Roll Call 62

oh i didnt realize you had a relapse. glad youre back out of it, hopefully they'll become fewer and further between...

It was only a minor one. This medication seems to not be as strong as the other and doesn't keep everything in as well, but I get no side effects so there's pros and cons

yeh for some people the meds never get everything under control so its a guessing game on whether you try another one. alot to be said for no side effects though

morning

my ecig isnt working like its supposed to so that means less smoking today. i hope i dont resort to eating more. the ecig helped me kinda keep my weight down by having something to do witth my hands. maybe i should have some coffee idk.

I'm getting ready to quit smoking and I'm kind of nervous about it because my psychiatrist changed my antipsychotic so I'm in the middle of that, too... My brain is so hazy and I am having a hard time functioning... I keep falling asleep at random because I'm taking two AP's right now tapering off one and going up on the other one so ughhh...

Why are you changing APs I thought you were doing really well?

i feel like a caged dog in this house. anyone who lives alone or stays in the house a lot feel this way?

I was getting too many side effects on the other one, mostly a lot of EPS like muscle dystonia and akathisia that no matter how much congentin or propanolol I was taking still wasn't stopping it so it was just logical to change it to something my body can tolerate better.

............ <--- how my brain feels, dots... A lot of points... I like typing the points down...... It makes my brain feel less like it's oozing out of my head that way..... Somehow. I don't know why it helps but it does........

Yeah that's why I'm starting to go to group again

I try to get out of my hosuw e when I camn, I don't know but uit just does help when I can do it. I usually got o church on weekends dunno if I'll be able to this weekend a s I'm tired and sutff qnd I don't know.......... If anyone finds any of my brain matter please return it to me because that matters to me........ Thanks.....

We used to call it cabin fever.....

Yes, sometimes. I just think of everything I'm missing not ever getting fresh air.

i dont have motivation to do anything. i just lay in bed. i think part of it is the meds and then the illness.

Do you like to read? I don't have a lot of motivation but love reading, am on the second book of a trilogy currently. It's fun to escape into a book

my therapist recommended this.
i have trouble concentrating on the book. ive tried reading regular books and ebooks. its the same. i dont have motivation to read. idk if im reading the wrong stuff. because i cant read philosophy like i used to. i tried reading Go Set A Watchman but it was so flowery i couldnt wrap my head around the first paragraph. idk whats wrong with me. I WANT to take in information but i just cant and ive been talking less too. i hardly post on instagram either anymore or FB or anything.

the only place i talk is here.
its like a chore to talk or to read or anything. i just want to lay in bed and think. i could think all day. i just think about stuff and never do it.

im not lazy i just literally dont have motivation. idk what it is. tiredness and motivation are my greatest problems in this recovery period. idk if im burnt out from life. i had this huge surge of motivation when i started school but now its just fading away.

its a negative symptom i guess. i couldnt be more unhappy than i am right now. its like i just want to get off my meds. thats how unhappy i feel. i dont even study anymore where i was studying for an hour or two before.

Have you tried audio books, when I was having trouble reading that really helped me.....

i dont even have motivation to comb my hair or take a shower. its just everything feels like a chore. you know?

i say idk whats wrong with me but i do. i just dont know whether this is the meds or the illness. but its not me because i didnt used to be like this. i remember in high school taking a shower every single day and putting on makeup every single day and fixing my hair which was colored in pink and blue and just straightening it everyday to perfection.

this really makes me sad truly.

i used to love to read. i own a lot of my favorite books. i started reading as a teenager. i stopped a few years ago. i would love to get into it again, but i dont know what stops me

I used to love to read too. But it's been a very long time since I read a book. All my books are in cartons and I miss them.

well you know i havent tried audio books but i have been listening to philosophy podcasts. i found the podcast app on my iphone and found this philosophy podcast on there. and its kinda perfect because the podcasts arent long - maybe 30 min to and hour and theyre audio - so they keep my attention and i still think and it uses up my time. so its practically perfect. im gonna try to find other podcasts to listen to. if anyone can recommend some.

i also am having the most difficult time making decisions. like i cant figure out if i want to go somewhere or not like the store. i just say its too far because it takes like 20-25 - sometimes 30 minutes to get the nearest stores from the rural. and thats just the grocery store. that doesnt even include a mall which takes an hour to get to from here.

Motivation is weird, it's one of those things that is hard to get but the more you push yourself to do something, anything even something small, reading two pages a day for example, can slowly build it back up (focus and motivation)

i used to have this insane amount of motivation and focus and not being tired when i was younger but its not like that anymore. the psychosis fueled my motivation in part.

I think it's the meds because before I started on ap this latest time I had more motivation.