Roll Call: 146

I think Seroquel numbs me emotionally a bit. Before Seroquel I would go through each roll call page and comment on everything. Now I just read them but I have nothing to really add. Also, I'm having writers block. I can't seem to get passed it.

I feel like my life could turn for the best or for the worst. I'm stuck in the middle right now where everything is just a potential good or bad place.

It's cold and raining. I love rain.

Right now I feel like doing this essay is a chore. I don't want to do it. I'm not taking any courses this summer. I'm going to work for 4 months for an extra 3600 dollars. Then do courses in September and in the winter.

So yeah that's where my summer is going. I want to work 2 days a week so I'll have 5 days a week to heal because I'm really in need of spiritual healing. My mind feels like it is complete trash and so is my life. I'll have the summer to use free time to my advantage to grow as a person stress free. Because I'm in a lot of stress and everything feels disturbing to me, screwed up and weird.

Well at least I wrote this about my thoughts but it was hard..

Edit: I feel like I'm in a dark place that only I can overcome with my mind

thanks angelique i might be up for a while tho because of the naps i've been taking today.

I hate when they said that. Cuz they dont really do anything. They just say that.

Me too, I slept until afternoon today. Hope you get plenty of sleep.

here's the thing... i feel like i have to defend my mother some. shes always kept a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes to wear. however, my education and physical, mental, hygienic needs weren't always met. i flunked a grade because of lice and kept getting kicked out and staying out of school weeks and sometimes a month after the fact i got "caught" with having head lice. I had it real bad and was told to avoid scratching my head at school and letting people near me to notice lice in my head. I didn't start going to the dentist until i was 18 after a tooth crumbled in my mouth and i needed to have a root canal. I mean i have good teeth don't get me wrong but it took a lot of fillings and a root canal to get them that way. as for mental health my mom tried to hide the fact my sexual abuse and rape happened after i told my grandmother what happen when i didn't want to go home with my mom's ex boyfriend that night. i wish they wouldn't of locked his *** up but all my mom did was kick him out and told no one. she told my dad's best friend but not my dad himself. my dad's bestfriend never told my dad because he said it wasn't his place to tell him and according to my dad he once delivered pizza to my moms ex's house after she kicked him out. my mom's ex asked my dad how i was doing... my dad said i was fine and my moms ex smiled and laughed oddly in an unsettling way. my dad didn't know about it until i told him a few years ago...


my dad isn't any better either with the severe neglect when i was over at his house when he did come and picked me up. i did tell my mom about being locked in a bedroom all the time. eventually my dad stopped coming around and i didn't see him 4 years later where he "tried" coming into my life but my stepmom was jealous of me and treated me like **** when i was over at their house. it wasn't until she ended up getting breast cancer she started treated me like a human being... my dad knew how my stepmom was towards me but did nothing and took her side. he continued to stay with her and seeing me less and less. I always got the brunt of her ******** and if my sister did something "wrong" i got my *** busted for it too. if I cried because they didn't let me call my mom or grandmother in order to let me go home I got my *** busted for it. at one point at 8 years old my dad picked me up took me to his place and refused to let me call home.. locked me and my siblings in a bedroom from days on end... lack of food as usual... and didn't let me have contact with my grandmother or my mom... they basically kidnapped me. my grandmother called my dads bff and he told her where my dad lived and eventually picked me up after arriving unexpectinly at the door. i was filthy, natted hair, missing clothes, and the one bedroom apartment that lived me my two brothers my sister and my dad and stepmom smelled of diapers. I came home and that was the end of that part of my life.

I'm very shook up today.

Im so sorry FR.

Please make sure you seek support as well. Does your band leader have support for everyone?

I too feel that I have to defend my mother and remain loyal. it's complicated for sure. we went thru some same things, neglect and CSA. my mom also ignored everything until it was too late. shes even finally admitted she just was not there when I was growing up. it's nice to have that validation that it wasn't just in my head that mom was never around to protect me, but it's too little too late now to apologize for it. I suffer the consequences of her inaction every day

Already got 7,000 steps in today and it's only 11am