Roll Call 63...

What are you doing up at 4am for a second day running?! Surely you must be shattered if you didn't get to bed until the wee hours the night before...

I'm totally past all the 3-5am bedtimes we had after nights out at Uni, if I don't get in bed by 11pm at the latest then I'll be one unhappy camper. I like my sleep I do.

The short answer is no im not working atm. I was working as a lecturer until i had a major episode which unfortunately involved several then current and previous supervisors. they kept me on purely as a researcher which was kind to be honest but that also fueled my delusions because not excluding me reinforced and validated the delusions. within the next two to three years i became unmanageable and I talked my way out of everyone's grace.

I continued to research independently for several years but thats mostly ground to a halt now. I know i cant work in academia any more but i still hope to finish off a few projects. so the desire is still there i just dont know whether its the illness or the meds that are stopping me from progressing things. i certainly have trouble reading and comprehending and sometimes its just too depressing to try to work only to be reminded how dumb ive become.

Regardless im still really thankful for my time in academia and all those years when things were going right. gaining an education radically changed me as a person and most of that i still retain.

I've gone from 10-12 hours sleep a night to 3-4 hours sleep, I'm just not tired. Getting terrible hynogogic (sp?) hallucinations when waking up, drifting on and off, as well, so not really wanting to sleep. Several times i woke up last night and couldn't move with people standing over me, poking me, I could actually feel it. Horrible.

You know maybe you are getting some mania or hypomania, sleeping less can be a sign of that.

morning.

having my coffee.

I'm forbidden from coffee until my mania dies down, I'm so put out lol but oh well! I'm still hypomanic but not full blown manic anymore and I am sleeping more since my psychiatrist changed around my meds so I'm far less impulsive and less irritable too.

it's possible I'm hypo, but I was diagnosed ADHD as a teenager and am wondering if it's just hyperactivity. Either way I don't really mind.

Glad to hear you're doing better

Thank you Blue Bird, you're a very kind person.

I had the strangest dream last night... I was at my parents house & woke up only to find I'd slept right through my birthday. I was really angry at my parents for not waking me up for it! haha...

Glad things are going well for you Atypical...

Oh early happy bday in case I forget tomorrow

i feel ok today. but dont want to jinx myself. im afraid i will. i feel anxiety but im trying to get past it. its not bad right now.

Thanks!

Had a nice weekend. Was bfs bday so we went skiing. He loved his presents I've had an epiphany about my eating problems so hopefully this is a new start for me. Feeling weird but that could be because I'm still coming out of an episode. Panicked and thought what if is coming back but since the depot increase I've been getting better so hopefully it will be okay

Finally having coffee. I slept off and on until noon when I should have been up by 4! What am I going to do? I have that pdoc appointment on Thursday! What if he wants to change/add meds? What if he doesn't agree with my diagnoses? I'm so scared.

Nice morning it's sunny. But ya it's sunny here almost every day. Two days ago it was like 20C and was snowing a bit the weekend before..

I'll have some cider cuz why not.

Gonna go walk to the gas station and check my lottery tickets. Chain smoking cold morning walking I love it. A lot of things are therapeutic when I'm calm.

I believe that I'm going to make a good stable recovery soon that will last.

is existentialism looked down upon in philosophy? i rarely hear it talked about. i know its popular but its so influential to me.

You'll do fine. Remember your last appointment you said it wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be? I know it's tough leading up to it but this will be the same.

Thanks chickenfoot! I hope you're right!!!! I'm so dam scared!

my family doesnt understand my everyday struggle with psychosis. its sad. i struggle every single day. i wish they did. i think its because i hide it. i even hide it from my therapist. why? i want people to think im stronger than my mental illness. i dont want them to think it has a hold on me. yet it does.

I've taken a mile walk everyday for the past 3 days. It's hard but I have to get rid of this weight. I know that's not really a lot of exercise but for someone who has barely walked anywhere in over a year that's a lot

It's great, blue bird! That's how I kept weight off until I wrecked my back. You can burn a lot of calories walking.

im a nobody.
thanks guys!

I haven't tried to read philosophy in decades, newtus. I'm sorry I can't really discuss it with you!

I struggle every day too. I can't really hide it, but I do hide my delusions a lot of the time, even from my pdoc sometimes. It sounds ludicrous when I tell someone I am always followed and I am filmed constantly by four people who try to protect me from snipers.

Everyone around me knows it has a hold on me but not everyone knows precisely how.