Roll Call: 146

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I've never have but it looks good, I'll have to try that sometime

Trying to not spend time in my apartment, gonna go over to my mom and step-dad's house in a bit

God I feel so depressed and happy and I have to get this essay done

in the words of nirvana (Kurt Cobain)

I like it, I'm not gonna crack
I miss you, I'm not gonna crack
I love you, I'm not gonna crack
I killed you, I'm not gonna crack

Turns out one of my families dogs died.

Really bumming me out

I can't write. I feel way too numb. I'm a zombie.

Damn...heartbreaking to watch someone get old.
Had a nice day with Gram. Started off rough...tears, missing phone...whole 9 yards. Get through that...she tells me some stories that don’t exactly seem based on reality but that’s cool. She earned it. She’s ninety****ingfour ya know. Finish eating, go for a ride by the ocean, go home. I sat at her kitchen table for 6 & 1/2 hours. Thankfully my niece came by too so we had someone to share the convo with.
As the day went on gram got better. It seems like a lot of her most serious confusion comes during times she feels a lot of pressure. Like getting ready to go out, misplacing something, etc.
just kind of sad. I never thought she’d get old. She retired at freaking 90! To spend more time with the dog lol. She drove until...well let’s just say far too long given her macular degeneration dx. I don’t know. She’s just always seemed “untouchable” to me. Today she was old and it hit me...finally.
Funny how we stick our heads in the sand about stuff like that. I remember when my mom was sick. I sat everyone down and told them word for word what the doc told us when asked prognosis. “Late term advanced stage aggressive and terminal adenocarcinoma. We cannot cure you...we can treat your symptoms. We can’t give you quantity but we will try to give you quality”.
Okay so they were SHOCKED when she “suddenly” died. Couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell them. **** me. You morons.

I'm not going to take ADHD medication anymore. There's no point if I'm on antipsychotics. They don't do anything. I still lay in bed doing nothing. I'm still a zombie. Can't write.

I need to start getting more exercise, I've gained quite a bit of weight since the seroquel was doubled

That's great that you spend a lot of time with her

, so many people when they get old their families want nothing to do with them, it's sad

When my mom passed away (from Leukemia) she was only 60 but when my sister called one of our brothers and told him mom died he said "so, what do you want me to do about it" and he didn't even attend her funeral, it still makes me angry

Im sorry falcon!!!

Oh no. I’m sorry

Ugh...not even sure what to say to that. What a jerk

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! Says a lot about him.

Yeah, he's very cold... I've always wondered if he has Antisocial personality disorder, he fits the criteria very well, superficially charming, trouble with authority, lack of empathy and emotions and a lot of other stuff. Anyway, he's really different than my sister, our other brother and myself.

not in a good place right now guys...

I’m sorry Erti
Can we help?

Just a listening ear that is all.

I went out for a smoke and three guys were walking across the street and they started throwing the road sweep up sign on the road.

I was about to yell at them and call them retards. I was about to punch the head off of one of them.

Because I'm so manic and agitated it would have been fun to get my *** kicked.

**** that would have been a rush.

**** I want an excuse to punch someone right in the face so bad

I put the sign back. It's not about the sign though. I can feel the rage flowing through me. I want to get into a fight.

I took my seroquel so I guess I'll calm down and go to sleep lmao

Good morning. Woke up around 3 in the morning and have been up since.

Started cleaning my apartment

Hey everyone, how are things going?

I’m...alive. Not good. Another day in paradise. After some serious consideration I’m beginning to consider long term IP programs to deal with this stuff. I don’t think I can handle a productive normal life right now, and haven’t for a while outside band and forcing myself to go get groceries and eat. Even sometimes I don’t eat. Idk.

I dont feel like myself emotionally. I am sleeping easier but feeling even less emotions. I feel trapped because of this. I have no motivation, even when I write on PC I find myself more often than ever before like I have nothing to write. I don't know what to do.