i feel messed up & very damaged from everything that has gone on. i find it impossible to try & let go of & accept the past more & way everything is.

i've tried & done everything i can to heal & recover from everything. i used a lot of drink/drugs in the past & also had a lot of very severe psychosis. First episode was at the age of 17, & i had a very bad experience of being forced sectioned & forced drugs on a locked ward for 4 months - i was very heavily medicated. At the time when i was released, i went into full time work for a few years before another major episode/breakdown, that ended in a severe suicide attempt & another hospitalisation.

Age 25 i was again hospitalised & placed on a very high dose of neuroleptic medication, which i stopped after a year cold turkey & again resulted in another section & hospital stay.

In total i was hospitalised 4 times.

The past 13 years i've been following a path of sobriety & exploring everything i can in regards to healing. The first 3 years of sobriety i stopped the medication twice & had a lot of very severe psychosis. For the past 10 years i have maintained a low dose of the neuroleptic medication - i'm too scared of what would would happen if i stopped it again.

i haven't been able to stop smoking tobacco, & feel very heavily addicted to it. i need to try & exercise more but am very lacking in motivation. My overall functioning has been very effected & i have very low motivation. i've not been well enough to work for 13 years, & it's a job to maintain the stability i have & independent living.

i feel very abused/damaged by the psychiatric system, & i don't feel they have been much help. i find this society largely very uncaring & not very understanding with it all.

i've not had the worst of lives, but things have also been very difficult. Family dynamics have been hard & 'dysfunctional'.

i suppose it's a case of plodding on as best as possible.

[costello]

I'm sorry you've had all these challenges and are still having them. To me you seem like a really smart and interesting person. I wish I could talk to you in person.

I don't know what all you've tried on your path to healing, but I wonder if you've tried just accepting certain things instead of struggling against them. I mean, for example, the smoking and the exercise thing. Can you just accept that you smoke and don't exercise without judging yourself or telling yourself you should do this or that?

You've achieve stability. Now you just need some inner peace IMO.

Originally Posted by costello

I'm sorry you've had all these challenges and are still having them. To me you seem like a really smart and interesting person. I wish I could talk to you in person.

I don't know what all you've tried on your path to healing, but I wonder if you've tried just accepting certain things instead of struggling against them. I mean, for example, the smoking and the exercise thing. Can you just accept that you smoke and don't exercise without judging yourself or telling yourself you should do this or that?

You've achieve stability. Now you just need some inner peace IMO.

Thanks Costello, that is kind of you. i find the acceptance so hard. i find this World so difficult. i've had a fear & anxiety, ever since a kid, that i feel very physically in my chest - it's always there, sometimes it's not as bad as other times - i don't know how to resolve it?

All the healers haven't really worked, despite some progress.

For all my criticism of society, the mental health system & psychiatry, the medication does work to a degree, & the diagnosis does seem to fit. i'm maybe looking for things for which there is no answer or resolution.

i'm in the UK, & the conservatives have been voted in for another 5 years. They are going to make another 12 billion in cuts to the welfare system. It worries me. i'm dependent on benefits. It's been very hard as it is within the current climate. The social attitudes to mental health in the UK are terrible.

i'm a worrier anyway. Not really anything that i can do about everything, other than carry on as best i can.

Apotheosis

I too am terrified of another 5 years of Conservative power, especially unmoderated by a coalition. I am dependent on benefits too and currently attempting to transition from DLA to PIP, so I really do understand your fears because I have them too.

With regards to your other struggles, I can also relate to finding acceptance hard. I keep getting stuck on acceptance meaning it was/is ok, when it wasn't and it still isn't. Perhaps another way of looking at the past and interpreting acceptance is that x,y,z happened, it wasn't ok, but it happened and that can't be undone, but it can be moved on from?

An interesting TED talk I happened to come across yesterday by Andrew Solomon is related to this topic, if you are interested?

Andrew Solomon: How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are | Talk Video | TED.com

For me, what was helpful was to acknowledge the limitations of my parents and to realise that they did the best that they could at the time in a crappy situation. My parents weren't deliberately abusive though, which is probably harder to forgive, but oftentimes a lot of abusive people were themselves abused (which doesn't make what they did ok at all, but can help to explain things). What happened to me wasn't ok, but it happened and my family can't go back and put that right, but I've accepted that it happened and I'm trying to move on from that.

With regards to my present symptoms and disability: again, I struggle to accept that it is ok, because it really does not feel ok but, if I try, I can see how it has made me a better person (more empathetic and open minded etc) and I'm trying to 'forge meaning and build identity' as Soloman said in that talk. I'm trying to learn to like who I am, and a big part of that has been shaped by my experiences over the last 8 years. In an ideal world, I would like to struggle less and I want to work and have a family of my own, but I wouldn't want to unlearn the important lessons in empathy and finding my strength in coping with this crap with very little support from professionals, and in many cases with added abuse from them, and so that helps me think that the mental stuff can't be all bad.

I hope that some of this is helpful. It is very much still a work in progress for me, but I can see the value in forging meaning from all of this. It won't change what happened, but I believe that it will change my attitude to the past, present and future, and better able me to move forward in life in a way that I value.

All the best

*Willow*

Thank you Willow - i shall look at the talk.

I can't speak of your welfare issues in the system, and I've only been hospitalized once after one year of a nightmare of a psychosis. I have trouble letting go of the past sometimes too. What helps me is to find or create a narrative, a book that makes you see things a little different. As long as man acts he errs. The story must go on. You seemed to react well to a different Faust passage. This one resonated with me during my psychosis.

It's after Margaret commits infanticide and the community condemns this poor 15 year old girl for it, and sentences her to death. Here she is, in the dungeon where Faust breaks in and tries to break her from her shackles. However, the prison is in her head, that she cannot escape. Faust says take one step out of here but she can't take that step outside of her guilt and shame. That's what ultimately kills her.

Faust's words: Let the past be past.

These words coming from one of thee greatest writers ever, western civilization's last polymath, meant a lot to me.

http://www.amazon.com/Faust-Johann-W...ds=faust+kline This is the best translation out of the four that I've read.

Margaret: You’ll loose the chains,
And take me to your breast, again.
How is it you don’t shrink from me?
Do you know, friend, whom you free? 4505
Faust: Come! Come! The night will soon be over.
Margaret: I’ve killed my mother,
I’ve drowned my child.
Was it not given to you and I?
You too. - You here! I scarce believe. 4510
Give me your hand! This is no dream.
Your dear hand! – Ah, but it’s damp!
Wipe it clean! Why do I think,
It has blood on.
Ah God! What have you done? 4515
Put your sword away,
I beg you, please!
Faust: Let past be past I say!
You’re destroying me!
Margaret: No you must live on: must do. 4520
I’ll describe our graves to you.
You must begin them
This very dawn:
The best one is for my mother,
Then, by her, my brother, 4525
Myself, a little further, lay,
But not too far away!
And the little one, at my right breast.
No one else by me will lie! –
Ah, to nestle at your side, 4530
That was a sweet, a darling bliss!
But no more will I achieve it:
It’s as if I must force you to it,
As if you turn aside my kiss:
And yet it’s you, so good, so sweet to see! 4535
Faust: You know it is, so come with me!
Margaret: Out there?
Faust: To Freedom.
Margaret: If the grave is there,
Death waiting, then I come!
From here to everlasting rest, 4540
And not a step further would
You go now? O Heinrich, if I could!
Faust: You can! Just will it! The door is open!
Margaret: I dare not: there’s no hope for me then. What use is flight? They lie in wait for me. 4545
To be forced to beg is a bitter existence,
And cursed too with an evil conscience!
To wander among strangers, bitter,
And even then I’d still be captured!
Faust: I’ll stay beside you. 4550
Margaret: Quickly! Quickly!
Save my poor baby!
Away! Down the ridge,
Now, by the brook,
Over the bridge, 4555
Into the wood,
Left, where the plank is,
There, in the pool.
Seize it now: you!
It’s trying to rise, 4560
It’s moving still!
Save it! Save it!
Faust: Be sensible!
Only one step, and then you’re free!

Originally Posted by 0dysseus

It's after Margaret commits infanticide and the community condemns this poor 15 year old girl for it, and sentences her to death. Here she is, in the dungeon where Faust breaks in and tries to break her from her shackles. However, the prison is in her head, that she cannot escape. Faust says take one step out of here but she can't take that step outside of her guilt and shame. That's what ultimately kills her.

Faust's words: Let the past be past.

These words coming from one of thee greatest writers ever, western civilization's last polymath, meant a lot to me.

Thank you. i'm familiar with the story. Have ordered a copy of the book.

I feel damaged too. The only thing that I feel will save me is if I create something so beautiful that it redeems me...

By surrounding ourselves around beautiful things I think it uplifts and elevates us. Through the lives and examples of greatness we ourselves become greater.

One of Newtus' music recommendations had a song I loved. It was about climbing their towers and shinning our beacon of brightness. It was from the music group Listeners.

That's how I feel anyway. It's a little sad but there is hope, and beauty has the power to arrest people and open their minds. It molds thought, molds mind. Hoping that it too molds understanding.

Hope it gets better.

[klaatubaradanicto]

I don't get the feeling anything could really damage you. In fact you seem to have a lot of awareness of what has happened and a lot of insight. You've taken some incredibly helpful steps such as getting away from street drugs. There are not too many people who can do this. You did it. I don't call that damaged. You've achieved some really incredible things. You have a right to be very proud of what you have accomplished.

I honestly think medication helps with schizophrenia. I've spent many years around people with schizophrenia. I know it's very unpopular to say, but I've seen that in general, people who stick with medication do better.

I mean with things that really count - being independent, having more control over what goes on in one's life, staying out of the hospital, and being able to do more of the things one wants to do in life. To me, independence and self determination are key. Without medication, the illness controls you instead of you controlling it.

The trouble is, it's not easy to find a responsive doctor who communicates well. That's where quality care comes from. It's not easy to find decent health insurance either. Health insurance companies can be particularly cheap and provide poor quality care.

I think it's very hard to accept a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and to stick with medication. It's not a smooth and easy task.

If you feel that you can accept a smaller dose that's not ideal, but it's still going to help you get through each day and do the things you need and want to do.

Originally Posted by Apotheosis

i feel messed up & very damaged from everything that has gone on. i find it impossible to try & let go of & accept the past more & way everything is.

i've tried & done everything i can to heal & recover from everything. i used a lot of drink/drugs in the past & also had a lot of very severe psychosis. First episode was at the age of 17, & i had a very bad experience of being forced sectioned & forced drugs on a locked ward for 4 months - i was very heavily medicated. At the time when i was released, i went into full time work for a few years before another major episode/breakdown, that ended in a severe suicide attempt & another hospitalisation.

Age 25 i was again hospitalised & placed on a very high dose of neuroleptic medication, which i stopped after a year cold turkey & again resulted in another section & hospital stay.

In total i was hospitalised 4 times.

The past 13 years i've been following a path of sobriety & exploring everything i can in regards to healing. The first 3 years of sobriety i stopped the medication twice & had a lot of very severe psychosis. For the past 10 years i have maintained a low dose of the neuroleptic medication - i'm too scared of what would would happen if i stopped it again.

i haven't been able to stop smoking tobacco, & feel very heavily addicted to it. i need to try & exercise more but am very lacking in motivation. My overall functioning has been very effected & i have very low motivation. i've not been well enough to work for 13 years, & it's a job to maintain the stability i have & independent living.

i feel very abused/damaged by the psychiatric system, & i don't feel they have been much help. i find this society largely very uncaring & not very understanding with it all.

i've not had the worst of lives, but things have also been very difficult. Family dynamics have been hard & 'dysfunctional'.

i suppose it's a case of plodding on as best as possible.

Originally Posted by klaatubaradanicto

I don't get the feeling anything could really damage you. In fact you seem to have a lot of awareness of what has happened and a lot of insight. You've taken some incredibly helpful steps such as getting away from street drugs. There are not too many people who can do this. You did it. I don't call that damaged. You've achieved some really incredible things. You have a right to be very proud of what you have accomplished.

I honestly think medication helps with schizophrenia. I've spent many years around people with schizophrenia. I know it's very unpopular to say, but I've seen that in general, people who stick with medication do better.

Hi, thank you for the reply. i feel there is still a lot of unresolved stuff from the first episode of psychosis & hospitalisation. It plays on my mind a lot & has done for the past 25 years. i still get a lot of anxiety & fear, & i can't seem to do any more than i am doing, in maintaining sobriety & independent living.

After a lot of research, consideration & contemplation, i do agree that a wise use of medication is helpful in cases of severe schizophrenia.

i'm also very much of the view that far more could be done to understand, help & support people with far more comprehensive psychosocial approaches of care, & maybe if that was provided far more people would make a much fuller recovery & healing. Things seem very individual & complex.

Have been getting increasingly severe bouts of anxiety/fear. Finding it hard to cope.

Am considering going back to the Doctor & increasing the medication again, from 300mg Amisulpride to 400mg. Am Not sure what other options there really are?