Roll Call 145

He wants a crack dollar.

I can walk around here at night it's very safe.. except for animals like bears...

I've been ignoring it. I know self harm is a bad thing but deep down in my brain i'm feel like i need to do it... it'll calm them down and stop it all... i want to stop it all. i'm gods gift for the dead. I need to appease the spirits... hermes tells me I can fly... in the sky and see my uncle and nan because they're waiting for me up in the afterlife. they are at peace though... i want to see them. i want to see them again... I have life now but when death comes i'll get to see them again. i'm going to hell when i die but if i can fly into the heavens i can see them again one last time before i die and go to hell.

I'm not a professional but that sounds very concerning. If you're going to do anything to harm yourself, you need to go to the hospital. I would.

It's like that in Saratoga where my brother lives, all nature, mountains etc. Not the city I live in though, it's pretty rough in certain parts. I think almost everytime I leave the house and am downtown I come across some person yelling while walking down the street and cussing randomly or something along those lines

I don't want the hospital... i really don't. they'll just put me on another med that'll make me gain massive weight and send me on my way. last time i was there they gave me attitude. i was having panic attacks and couldn't breath from the stiffness the haldol would make me and they'd wouldn't give me benadryl and that's what helped me when i went to the hospital the day before my birthday because it was night time and would make me sleep. they tried to force it on me... i told them no after they forced me to take it. my pdoc asked if i wanted to get back on the haldol knowing very well it gave me tardive dyskinesia. does she get money from them if they put me on them? I don't want haldol... I don't even know if i want clozapine... it's something they haven't suggested even though they know very well i've tried most antipsychotics. i think it's real and i'm treatment resistant because i'm not going through psychosis.

i've lived in places like that. that's what happens when you're broke. I'm pretty sure the homeless person ranting on the street is mentally ill.

yesterday after dinner I took a walk to the shopp

it was nice in the cool air, and rather quiet too

baught some lucasade

came home and watched young sheldon which was actually quite funny, for once in my life I enjoyed watching it (I don't often enjoy it, his voice annoys me) but the whole saga with the sandwich made me smile

despite it being a quiet night without flashbacks I didn't get rest. back was far too painfull to lie down.

today I am feeling horrible. it's the start of brittish summertime (well it's not, but it's what they say when the clocks go forward)

I hate the longer hours of light, I hate the warmer weather, I hate the ****ing bugs because I'm alergic, from now until november life's basically a ****ing screw up

ah i see.. i love summer... i love to swim and enjoy wearing shirts and tee shirts. i love summer storms. I love it all... only problem is it gets too hot sometimes. i much rather be in warmer weather. sometimes we go on vacation in July/August to Florida. It probably wont happen this year because we ended up getting another dog and since my uncle passed away we have no one to look after the dogs.

I'm in a bad place right now

I've done something really bad...

I cried a little Erti
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through at the hands of those that should have protected you.
If you need a stand-in family member...I’m always available!

Oh no Erti.

Are you safe???

i'm safe...

I deserve nothing

Of course you do.
You deserve a hell of a lot better than you’ve gotten.

I still love my family... they suck me dry on money but i love them anyways. I didn't earn that money.

Damn...slept 10 hours last night.
I don’t know what’s up for today. I think it’s supposed to be like 56 so that’ll be nice.
I have to go grocery shopping at some point. Im down to the basics and frozen meat.
My husband hurt his back the other day. He was pretty miserable with it yesterday. Hoping he’s feeling better today.
Also hoping my sons doing better.

Yeah. Family’s family.
Sorry about the money. Before I had my own family I basically supported my sisters household so I hear ya.

my mom is suppose to only take a 100 dollars from me for next month so idk... I may not see it again because she's not able to pay the bills... however she gets extra money for selling methadone to her friends... my mom is better about it than my dad and stepmom

My stepmom and dad use to bum money off of me all the time... i'd buy food and cigarettes for them. so it's something they would ask for all the time... a pack of cigarettes a day and a 12 pack of pepsi a day... put i payed the cable/internet bill and I would give them 40 dollars every so often and they would give it to me and ask for it back so i never saw the money again... they sucked me dry in my bank account and went a few days without food because they didn't want to get food stamps and didn't want to go to the food bank for food... They wouldn't let me talk to my mom and go over there because they thought my mom would be mad and kick my ***. they would spend 300 dollars at the casino of their paycheck and sell their pain pills for extra money.

only one who never ask me for money is my stepdad.

Yikes! Sorry to hear that.
Money is the devil.

yeah it is... i am not into material things... my mom buys me stuff here and there and buys my food but I give her my food stamps card for groceries... i use to get 160 dollars a month now i probably get half that now. I only get around 750 - 780 dollars a month in disability.

Wow that seems low.
According to my ssi statement I’d get around 1200 if I was on disability.
Must vary by state like everything else. Sucks.

yeah but then again the cost of living is cheaper in ohio than probably where you are.

Yeah. Probably.

That's what I get, SSI right? I think SSDI is the one that's usually more