Roll Call 145

Brrr someone keeps putting the AC on and I'm chilly in here.

Changed my coil and filled my tank, more grape vape because everytime I fill it with something else after grape, I miss having the grape. So I'll wait until I get slightly tired of it.

I was so lucky before I came here. I would wake up and have a wonderful hit off my mod, make coffee, watch TV, do whatever the heck I wanted. It's very upsetting thinking I'll never be able to do that again. Living alone is the most luxurious thing in the world to me.

However, I do still have my old apartment and I might be able to go back, but I'll just be locked in again because of the stairs. And those freaks will start fvcking with me again. So, less exercise, isolation (which I don't really mind unless I get delusional), my bf having to come take me to my appointments.. I don't know. Each alternative has pros and cons.

I wish they'd add a 10pm smoke break. 7 is too early for the last smoke of the day. They should let the vapers vape in the lounge. I've been having allergies lately and a lot of it might be from the smoke.

I dont eat seafood or anything like it. I also dont really eat dairy at all too.

I've only started to regain my energy in recent times. I think a mix of proper antidepressant, antipsychotics, hormone levels and such, it is working. Before that for the longest time I had issues with getting up to do anything. On Risperidone it was debilitating. 16 hours a day sleeping, and the 8 hours I was awake I spent it in bed. It was bad.

Before all the illness set in and it was just mild-moderate depression and anxiety, I just worked 30-40 hours a week and went to school. It was not pleasant at times but I got up and did my thing every day. It took something incredible to make me call out. Short of the times I had H1N1 (2009) and pnuemonia (2014) and my supervisors and teachers said to just stay home and ride it out. Otherwise I was there cause I had to do it to survive. Was it pleasant? Nope. But it was necessary.

I'm in this tricky situation now where I am working on regaining some functional life but its taking a lot of time and patience with myself to get back to where I was before.

In short, I understand the energy, motivation and issues as such, Newtus.

My insurance company sent me a breakdown of my script spending.
This was the last time I filled Latuda. Take a look at what big pharma charges for a 3 month supply.

Medications are ridiculously expensive

I'm currently waiting for my insurance to approve the vraylar, have a month of samples to take in the meantime. Without it would cost over 1,000 a bottle

It’s ridiculous.

Good luck!!!

I feel much more awake after eating. I haven't really been eating much

I have signed up to read books for money. they are indie books by mostly self-publishers. Each time i read and review a book i get so much money. Up to 60 dollars per book.

Let me know if any of yall want in

How long does it take you to read each book?

Depends on how fast you read. Some books are long some short. Me, im starting with the shorter books around 100 pages. So im not sure. Also i believe the company im doing it with only has digital books. But theres 3 companies total doing this, so idk if the other ones have actual physical copies.

Good thing about this is, you get the keep a copy of whatever you read.

I'm home again but I feel so uncomfortable being home alone. I'm not sure what it is, I used to love being alone.

Watch The OA on Netflix. You will ****ing love it.

I grew accustomed to Geodon, but I loved it the first few months because it let me sleep like a baby.

The inspectors are on your side, making sure drywall, plumbing, and smoke detectors are in shipshape condition.

I feel you. My flat affect makes me feel like I have cotton in my brain. I come here on PC and I have nothing to talk about because my affect is so flat that I'm not inspired to say anything at all.

The trick that I've learned though, is if I just go into the right environment then I can become motivated to read and write. Also, everyday I try to listen to something beautiful, say something reasonable, and read something interesting, even if I read the same book. I've read faust and Ender's Game each half a dozen times, I've read Harry Potter's Deathly Hollow twice (audio version of that.)

If emotionally I can't summon any motivation, I turn on something that greases the brain cell. I have a Spotify playlists called Deep Thought that I've been growing for a couple years now, there's no lyrics in any of these songs, but I then try to focus on the emotion it should provoke and write something that the music inspired.

Even though I have read Faust at least 6 times now, I started to write a blog post about the Ethics within the Tragedy. I'm still a ways from completing it though.

The cord of last recall is to go into a quiet bar and have a few tall beers, but that's only when im desperate, which I typically am. :-/ My other safe zone is the library. Have you visited your library yet? Is there one near you? Good libraries will let you have an app (like OverDrive) that allows you to check out audio books, and they'll have dvd's and blu rays too for something new for you two to watch together. Engaging in philosophy doesn't always have to include old, dusty books. Brew some high quality coffee, and bring a snack so you can enjoy a few hours there. The thing with books, is that they may add value to life but they might not give you meaning, experiences and relationships can give you deeper meaning I think. The scholar's life might be a little sterile for many.

Thanks dt! Ill check out the libraries here.

I used to listen to stephen west’s philosophize me (or philosophize now?). That usually helped.

I need to check out more podcasts!

Hmmm...not sure I’ll make it until 9:30 tonight. Hubby and daughter are watching “Truck Night in America” . So there’s not too much going on.
Monday I get this stupid thing off. Thank god. It is giving me a sore on the inside of my thumb because the cotton rubbed away so the thumb is just rubbing on plaster. Now that my hand isn’t swollen it shifts all over. Ugh. Almost over.
I need to find something to do.

In Our Time is an intellectual podcast by BBC, but it's not just philosophy but literature, history, philosophy of course, historical figures, etc... I say just go to the page and scroll down until you find an episode that speaks to you. It's well done with experts in whatever topic they discuss.

Philosophy Bites is another great one.

I hope I don't get another panic attack tonight. I want to move but I can't see the point of doing anything. My creativity is dead. I'm inspired by nothing.

If one can just start an activity, then usually it will just flow and you can use that moment for awhile.

Bf and i, i think, found a good place to move to after this idk.

Its a two story townhome. 1100 sq ft. For 800. At least thats what it says on the site.

So epically glad this week is over.

So what part of psychology do you want to specialize in? Did you have any fun classes this semester?

I must be depressed. But I can't go on an SSRI because they numb my serotonin.

I told my mom that I didn't want to go back to work because I'd be alone with my thoughts. I don't work with people and I work until late at night answering radio calls.

I can't be alone with my thoughts. There needs to be people around me or I feel scared.

I could try listening to some podcasts but this invega has my mind really numb from the magic. I can't feel the magic of life. Everything is dull and uninteresting. I just want to sleep. I feel like a zombie. I keep thinking about what the soldiers said. I need something else to replace those thoughts. I want to read but it's like my mind is frozen and stuck on pause. Like the wheel isn't turning in my brain. It's just silent and I don't care but something is screaming inside me and that scream is dying out and I can't hear it anymore.

What happened to me? Where is that spark that you people see sometimes? It's gone.. My brain is frozen and nothing is moving. The neurotransmitters disappeared and it looks like a rusting empty playground.

I don't know how long this will last but I feel like just fading into being not able to function just enough to get by. My motivation is dead. I don't have the strength to continue on the path I want to go.