Roll Call 143

Thanks! Hope you can get some rest soon

I feel like I just want to stare at a wall. I'm lost. Dont know what to do and what the point of everything is.

Anhedonia is back

Thanks. Hopefully this weekend! Kit

I empathize with you. I have that a lot. Kit

I don't listen to podcasts anymore. Podcasts were like the only thing that made me happy.

I don't like where I live. Isolated in the mountains. I hate winter.

It's hard to motivate myself to study.

I'll see if I can lower the Seroquel from 100mg to 50mg and see if that helps

I don't know what is wrong with me. I called the mental health clinic to make an appointment with my therapist but they're closed.

Yeah long weekend most take Friday off too. I couldn’t get through to a bunch of providers today at work all closed for the long weekend.

I want more beef teriyaki but I ate it all yesterday. Yes I was sick af but it was worth it.
I don’t know what I’m eating tonight. I was going to make tomato basil soup but I got home too late.
I’m so happy it’s Friday. I’m tired...like whole body and soul exhausted.
I’ve decided to give this therapy **** a chance. I still don’t think I need it for my mental illness but I am going to try to use it to help me work through these feelings I have toward my sister. I realized the past 2 weeks that I have allowed my emotions over the situation and the fallout cloud my feeling for my nephews and mostly my niece. I hate to say this but I don’t like to be around her. She reminds me so much of my sister. They are freaking twins physically speaking, their mannerisms are very similar, their manipulative behaviors are the same...it’s crazy. It just all brings me back to that awful time ya know? But I know it’s not her fault...she was the victim...it’s just too much for me to handle. So I avoid her . Total rookie move. I hate myself for it because I love her like my own...i just can’t stand to be in her presence. Her whole aura sets me off. Makes all those memories and feelings come flooding back. It’s like I’m right back there struggling to breathe again.
It doesn’t help that she leans on me like I’m her mom....always has. She will be 23 but she’s emotionally more needy than my 13 yr old. She requires constant reassurance and guidance to do just about anything. It’s sad and infuriating all at the same time.
I know I sound like an awful person. I swear I’m not. I’d give my life for those kids. They were my practice children lol. It’s just so hard to face that over and over again.
So anyway. I’m hoping that this therapist person can help me work through this so I can have a healthy relationship her/them.
And maybe I can move beyond this burning rage I have against my sister. My daughter asked me if I still loved her...after thinking for a couple minutes I realized I freaking don’t. I truly feel that my real sister died 5 & 1/2 years ago. I have mourned that loss. I think I’m “over” it now. It’s just the anger and hatred. It’s eating me alive.

So I met this guy 6 years ago today

It was love at first sight for both of us.

I still don't really understand what schizophrenia really is. I need my therapist to explain what is wrong with me. To diagnose me with something that makes sense instead. I think I'm depressed but idk. All I can explain is in similes. "I feel like". Or metaphors. "My mind is".

Hubby brought home coffee cake for me. Had it for dinner lol. 1/2 way through I realized that old familiar flavor was sour cream dough. Fml. My stomach is angry

Well, the last vape I had was yesterday afternoon. Nothing has been charged. The istick is locked and has to be unlocked, and the voopoo wasn't touched because I told them yesterday not to charge it.

Things just haven't been good lately.

I found out my mother was diagnosed with both Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. No one bothered to tell me. I'm hopeful for her though because she's 90 and still isn't too severely symptomatic. I should have the option of going there and taking care of her, but I don't. I'd be crap at it anyway.

It sounds really good though. I'm dying for a pizza.

I’m sorry about your mom.

Thank you. I hope you will feel better soon.

Edit.....

Sorry I'm just really frustrated with myself

Afternoon,

It’s quiet in here today! What everyone up to?

It was a community day for Pokemon Go today so I’ve been playing a large proportion of the day ! Unfortunately my friend wasn’t able to meet up with me because of a valentines weekend but I wondered around town for a while myself. Was a nice day for it.

Not much else planned for the rest of today. Maybe play some games.

I was just working on some school stuff. Went to the library and got some manga and DVDs. I'm going to play games and read most of the day

I’m just working. Been working Monday - Saturday the last while because we’re behind and they have overtime open all the time now. It’s a holiday on Monday and I’m going to work a full day because I’ll get holiday pay plus time and a half.

In the past 3 months that I've quit smoking, I bought like 500 dollars worth of nicotine spray to feed the schiz.

Going to cram a bit of studying in before I start work. Heart was beating in the 90's this morning. Too fast!

I had a dream last night. I was jogging and saw a lunar eclipse. It gave the nNn sign and then I saw the goddess with eight arms but she had six.

<-- This was the sign.

"It is also believed that Goddess Durga was created by Lord Vishnu as a warrior goddess to protect good people (devas) for fighting the demon, Mahishasur.. Her divine shakti contains the combined energies of all the gods in the form of weapons and emblems (mudras)."

Tweaky you saw a goddess in your dreams. So did I last night... was Katherine Heigl.

I had a very vivid dream last night, the sky disappeared, it went black then was gone, hard to describe how it happened but it did. Like black clouds rolled in fast then everything was blank and cosmic and everyone was just standing there scared, then it came back and was this intense purple/pink/orange/reddish color, it was some kind of thing that was happening I guess it was like an end of the world thing but the world was given another chance, it was really intense