Roll Call 61

That stuff where they pump gel into the rock chips works really well for my mom. It prevents it from cracking any further. She had three and it was pretty cheap I think.

She speeds all the time. 2k speeding tickets before moving away from Canada for over 6 years where they clear her name. No criminal record or anything. Very quick to pass the Canada-US border.

Lmao I took my 6mg of Cogentin daily coming back into Canada and I was told to take off my glasses and my pupils were massive. I thought that was it lol "Step out of the car please" is what I was expecting to hear but I guess they're looking for signs of opiate abuse which means my pupils would be small.

Only 50 pills of codeine allowed in the states because it's legal in Canada to just buy T1's over the counter. I did once but my body can't convert it into morphine. My mom needs aspirin and codeine cuz of her heart condition and they could have taken it away from her.

I guess they don't care about stimulant abuse. I mean like America was heavy in the bath salts era and prescribe meth to some kids with severe ADHD while Canada is like ya.. No we'll buy it from America if the person really needs it..

My moms heart condition is getting worse and the leaky valve is starting to back flow. My great aunt is going to die in a few days because she waited to get the operation at 75. She got an infection and they can't control it. She's swelling up and her organs are shutting down which means the body is giving up. My grandfather died of a stroke because he has the same condition and didn't take his meds. My grandmother is a JW and wouldn't drive him to the hospital while it was in the jugular vein until it was too late for my dad to give permission for a blood thinner. The blood clot went into the brain.

So ya I'm a bit scared but I'm sure everything will be ok. My mom is very healthy. Worst time to have OCD though.

I might have to have back surgery. I'm nervous.

im sick of being alone in this house all the time

now my moms pushing me to see another medical doctor. she says this one im seeing isnt right for me and makes a lot of mistakes. shes basing this on past family reasons and things people who have seen this doctor have said to her about him. idk what to do. i only have so many choices with medicare.

It's hot as hell outside. Took a shower to cool off

my mom said "sorry your so lonely. what can you do for yourself right now?" i said "i dont know"

she said all i hear is "im effin lazy"

i said "im not gonna let you talk to me like that"

she said "oh so your not?"

then she hung

*long convo short*

Ask your pdoc for a recommendation. That's what I did. Mine is better than the former. On Medicaid they is a list of doctors in your area and you should bring your laptop or a piece of paper and ask who is a good one to see.

Hopefully he is knowledgeable in at least his colleagues talents.

I'm sorry she keeps hurting you, newtus. It's up to you to keep your boundaries. Maybe she'll hang up a few times until she starts missing you.

Homemade spaghetti and warm buttered ciabatta bread for dinner

My anxiety is getting worse. I think I'm going to be decluttering this weekend with my friend and I'm very nervous. There won't be time to do it all.

You always have the best food

Can you tackle it in multiple weekends? Why not plan for that?

Back from my pdoc....got the seal of approval...she was very happy that I'm dating and stuff . Meds are going to stay the same and I need some bloodwork but that's it.

The rest probably won't be done for another year at least. I'm so scared! My anxiety is driving me crazy.

It seems to be very competitive getting a job right now. My brother has been looking for 2 years for a part time job around uni and can't even seem to get an interview. I hope you have better luck because it can get demoralising. Good luck with your studies too.

If I remember correctly, MedicalFox was here recently to say that she had graduated and was looking for a job - I think she wanted to work in pathology? (Guys, correct me if I got it wrong)

*Willow*

she treats me like crap.

Maybe you need to fill your days with activities and people that make you feel good about yourself, so you're not so dependent on, and hurt by, your mum's views? It's hard to put healthy boundaries in place if she's the only one to talk to whilst your dad is in work.

*Willow*

I'm having trouble picking paint colours for my new place. They have to be "neutral", but my issue is being able to imagine what the rooms will look like with different paint colours and the furniture I've now accumulated. I used to be able to see things in my 'mind's eye', but now I can't. Eg when people say 'don't think of a pink elephant' and you automatically picture a pink elephant, well I can't anymore. It's strange. My mum is on some kind of paint upcycling mission, so I'm letting her get on with it, but I really hope it ends up looking ok or I will be in the awkward position of not liking it whilst not wanting to hurt her feelings :/

*Willow*

thats hard when theres really no one else to do that with. its true i talk to her because i have no one else to talk to besides you guys. i mean i do school but school is going really slow right now. the teachers made it clear its not self paced. so im waiting for more assignments.

i told my dad what happened and hes angry.

she just hung up on me...

she treats me like crap but then she buys me stuff. like she bought me a macbook for my birthday. and a coat. im talking expensive stuff. macbook = $1300. coat = $80. plus when she buys me other stuff. my dad was telling me shes a golddigger. hopefully you guys know what that means. my mom left my dad for a man with more money...

my parents are seperated/divorced.
i just feel like my life is messed up.

my mom invited me over tomorrow too to a party with a bunch of elderly people going to be there for labor day but now i dont think im going to go idk.

helloooo ...

i went to work at 11 and it was pretty busy (labor day weekend). i was supposed to leave at 5 but they brought in a new cashier and wanted me to train her. i felt weird bc i havent trained anyone before. also i know i have a weird way of explaining things. so i was nervous. she was nice and funny. i tried to teach her the basics since shes never ran a cash register. theres just a lot to teach though. i forgot some things lol. but she was pretty good for her first day. i stayed hour and a half later to train her.

i have to go to group tomorrow and i really dont want to. i think i say that every friday night but then i always go.

I understand loneliness, but personally I would rather be lonely than be abused in that way. I have cut many so-called family and friends from my life for that very reason. I understand that it's slightly different as it's your mother, but she's not going to respect you until you respect yourself by enforcing strict boundaries. And putting up with her abuse because you have no one else to talk to isn't respecting yourself. Her criticism is a reflection of her issues, not yours, but she's not going to change until you make her. You need to channel your pain into building a life for yourself where you realise you are better than having to put up with that.

You've had many suggestions in the past about things you could do to meet other people, but what do you think will work for you? What can you do in the next day, week, month and year to reduce your loneliness?



*Willow*

the way you put makes me think in a different way. in a good way. that i need to channel my pain into building a life for myself. and that putting up with her abuse isnt respecting myself. and i know everyone has said set strict boundaries. i just dont know how to set strict boundaries.

i have a feeling this will continue for awhile because i dont have anyone to talk to at the moment and up and making friends isnt that easy out of nowhere. but idk what activities i can do. my taking my meds and this half recovery has done a 180 on me and has made me lose interest in my past hobbies like art and music and movies/film.

im gonna print out this post and post it on my wall. to remind me. i like it.

im not sure how to set boundaries. maybe you guys can help me?

thank you willow

willow kinda ignited the philosophy flame inside me