Roll Call CIV (104)

Why are you afraid to say this?

Because its scary to me and i dont like to think about it

I just opened up to someone about it. She was the first person ive ever told in my whole life.

It is scary....

Oh, I see.

I'm so mixed up right now. Feeling paranoid of the TSA and CBP when I fly in to the United States, and them somehow holding me in jail because of unpaid debts I haven't been able to file bankruptcy for because I don't live in the US (have to be present in the US to do a bankruptcy in court). I fear I've missed some court date I missed and there's a warrant for my arrest. I've checked the bench warrants website and there is nothing. My wife and partner are saying I've been paranoid, that these paranoid beliefs have been going on for a while because I can't seem to budge this belief that this will happen to me.

I also thought a car was staring me down earlier through it's headlights...

I'm a horrible human being. It all sucks.

The worst thing? I can't tell if this is paranoia or reality.

I feel like the authorities are watching my every move, even on here. They know.

I kind of feel a little invalidated by the psychiatrist. Like she wanted to link all my mood disturbances to either drinking alcohol or caffeine. I tried to explain it to her that that’s not it but idk. Like she somehow doesn’t believe I’m bipolar or anything. She said she doesn’t know if she can count my past episodes as even hypomanic. Which I think they should be. I’m trying to put it aside. Only matters so much what she thinks. If I don’t have a diagnosis so be it whatever I think I’m on the bipolar or schizoaffective spectrum and my regular doctor thinks so too.

I don't put any stock in diagnoses. They don't bother me and I don't seek them out. I get its different for other people tho

A chantix commercial came on right when I lit my cig

Im Finally off work tmrw

I'm out of seroquel and my NP terminated me with no referrals so idk anymore.

Sounds like paranoia....when I was sick I worried excessively about a lot of stuff, sometimes I thought my recycling wasn't good enough so I rinsed every can instead of every mostly cleanish can....

Do you think you should consider bumping up your meds like a prn while you feel this way....it could be the additional stress you're under....

Did you explain about the psychosis? That usually gets their attention.....

That should be illegal imo.......

Okay...I took another 5mg of olanzapine, even if I'm struggling thinking it is some sort of poison...

i looked at my bullet journal and there's been paranoia the last 5 days...about the amount of time I've gone into focusing fully on the details of this trip.

@Findingreason, of course you're not a terrible person. We all succumb to thoughts like that, don't we? I mean the paranoid anxieties.

I worry excessively

That's terrible. Do you have anyone to write your scripts at all?

Steak tonight! Woo!

No
I dont

I don't have psychosis anymore. Time to lower the injection my friends.

All it is now is anxiety and my perception of life.

An Ativan to ease it with a cigarette in peace because what are the hopes and dreams for this world..

Fallen apart like how my psychiatrist doesn't want to listen to me either. It's always depending on his mood or if I'm late or the way I look.

How does one look inside another through a five minute session with drugs involved. Psychologist thinking that it's more important than talking because I don't know what I want to talk about.

It's just a void of dark energy mixing in like a cold front changing the weather.

Life is the life support controlling everything. The forests, the minerals, the oceans warmth and toxicity and radioactivity. So large in such a small amount of time.

When we pull the plug in society, everything will go back to the weather.

It will rain and wash us away. Then the sun will come out and the grass will grow. The stars will shine in the night.

And that's all there needs to be for me.

Can your t think of anyone you could go to? That's horrible and irresponsible for her to have done that.

I hope so. I see him tomorrow. I'm crying and upset cause I don't know what I'm gonna do =[

((((((((JDNA)))))))

I keep farting idk why. Its been like this all day.

Yeah we went through it all. She said that we can’t determine if they’re separate or together and she really left it at that. Just told be basically to lay off the booze, caffeine, and track mood and psychosis.