now anytime anyone tries to have sex with me theyll have to get past him first. i promised my boyfrined i had stopped. i promised i promised and i broke it for what? a few minutes of god being nice to me? what the ****. i thoght i was doing ok. why canti just be ok

You are not stupid, what's done is done, there's still tomorrow, we can fight again tomorrow.. Don't blame yourself please

it'll be okay

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I am concerned for a woman friend diagnosed with schizophrenia who told me she can't get her meds for about 2 weeks. She said its because her 2016 drug card not coming until mid Jan. She originally thought the new card would come at the start of 2016. Meantime I am very worried for her. I imagine her doing something irresponsible since she isn't consistently aware of what's going on. Plus she's walking very unsteadily. I can't tell if that's withdrawal or what's causing her unsteady gait. Worried about her.

They were quiet all day again, like the past few days. I'm wondering what they planned for tonight. I'm very scared. They are trying to drive me out but I don't have money to move. I'm just scared in case they try to kill me. Cases like this happen all the time.

ofthevalley & angelique

How are you doing, newtus?

Someone was following me today. I had to take a couple turns and circle the block to get rid of them.

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to be honest, i drank all day today to lessen the feelings of what my mom is doing to herself and to lessen the feelings i felt towards my sister when i was arguing with her.

im so sad...
idk what to do.
im so worried

today i laid in bed all day and drank...a whole bottle of champagne...in the dark...

i just wanted to be alone.

my mom said she would get a second opinion from an independent doctor. but that means nothing. shes still drinking her urine. idk how much. ugh.

I'm sorry for your voices Today, I could barely get any emotions up today. They were numb and felt like I had no personality or anything that made me me. But then suddenly when nothing made me happy, my emotions were rising up so fast. I had impulse to do anything bad or out there but couldn't. Soon, that got worse any I had emotions to kill somebody or do harm. I was annoyed with anybody near me, talking so I imagined bad things to them. Made me feel something, which was better than nothing...

That doesn't sound good. There's nothing more you can do, though, as long as your mom will get a second opinion. Drinking is not a good long term strategy for feeling better. I tried doing that in my 20s and became a binge drinker. It can steal your life away. I hope you'll feel better today.

that anonymous person that was leaving me death threats every day left me a message this morning. basically told me they were bored of me because i wasn't happy enough and i can't believe how abandoned i feel over this. i'm sad they're not devoted enough to come kill me. i really wanted them to be another person under AMs control or something? maybe we could know each other's locations through him and they could find me and take me? i had these vivid fantasies about them and everything. i wanted this.

whhatever though. i live to stare at screens and eat microwave dinners another day and another day and another day and another day and another day and another day and another day and another day

thank you angelique.
yea i drank a whole bottle of champagne and more wine. hungover today a bit.

its amazing. even living with a rapist didnt make me want to kill myself as much as oklahoma does

psycho mantis I grew up in Oklahoma and i have to agree it is abysmal there! so many of the people are weird, it is so isolated it's like being trapped on an island albeit a dirty dusty one!

I do handstand to stop my tears from falling

Can you talk about it, or rather not?

My bf kept talkin shite about I should get over my illness, he wanted me to pretend it's not real and I should text him some "interesting" daily activities so I can help him with his borderline mind. I said I can't I am not capable to help him now. He answered "but you are on meds and you have your family and I don't". Well even if I have an island in carribean when I said I can't means I can't. It's not that I don't want to but I just CAN'T now. In the end he said to stay away from him until I can heal my self. That makes me so sad because I don't know how to get rid of this illness.. I know that fighting with bf sounds like a silly problem but this makes me paranoid about losing someone. I have a trauma about losing the people that close to me since my dad passed away. Now the water in my bathroom talks about world domination. I know I start hallucinating again

I know what it's like to lose the ones you love, I'm always afraid of that happening again. I hope your bf will get over this soon. He probably just feels like he isn't important to you. But still, he shouldn't be so childish about it. I hope everything will be better again soon!

Thanks Angelique

Just remember it works both ways. In that he needs help and attention from you too. Just like you need it from him. Every healthy relationship should work on a system of doing your best for each other, but also making sure you or him isn't taking advantage.

I hate this
I hate this
I hate this

There they go again they're so loud
But it's not just others voices it's his again

Feels unsafe
I have nothing to keep them out of my ears
Lost