Roll Call 125

so t and I came up with the plan for me to invite a friend over

so I invited my former roommate over and I'm gonna bake some teriyaki chicken drum sticks... mash potatoes... okra.. and biscuits

and were gonna color n stuff n eat and watch tv

he said he's proud of me for trying to not use and for asking him for help

Pharmacy wouldn't transfer my Concerta prescription to them from the other pharmacy because it's a "controlled substance". Pls.. My dad is going to the other pharmacy to mail it to me.

For now I'm drinking coffee but not much or heart will beat fast.

Also my mom can't drink a coffee in the morning because she had another episode the same as the last while driving and someone stopped and called an ambulance again.

Her heart medication was making it worse. She probably needs open heart surgery to have a heart valve replaced.. I told her not to drink wine until then but she still does it. She gets almost fatal heart arrhythmias..

She had to take 4 Ativan on the drive home but said only one at a time. My dad followed her home for the 6 hour drive.

Bf’s here takin a showa

Shower sex is the best sex.

I hate it here. I want to go home.

<3.......

I'm feeling good today. Yesterday was a moment of some sort of episode from overworking but it's not busy today.

Drinking more coffee. Anxiety better not sneak up on me..

I'm going to tell my mom to buy decaf coffee in the morning for motivation something to do when she wakes up.

I feel down this afternoon. I feel slightly self destructive I don’t know why. I’ve been so well. I don’t like this.

I understand what could not be understood when I was in so much pain. My ego doesn't matter. I mean, once I talk to the unknown, what am I going to say to it? That I matter? I matter in this society but that's not the point. The unknown infinity doesn't care about that because other things could be more important. Am I going to tell it my accomplishments of making millions of dollars doing something if that happens which my current self doesn't care about like.. Ramble..

Anyways, reincarnation is like a dolphin doing tricks in the ocean. You jump out of the water when you live again and then fade back into nothingness according to the human excitement perception of how people thought it was a fish.. Then it jumps again and you do a backflip and then go back into the nothingness, but there is something in that nothingness. What does the memory of a dolphin have? It doesn't matter.

I believe I died in another dimension many times doing stupid things and my mom is crying. But when I think about that picture in my memory, it's reaching into another dimension where she says "he's in heaven" or someone could say I'm in hell or you're in hell who knows it just depends on how you think of anything.

When you put yourself into someone else's body, you'd move weird because of the different shape and size and fall down most likely. Maybe not. But in order to be in someone else's body, you have to be that person and basically, thinking about it or not, you are that person. You're everything.

That's what happens when someone close to you dies. They're in another universe/dimension where they didn't die and they're thinking about you crying and they're saying "I'm fine. I want to reach you but I can't. Only if you stop crying, I would be happy".

But that's only the perspective of mine in the form of energy that I am currently in and everyone's views on everything should be respected. Who's to say people with psychosis are dangerous? Possibly. Just as much as everyone else but less likely in the form of reality and energy that we all are currently in..

I’m just going to eat my feelings. Low calorie ice cream so it’s not so bad I guess.

Bf left

These past 5 days turned out swell

Man I need to stop smoking.

I'm going to switch to really healthy things. I hope it isn't too late for me to quit smoking so it didn't do any damage. It's a risk to start doing probiotics etc that I will not not be healthy.

But I'm craving healthy things right now like vegetables. I'm hungry.

I'm going to spend my smoking money on supplements and stuff

Had a good day. Worked, slept, shopped with my daughter, cooked dinner, hung out. Took like 3 hours at the mall. Got halfway home and realized we forgot something so we had to go back.
Just finished a big peanut butter cookie. It was good.
Nothing going on tomorrow. Monday through Friday is pretty much the same. Work, sleep, drink coffee, wait for everyone to get home.

I had a good day too. Came home to a large pizza mostly to myself. My mom is sleeping she gets tired lots now for some reason. I hope she's going to be ok..

Good night all.

I’m bored I had 5hours I’d sleep and been awake for 2 hours almost.

Their filming around my place this TV movie called “love & oatmeal” so going out is basically a cluster fluck.

Everyone around me is pissing me off including my professionals my key worker isn’t here and I changed my appointment with my trauma counsellor because I hadn’t slept in 52hours then when i did get sleep it was 12hours then today it was 5hours very ****** if you ask me.

I am compelled to do something terrible to myself but I won’t go into detail because that’s better left unsaid personally.

I am annoyed that I don’t see my pdoc until August 7th. And I saw her May 8th last. That’s going to be 3 months I am rather pissed off I am still on abilify it has given me akashia( I don’t know how to
Spell it). And every option she has given me was an injection which is a total piss off. I don’t want an injection I take my meds regularly I have tissue issues because of the flucking injections I have had over the years. My nurse even said I cannot get anymore injections because no matter where she sticks it there nobbles. Plus the migraines I was getting was 8-9 a month and I was prone to migraines already usually 1-3 a month.

I don’t agree with any of these diagnosis but maybe the psychosis one because that is true. And they treat me as though I am damaged goods or leave me in a corner or pretend I don’t exist. It’s like I am a red flag to them. I wish they would see me as a person with difficulties I think if I had cancer or some other thingy and I kept coming to hospital because of that I would be treated differently. Not that I wish I had cancer because I don’t. Just because I am sick of the stigma that’s attached to Mental illness or attached to me that I am an attention seeker. It’s not that because I am one it’s because I am doing it for myself I am calling on my behalf. I am taking charge of my life and not relying on someone else to do it for me. It really pisses me off with certain people that say I am to call the ambulance when I undoubtedly have been treated by paramedics as though I was a leech as I was on a stretcher and my face was swollen and couldn’t talk I wrote it down on and on saying I was sorry. Then I get to the hospital and the triage nurse taking one look at me saying “get her off the stretcher she has a care plan!” I went to stand up and fell flat on my face well all the paramedics and police standing there basically got irate with the triage nurse saying that I had issues and couldn’t be in my own to stand up I remember not much after falling my body dropped so low that they had to put me onto a stretcher and wheel me onto a monitor bed. My face was a balloon literally. I turned purple and I remember waking up in the icu of the hospital. Apparently I brought back to life 3 times in that one emergency call I had made. I was there for a week and they kicked me out saying I was stable. I saw my doctor in the same day he looked at me checked my temp it was 112F he had me rushed back to hospital after I was talking to him and started cough. well I didn’t remember anything after that apparently I had seizure next thing I know I am in the back of another ambulance and their poking me to put an IV in. I had been intubated. I touched my eye and there was blood. I was now in the hospital for another 2 weeks before they transferred me to a different hospital for supreme care. I was there for 2 weeks and 3 days on a one to one care with psych nurse and RN. I spent more time in hospital then at home and I had put a clause in my medical files earlier about no contact order from a different time but my sister came and saw me every other day because she was on record the only one to see me. Anyways they thought that I had taken my own life when I went to hospital the second time the paramedics lied to triage staff saying I had been on drugs but when they took samples of my urine and blood multiple times there was no trace. So that paramedic apparently was put on leave for giving the triage nurse fake statements the entire shift they were in for.

Moral is don’t judge a book for its cover. Look deeper do more tests and figure out what is wrong instead of judging someone based on what they think it may be.

I wish I could change my name to something else would I still be judged? Would I still be frowned upon? Would I not be taken seriously?

Whatever, sorry for the chapter in my life.

Morning

Having coffee

My mom helped me buy my dad a Nu Wave Oven for fathers day to replace his old one. Its coming today!!! Its a convection oven. He lovessss cooking.

I'm going to the opthalmologist today for a pre-op appointment. I don't want to go.

I'm really depressed. The Prozac isn't helping at all. I want to go home and vape my own way and drink chocolate milk and watch movies all day. And stay far away from humans (except for my friend).

The problem is that I stay so isolated I start going into psychosis. And even when I don't, I stop making sense. I saw some journal entries from maybe a year ago that were nonsensical. Maybe I wouldn't experience that if I went to the senior center regularly.

Someone hurt my feelings last night, one of Miss Universe's friends. I don't want to be here. Maybe I should just start working on getting out of here and deal with the appointments on my own.

Good Afternoon/morning everyone. How are things going today?

Hugs to Angelique. I hope you feel better soon and can get things handled.

I'm okay today. Had band. We went over music theory this morning and rhythms. Reading music sheets and what not. I did not do well. But then I quickly realised other people were struggling with it too (even the drummer! and he does well in this band), and I didn't feel so bad. No real practice outside of a 10 minute jam a couple singers and I did. Otherwise it was another group practicing for the afternoon. They've got a gig coming up in 4 days so they gotta prepare for that.


Otherwise my knee if bothering me. Not good. Hopefully it doesn't get worse or I'll have to ask my wife for rides to practice.


What's everyone up to?

Hey,

A lazy day for me. Slept until 1pm and still in my PJs. Doubt I’ll shower today. Just been watching stuff on Netflix. I mean I say lazy but I guess it’s more sleepiness and lack of motivation.

I Called the college and withdraw my application. I guess I’m just not really in the mindset for studying. I don’t have the drive and the thought of the workload makes me anxious. That’s ok though, just need to focus on getting a job now. Getting money coming in and being more self-sufficient is the next goal in my recovery.

Right, now back to Netflix.

I hope your knee improves soon.

Hey! Not much going on, at school. Several hours before class so I can hang out on my laptop and read. How is everyone?

I'm very disappointed in myself. I have been eating pretty unhealthy the past two weeks. I see my doctor tomorrow and I am scared to see my weight when she weighs me. She never used to weigh me often but she does now that I've lost a lot of weight, I guess she's just keeping track to make sure I don't lose too much weight by going in another direction with the

I will be mortified if I've gained any

I feel like im losing weight. I feel and look skinnier but the scale stays the same.

Any advice as to why this is?

I talked to my vocational counselor yesterday.

Hes talking about getting me a job as a receptionist at a hospital probably. :/ :/ :/

But hes also talking about putting me in social skills training. Fluckkkkk. Its 4 hours a day everyday for 6 weeks. Ughhhh.

Not happy. The bf said its like a job doing that so itll show if i can handle a job. Problem is im not getting paid for social skills training plus its far away for something thats everyday.

That's kinda like the vocational training thing I'm going to do this summer. Every day from 9am till 3pm for around a month straight. I think it's a good way to get used to what the work world expects of you