roll call 89

Getting ready to watch some movie with my husband and son.

Tonight is boring. But its ok. Prob gonna goto bed in an hour.

I'm bored too. They picked 13 Hours in Benghazi. Not my cup of tea. Wish I could go to bed.

Im picking up my tag tomorrow. I feel weird going to NA. Even though its for all drugs which includes alcohol. i feel like i should be going to AA. But everyone at the aa in the next city is like 40 or 50 or older.

You said it yourself - NA is good for alcohol as well and they have people more your age. You shouldn't feel weird. You're all going through similar issues.

What's important is 30 days!

I guess i just feel out of place there because besides alcohol the only other thing ive done is smoke weed. But? Like people there have done heroin and meth and stuff.

I guess im making my situation like its not as bad but it is.

I get it. Even with other things like self harm and disordered eating. "I only cut myself ____ times" or "I've only lost ____ lbs" somehow it doesn't seem as bad because someone always has it worse off. Like somehow our experiences don't matter and our situation isn't as bad because someone else is always worse. Sometimes I feel my psychosis isn't legitimate because I don't have hallucinations.

I think it's just how we are as humans. Especially if you were raised with the idea 'I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet' sort of mindset. Somehow programmed that you shouldn't complain because someone has it worse.

But in some situations it's good to be selfish. To put yourself number one. Not downplay your experiences because YOU MATTER.

Whether it's alcohol or heroin or sex or self harm - addiction is addiction and your vice doesn't make you less or more.

When someone dissociates - where do they go? I remember vividly one time dissociating. I was working and I was overwhelmed by how busy we were. I could feel myself getting stressed getting shakey and then I couldn't feel anything. I was floating. I could recognize that my mouth and my body were moving but I had no control and no real feel of it. I don't know how long it lasted but I wasn't in control.

Where did I go? Was someone else there?

It's always bothered me never having an answer for that experience. I don't remember a lot of my childhood (it wasn't a bad childhood or anything) so I always wonder is it because just having a bad memory or something else.

Idk... late night musings, I guess.

i love when i am dissociated, especially if its after talking about something traumatic. it feels like a warm numbness washing over me, no thoughts, no feelings. just blackness- a void. its comfortable and safe. it keeps me alive at times

Morning yall

It's jarring, though. First time it happens. Out of nowhere I'm not there anymore. I'm the kind of person who like orderliness and control. To me dissociating was quite disturbing.

I dissociated a couple times after that but some of it was intentional and I wasn't in a good place so those times were 'good'.

Ugh. Im nervous about picking up my 30 day tag. I really dont want to read in the meeting. I did that twice and i was stuttering n crap.

Is anything really real? How do I know that this is real? How any of you are real? If anything around me is real...

When someone dissociates even to the point of forgetting themselves they are still there it is just that they have an illness that makes it difficult for them to connect with the world around them or themselves.

Good morning. I hope everyone is having a good day. My internet isn't working so everyone is freaking out lol. Thank the powers that be for 3G.
What's everyone up to?

Im going to my NA meeting to pick up my 30 day tag. Then prob going to have afternoon coffee with a friend. (Assuming they dont flake on me like the person yesterday)

I also need to goto the grocery because i ate mac and cheese and i felt sooo tired afterwards. I asked my sis why. She said processed food is not real food and zaps you of your energy. So i need to pick up some healthy stuff.

Psychiatrist said because I'm still apart of the program that I can't drink when I'm in Mexico and will tell my mom to not let me I'm still going to drink. This isn't a matter of helping me she judges me saying I'm withdrawing from people and doesn't believe that I'm not paranoid.

I'm doing well and excited for going to Mexico that's all it is sigh

I was singing kareoke and hanging around with people even this morning. The nurses know nothing there's a huge misunderstanding in communication.

That would suck if I couldn't drink cuz my whole family will be drinking.

This is supposed to be independence and apart of that is drinking in control and I can do that and obviously doing drugs isn't living independent but it kind of is but she doesn't want me to smoke weed and I know I'm not going to because it makes me anxious but she just thinks I'm a fiend and doesn't believe me one bit meh.

I'm not dealing with this psychiatrist anymore if she doesn't believe that I'm not even paranoid. Why would I lie when I always tell the truth about being paranoid.

She says the Vyvanse is a bad thing I think she's detrimental to my treatment because I'm doing really well right now and she's messing with my head.

I don't want to deal with her anymore.

I cant bring myself to go. I just got depressed all of a sudden. Not sure why. Maybe ill go tomorrow. The idea of sitting through the meeting isnt sitting well with me right now. Its just not my idea of what i want to do. I had an option of getting groceries with my mom because i have no money and i told her i was gonna goto my meeting.

I just cant. Actually...i dont even want to leave the house at all.

Things like this make me want to rebel more and go out of control.

I found out why i feel bad and depressed. It was because of what i ate! Aw man i hate that mac and cheese and i felt lethargic afterwards. Like i hadnt slept at all for hours. My sister said it was because its processed food.

Gonna try not doing that again. I downed like 2 bottles of water and i feel somewhat better.

Gonna see if my friend still wants to meet....

That's how I felt on March 12. Who could believe that just because of that I'd be in lockdown for God knows how long.

I have physical therapy in half an hour. Everyone has been very quiet and subdued during the smoke breaks. It might be because it's still feeling a lot like March outside. Low 60s and overcast. That's what people were talking about yesterday.

I didn't shower because I didn't want to be around anyone this morning. Ended up sleeping another 2 hours.

Tweaky, your vacation is getting close now! I hope you have a wonderful time! Don't get blotto drunk though; meds don't mix well with alcohol and drugs. You are young enough that your constitution can bounce back but it is a bad habit to fall into.

Chickenfoot should have left alcohol alone. I'm convinced that it was a key factor in why she is no longer with us. You don't want to make alcohol a habit.

Feel better just can't let it go to my head I think everything will be fine.

She's right, don't go crazy with the drinking. It's a bad habit.