Roll Call 63...

Good for you! I couldn't have done that, that's for sure! You rock!

its whatever i guess. i was gone for a couple of days. couldve offed myself and im sure no one would have noticed.

no one knows it has a hold on me.

i feel the paranoia and genius raging in me and im sick of being the quiet one and the one trampled on everywhere. im always persecuted against. and i know why. im sick of it.

this is the only place im social.
this is the only place i feel comfortable being social.
and it doesnt work anymore.

Why doesn't it work anymore? I'm sorry, I don't get into philosophy so I would have no idea how to answer your earlier question, there's a few people here that are into it but you can't expect them to always answer within a certain time. Nobody is like ignoring you or anything if that's what you're implying. I'm sorry you feel that way

Hi newtus, I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

im so appreciative of anyone talking to me. you included. its not easy being alone.

im sorry i dont paint.
im sorry i dont take walks or exercise.
im sorry im not working.
im sorry im not really doing anything positive for myself.
im sorry im serious and dont have anything for anyone to praise me for. and being negative.
im sorry i have nothing profound to say.

i have nothing.
but im always appreciative of people talking to me. i just want to be liked like everyone else and heard. i try to give support as much as i can.

I really don't understand why you're defending yourself like that, nobody has said anything or implied anything negative about you

my whole life ive said im sorry. idk why i do it. my whole life ive been made to feel small and insignificant so i say "im sorry". i feel inferior when im at a low.

idk if i feel down right now or just trying to be social and no ones socializing with me so i feel at a low point.

in fact! i feel the delusions busting out of me right now! and you know what? im not gonna stop them! LET THE PSYCHOSIS COME!

at least i wont be that bored...

no.
i just want to harness the psychosis because i feel the genius working in me. i can feel the wheels turning and the gears rolling and why do i have to stop that? the intellectual ability i can accomplish! wow!

i posted something profound on fb. highly controversial.

I hope it works out, the psychosis coming out, I mean. Usually I find it isn't helpful really.

i worked 11 - 6 which is the worst shift ever in human history. lol. nah it wasnt that bad i kinda powered thru it. i was nervous about it on the way there. but it went ok. its getting darker so much earlier. i kinda like it

lets hope it works and i dont fall off the deep end again. which i might at the end.

I know it's an annoying question but are you still taking your meds?

Ohhh I hate the late shifts, I always preferred to get in early and out early. Worst shift in my old job was 1230-21:00 ... shudder

yeah it feels like im there all day. also my replacement was 15 min late. and no one cared cept me.

yes 10mg of haldol and everything else

Then you probably won't go off the deep end.

Hi Newtus,

I feel your pain, gal. Some of my symptoms are popping up too. Usually it is just unipolar depression. SI's and other thoughts. You know what's remarkable to me is that with all these negative symptoms and feelings, what's remarkable to me is that we feel anything at all... It's a gift and curse but with the turbid, turbulent ocean of **** we live in, it makes those sweetest moments ever greater.

trigger gross, bugs

there was a millipede on my floor. ****ing gross! Where did it come from!!! omg i hate bugs. i stepped on it with my shoe and then it smelled really bad. i googled why do millipedes smell , apparently its for protection. i learned something new.. i never knew they made that smell. ok now i dont want to go to bed i can just envision millipedes all over me. OMG FUK!

thank you!

its a gift and a curse! i feel the genius coming out of me! the philosophy at hand!

Oh no! I never knew they made a smell either! I'm still paranoid because of the centipede that was in my bed last spring. I still get scared there will be another one. But I'm sure there won't be another millipede in your place.

Who hasn't stepped on a cokorach while going barefoot to the kitchen at 4 AM for chocolate?
It's gross

Bit of retail therapy today. Had a bad night last night the thoughts were really strong while I was at parents. Thankfully I seem to have slept some of it off. Sleep is the best medicine.