Roll Call 86

Wow! The storm ended with rain here so we have nothing. Thankfully.

I slept all day. I feel better now. I'm sorry you are feeling bad.

Thank you. Im not really feeling bad so much as I dont have the energy today. But i am thinking of everythibg i have to get done. Which is a bit disheartening...

Yesterday i had one beer and a some wine. Which the wine is why i got drunk. I dont get drunk as much anymore because past few months have been all beer. Which does nothing to me. Last night my dad had four 24 ounces and i think something this morning. I never lie to him about my drinking but he does me. Which makes me feel sad.

Glad your feeling better valley

Back to work today. I wasn't anxious at all. The training has given me more confidence.
Had an up and down day. I felt weird but was distracted most of the time. I had a really stressful phonecall around 19:00 and heard a crow while I was on the phone. Bf says wasn't real. Most likely wasn't.
Did my first home visit by myself. Went pretty well. I feel like I'm definitely progressing.
Home now. And so the weirdness sets in. Ah well.

Glad things at work are going well

I relate to feeling the weirdness while I am alone

Thanks valley. How're you?

Sorry you relate. How're you doing?

I really need to rant/vent. But so many things in my head i need to speak to someone about. It truly cant be this good or ok to keep so much in one's head. Its times like these where i know i couldnt make it living alone. Its too easy for me to fall into psychosis or psychotic thinking as it is.

You can vent to us if it will help?

It does help a bit. Because im putting it down for others to see, so its not all in my own head.

Venting///
I want to think that others care for me like i care for them. I want to think that my life matters as much as others. I mean i guess i used to think i was important to my loved ones and i dont think i am as much as i thought. My friendship circle is getting smaller as time goes on. Which concerns me because if i needed someone to talk to, i cant have that. Let alone someone to hang out with. I call my friends/family, they dont answer or are too busy. Every single day. I look on facebook and people seem to be doing so much or are going places. So to speak.

I dont want to think about the time ill have to be alone one day, living alone. Let alone, be alone with my thoughts everyday. The depressive thoughts circle in my head. It could be me being negative but everything i think holds some sort of fact. A smaller piece of a bigger puzzle.

Sometimes i miss the 4 years ago when i was deeply in psychosis because my voices were my friends and i didnt need any other person to make me happy. (Now being in recovery partially i was taught to talk to others. I regret it so much because its taught me to rely fully on others. So when i need someone everyday i cant get anyone). While i miss the good aspects of psychosis, its not a place where i want to really go back to. It was traumatizing.

I still hear voices daily, but if they dont scare me or hurt me, i welcome them. I dont welcome the depressive thoughts tho.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope someone can relate to me...

Im ok. No I didn't post for months. I'm seeing how it goes for now.

How are you? You're in college now, right? How's it going?

Makes no difference to me. I have a friend IRL who is transitioning. Their family isn't supportive though so that sucks and makes it harder. Are your family supportive?

Glad you had a good day at work. Crows harass me too so I can relate...or they might be Ravens or both at different times?? Honestly I can't tell the difference between crows and ravens. What does your weirdness feel like? Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for an important message so I'm keeping my eyes open for it but I can't figure it out. But maybe your weirdness feels different

Newtus - I relate to caring more about others than they care for me. Or it sometimes feels that way to me. My parents and one brother are supportive, but the rest aren't. I've had to accept that all of my friends, without exception, take AGES to reply to text messages, if they reply at all. I hardly see them as most live in different cities. I never get sent birthday cards or Xmas cards, if I'm lucky I might get a text. So I wouldn't stress about it so much, some people are just like that. I'm trying to meet more people, but it's hard. That's what you need to do too. Sitting at home all isolated will just make you feel more depressed.

*Willow*

Not well, thanks for asking

Thanks willow. It's good to hear others have crows, although it doesn't feel like the truth if that makes sense? I read a news article about psychosis and a woman said she heard crows. It feels like a game to make me think it's not real when it actually is. Everything's a mind game.
My weirdness feels like the entire world has changed. Literally feels like I'm in another world. Everything is evil. Nothing is real. There are spies everywhere. I'm getting more and more convinced that this is not my dimension. I have to travel through.

Sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you

What's the point in these meds. Yes they make me sleep. But what else. My cpn said ideally you should have no symptoms. "Symptoms". Would it be worse without them. Or would I achieve self actualisation. The higher power. Would the Beings accept me. Let me travel through. Or would I be back in hell.

I still have symptoms on meds. I think thats ideal but i could be wrong.

Venting///

Everyone seemed to like me when i was in a better place and able to give help. Now that i need it myself, no one in real life wants to help me.

I think the crows harass a lot of people. They're very intelligent birds. IME people tend to get jumpy when we talk of traveling to other places/dimensions/realities etc That's why I'm in hospital. I'd hate for you to end up in hospital too. Is there another way forward?

My meds just make me eat and sleep. Apparently that is enough reason to keep taking them, but it makes no sense to me. Nobody even bothers to tell me that meds will make the 'symptoms' all go away anymore, because we all know it's not true. I am in Hell now, but I am holding onto the John Milton quote about the mind being able to make a Heaven of Hell and that helps me adjust to my new surroundings. What do you want? Do the meds make it easier to focus on work? If so, that might be worth factoring in to whether to take them or not? Idk...I think it's easier to take meds when you can see the positives of taking them and have few negatives, but I'm not sure how realistic that is for some people.

*Willow*

Isn't that just life??? That's certainly been my experience with most people I know.

*Willow*

Seems like it. I was doing pretty well for about a year or two. I gave help to everyone that needed it. Talked to them. Even drove people around in my car that needed to get to places.

Now they are nowhere to be found. They wont talk to me. Claim they are always busy. Dont give me 15-30 min of their time. So to speak. The one person i even refused to give them anymore rides was actually mad at me. I deleted them off my facebook.

Halfway through my 12 hour shift... time is dragging....

I feel like I was productive today. I don't want to talk to people but I have to and after a while it wasn't so bad. I find that as long as I'm busy just short of the point of being overwhelmed I'm able to be productive and I'm not able to have any drifting thoughts dragging me down and confusing me.

Focus focus focus.