Roll Call 126!

Yeah so I had talked to my doc a while ago and he suggested maybe going back to the psychiatrist if I wasn’t doing great and since it takes time to get the referral I said sure let’s put in the request so I heard back today so like I said I have an appointment next week. I have to take a half day at work which kind of sucks.

Gotta go through the whole thing again with their questionnaire and that. Don’t know how I feel about it. Last time I talked with them they said to my face they didn’t think I was bipolar and then wrote bipolar in my notes so wtf.

I haven’t taken my meds the last couple days. I don’t know if I want to. It’s hard. I don’t know. This bothers me. The indecisiveness. It’s annoying how I keep doing this. I was weird today and I noticed the difference between taking them and not taking them.

Psychiatrist next week. Regular doc the week after. Don’t know what to say yet.

... I took my meds. I had a late dinner so it was the perfect time. I did it before I changed my mind.

Be very careful and take your meds until you can get into the safe zone where there's a higher possibility that you will survive. Pain will go away soon maybe with the right meds no worries. Some day we might not need meds. Everything is possible. You aren't bound to your state of mind.

For me it feels like I know I'm doing bad when I'm doing good. And it's true in my reality. But what is reality? What is normal. All crazy people in the world but together we are ok. We might all nuke eachother idk but we won't die.

Only if you believe you will die forever and that can be a choice. But in the matrix, "Red pill or blue pill" and "Choice is the problem".

I think mixed states are the worst possible emotion to be in. It's basically psychosis I think. Psychosis has different forms. Delusions of grandeur in mania. Delusions of grandior in depression due to low self esteem. You hold onto the delusions to the point of no insight. Chemicals in the brain move around based on your thought of the colour you see like blue. Blue sky, beautiful things. You see them and all the trauma and horrors and hate from people the ruin it for you, reflecting on your inner self to a problem to fix.

For me, my mind is expanded. I said to my mom that the Sui thoughts two days ago were spiritual enlightenment. Worst I've ever been to dangerous self. But the injection must have kicked in or it hasn't already and I'm just in this state.

I said to myself that I'll never know from being treated with antipsychotics so early. But I'll never know. I feel like I have reality figured out so much that I know that I possibly don't. Or both. The choice of what I want. Listen to all the music lyrics telling you things if it isn't scary and accept that signs are screaming at us in the face trying to tell us something that we won't realize how powerful it is until later, maybe even in some other life. If that exists.

Hello guys

How are you doing?

I think I only get along with sociopaths if they know me well

And it's chance that the things I say are authentic. Or maybe I don't even know me. Maybe it's all a coincidence of luck and then bad luck.

Because the other option is I get along with them well if they want something from me.

But isn't that how a lot of people are. Money being the root of all evil. That's why the government is just not society.

Mirrors of things in connection of the same eventually change and become different like a relationship over time most likely.

I'm doing the best I can. I think I'm going around in circles though.

How are you?

Door, once you find the door and escape from the circle, you will find another circle. If a snake doesn't shed its skin fully, it dies.

I'm good but I'm scared of the future and I try to avoid situations that will cause me psychological pain because I feel like I'm not strong enough. But I want to be innovative and try to play this game and see peace and love and help people that struggle in the world. Not to change anyone but throw things from the window of reality in society.

Just think my mom most of all needs to see me truly think that I'm doing good but I'm good in this way idk.

Gonna try to be chill and sleep. I already fell asleep once. Tried to stay awake but couldn’t. Not that anything is stopping me just me not wanting to. But I have to it’s natural.

I started thinking today everyone was in my head and I could control everything. Except the reflection that’s something different they’re trying to steal my image in this alternate dimension.

I understand what you mean. I feel the same way to an extent. Thanks for responding, it's good to hear from you.

Anyone believe in psychographology?

I’m trying to sleep but I keep seeing shadows in the dark. I’m probably not making any sense.

Its 10pm here I went to bed at 12am this morning. tomorrow I get paid I also cancelled an appointment.

Where I live a going rate for a market rental 1 bedroom suite is 1000-1200$ don’t forget to cross your fingers if that includes utilities.

I texted my brother and sister if we can go skiing in the winter but my sister is going to leave jasper after the summer.

Then I said my sister and I should visit my brother and we will go to my aunt and uncles 50k dollar cinema in their basement and watch movies. I'm going to message my aunt about it. But I'm scared to connect to people because I don't want to. I have to force myself.

I had a conversation with a new coworker that was on night shift before I left work. I'm trying to be more connected to people to make up for my severe isolation. I liked being isolated but it leads to worse mental health.

This is a big step for me to get out of isolation. I need to be brave and have courage and that seems to be the most important thing for me.

I spent 2 hours looking at word porn

Not sure exactly what psychographology is but I found an article about graphology in the CIA reading room.

https://www.cia.gov/library/center-f...3a04p_0001.htm

Basically psychographology is determining personalities and **** from your handwriting lol. I randomly have a book on it sitting around I keep looking at but not reading.

Good morning! Woke up at 5:45 but that’s okay. I went to bed at 10. Feeling good. Weighed myself and I’ve put on 5 lbs so I’m back up to a normal bmi. 118 baby.
Working for a bit today. I don’t think there will be much to do. I’m contemplating going to do it now and get it out of the way. I’m pretty lazy though.
Going to hit the bank and go see my guy later.
My husband worked overnight last night so I’m lonely. Slept with my dog lol. Can’t wait until he comes home.

Well I didn’t work. I took a shower, drank more coffee, and looked up townhouses in the mountains. Im not really feeling work today. Just want to hang out.

I’m going to make beef stew right now.

Morning

Having coffee

tired

feeling sad and hurt about some things

Im in a good mood today

I think its cuz i know the bf is coming over!!!

I'm slacking on my painting work. I need to paint a sailboat. I know I can do this. I want to get it done but I fell back asleep this morning and haven't worked on it at all today.

I had very vivid dreams last night.

These meds. Felt terrible earlier. Sweating. Stiff muscles. Back ache. Lightheaded.

Feeling better now except my back still hurts and I have to pee a lot.

I don’t know how much I can take of this.