Roll Call 61

im thinking of canceling my therapy appt. thats how bad i feel. i just can barely drive like this too along with depression. id be home all week alone next week but thats how i feel.

Wouldn't it be more helpful to go to therapy if you're feeling bad rather than isolate?

i suppose so. but lately therapy has been making me dissociate and i dont think i should be driving with my meds making me this lethargic and tired. i can barely keep my eyes open driving.

i dont have anyone that can take me. idk what to do.

I don't think I'm able to go to my therapy appointment either. It's tomorrow and my friend is going to be doing stuff here with a storage space and I should probably be around. I don't know. I don't like to miss it but I feel totally incapable of going. It's only once a month, I don't see how it's going to help. And I have a pdoc appointment next month I have to get to so I don't know if I could even go next month to therapy also. The COPD severely limits what I can do physically.

angelique

Thank you newtus. Are you any closer to deciding if you're going?

My day is going well so far though I am going to need more coffee, I was up at 5:00 this morning. I like the early morning hours don't get me wrong, it would just be nice to be able to enjoy those early hours with adequate sleep... and I didn't get to sleep until one in the morning.

no. i might cancel monday. which is 24 hours before my appt. but id have to drive myself. which to me a is a no brainer i shouldnt be driving feeling this bad on meds.

idk yet. because im feeling so bad right now. my body feels like jelly from lethargy. i just want to lay down.

I found a great iOS game called Shadowmatic. You have to rotate & spin objects to line up shadows on a wall to make shapes of things. It's pretty darn addictive...

Maybe by then you'll feel better. I hope so.

I'm excited, there's a new season of South Park starting next week!

It's raining so hard its coming down in sheets and sounds like some tropical kind of thing.

I don't think it's ever rained like this anywhere I ever saw in my life.

That's kind of cool as long as you are safe inside.....

I've not watched SP in years... I really used to enjoy watching it. There used to be a website where you could stream them for free but it doesn't seem to work anymore unfortunately.

The sound is almost like thunder, sort of a roar but not thunder. It's like a giant bucket of water overturned in the sky and still hasn't died down. It is pretty cool but I'm worried about bugs washing in through the cracks.

There's a flash flood warning for my town. Luckily I'm on a hill. But if the power goes out I guess at least I won't have to hear the noise downstairs.

Psychiatrist session this morning was just filling out papers.

Psychologist appointment was the best that I've ever had. I'm a bit symptomatic and he explained what is happening so well. Amazing except I'm still a bit symptomatic and confused trying to figure out what is real or not. So good at his job that I can't believe it. Our conversation should have been recorded and put on youtube. It would help so many people. Just brilliant.

We were talking about how I wasn't able to function while sick when I did all that manic stuff with the flooded apartment, alcohol, cigarettes, drug abuse, blowing all my money, insane overdoses, data bills, running away in pjs in bare feet in the middle of the night, 911 calls, thinking my mom and step dad want to kill me, running away from helicopters and some weird creepy horror film paranoia and delusions, etc.. So I have to be well for a while to prove myself which is why my mom is basically completely in control. Dopamine, serotonin balance. If I'm very well for a long time, I can have a beer or two but ya no more than that and I'm ok with it.

My mom told me about what she wants for me in life and started to cry because I get so delusional that I didn't trust her in the past and that she just wants me to be sick and have control over me. Then I started to cry because that's not me. I know she wants the complete opposite. I hate it when she cries. I trust her and always will. If I become delusional, I'll chose to trust no matter how delusional I get. I'd rather trust something that my brain doesn't believe as a rule if I remember.

I feel so bad. She says her children is why she stays working at a job that she hates so much.

I'm coming to terms that I have schizophrenia but I don't want to be dependent. I want to make my own money and enjoy it. I want my life back.

I don't care about the money because my mom signed 71 pages to manage my money so what ever. It's over 3k a month (Including my meds). I still don't care right now because I have no life. Everyone my age and friends on Facebook are having a good time like an amazing time. I've gotten over it so.. I accept this illness .. Sometimes.

Staying in high school and doing well on my English course but not going to post secondary education yet because it costs like 900 dollars every couple of weeks or something and high school, upgrading my marks is 150 dollars a year.

Unless I hate the place and want to move on already, I can afford it.

guys, this morning at work the old man bagger walked up to me and said "do you believe?" i looked at him and said "believe in what?" he said "jesus christ". UMM OMG DUDE! i said "no"... he asked me if i am an atheist and i said yes. he told me i need to change because we're not gonna be here forever. then he said he will pray for me even if i dont want him to. i said thats fine. THEN!!!!! he asked me about it again and asked if i have read the bible. i said yes i used to go to a christian school. he asked me if i knew john 3:16 and i said yes. i said bob, you aren't going to convert me. and then he stopped.

i cant believe he just put me on the spot like that. i knew he is very conservative and religious but i couldnt lie and tell him i believed in jesus. i would have been fine if he just asked if i believe, i said no, end of convo. but he started preaching to me and stuff.

i dont judge others for their beliefs and i dont try to talk people who believe different things out of their faith.

it just seems like a really personal question and certainly when asked at WORK!

i texted T and told him about it and my T said to tell him to shove it up his ***. i said wish i could

Hey everybody! Hope you're all well, haven't been around so trying to catch up on rollcall. Went to my pdoc appointment today and he told me this really funny story about a patient a long time ago who thought they had a microchip in his ear. I won't go into detail but it was funny, he wouldn't have told me it before when I thought I had a chip in my head and my arm so he found it appropriate to tell me now lol. I'm really lucky to have such a good pdoc!

Blue_Bird thanks for the post about South Park, I had no idea but was waiting for a new season! Will defo check it out next week!

What's everyone up to tonight?

im feeling paranoia so bad.
like someone is gonna hurt my dad. and me too. i feel paranoia. i feel it so bad.

why is my illness so bad?
i just want to run away from it.
i can barely do school right now. im procrastinating on it. idk how i do it. my illness and anxiety never let up but rarely. very extremely rarely.

i feel the same so far today. lethargy and tiredness.

Newtus I hope you don't mind me saying this but you seemed like you where doing better before you increased your meds. Maybe this dose isn't right for you. You should talk to your doc about it and come to a solution together.

that reminded me of one time i was hearing voices and i thought the space heater was making it worse so T turned it off. next time we met the voices had left and i said i dont hear them in the space heater anymore. he said thats because i took the speaker out of it. haha