Roll Call: 146

Thanks! Me too.

the way things have been going for me lately i'm seriously considering drugs. xD

I take all 160mg at night so that's when my only meal of the day is.

I was taking 80 twice a day which is about what you take a day.

I was originally dx w/bipolar.
Then because of my history of hallucinations and voices along w/the lack of “manic” episodes they changed it to sza.
I don’t know what I have. Always had anxiety and pretty bad depression. Since abt 10. Then in an abusive relationship @16 I started w/the voices. Aura, hallucination. Usually only when things were quiet or in the heat of the moment.
Left him years later. Was fine for decades. My mom died and I hit bottom emotionally. Went on zoloft and struggled through. My youngest started school and I was lost. Decided to work on me. Lost the weight. Still struggled w/empty nest but I was functioning. Then my dog got hit by car. I snapped...broke off a close friendship over it. Really really wallowed in this death. Stopped paying the bills. I honestly don’t know where the $ went. I robbed peter to pay paul. This is what they called “mania” though I never spent excessively I mismanaged a **** ton of money. Treaded water for a few months. Went out w/my kids and was kinda assaulted by 2 stupid men. I lost it. Felt like I couldn’t protect my kids, my mailbox was filled with shut off notices, the depression was like a lead weight on my shoulders. Meanwhile no one knew anything. Had some really bad thought and drove myself to the hospital.
Dx with bipolar. Then my kid suffered a severe head injury, my niece told me abt my sister, police, DCF, sex crime interviews, my marriage was struggling, I was on a cocktail of meds that was not working. I was doing everything.
Then I just suddenly lost it. Totally and completely lost my ****. Believed my niece was working w/my sister, had taken pics of my kids, believed my nephews sexually abused my kids, thought my family was harvesting my kids organs...went to the hospital. Bad meds again. Another break 2 wks later. Pretty much the same thoughts. Believed I broke up a large kiddie porn ring and was in danger. I started getting weird dating site messages do I thought it was code from my husband.
Meh...so I don’t know what I have. I seem to features of several disorders but nothing 100%. The only dx I’m certain about is my bouts of crippling depression.

sounds like you had a lot going on and it turned into psychosis. Depression can also come with psychosis.

I believe I had psychotic depression but that's hard to differentiate from schizophrenia..

I just feel like I want to lay in bed forever

I need energy

I need me a nice black man who love big fat white girls and is a geek like me.

I got all the energy in the world right now ;D yet i feel like i want to do some drugs and pimp some hoes.

I was originally diagnosed as having psychotic depression. I had hypomanic episodes on antidepressants before but my old doctor didn’t believe me. eventually it all went away and I seemed to fine except for bits here and there. Then when I was psychotic again and depressed my new doctor tried me on an antidepressant and I went hypomanic and he believed me so I was then diagnosed as having bipolar 2 and a psychotic disorder by the psychiatrist.

As for me my first diagnosis was PTSD and Borderline

Then it went to Depression and Borderline and Ptsd

Then it went to Psychotic Depression and PTSD with Borderline traits

Then it was Schizophrenia and PTSD

then it was back to Psychotic Depression with PTSD

then it turned to Schizophrenia

Then it turned to sza bipolar type and ptsd

then it was Sza depressive type and PTSD and personality disorder nos

then it was psychosis nos

then it went back to sza bipolar type...

only thing i know for sure i have is PTSD... i don't agree with the sz/psychosis/sza and not even bipolar/depression. at one point i did... but now i don't. I don't even agree with the borderline diagnosis. doctors are full of ****.

I think my mental illness is related to weakness more than anything else.
I can no longer handle a lot of pressure. I crack. I’m mentally fragile. Totally sucks since it basically makes me a complete failure as a woman but there it is.

Mental illness doesn't mean you're mentally weak tho

I wanna believe im not sza but idk. I just keep having bouts of episodes. Not really episodes but ill hear stuff from time to time and have deluded thoughts every once and awhile.

I should have a reassessment tho.

No. MI does not mean you’re weak.
I think my brain is faulty/weak.

well that makes no sense... you say your brain is faulty and weak but all that can be explained with mental illness... someone who is faulty and weak are those who hurt others. have you hurt others? no! You're working as hard as you can with the cards you're dealt. Remember, you're a good mother. a good wife... a good daughter... and a good sister. over all a good person in general... kind hearted and caring person... don't forget that.

My first dx came after like a 5 minute conversation that included me snotting and crying all over the place.
The next I was completely insane. Said like 6 words and watched out the window for the FBI. Even my paperwork said I was guarded, unable and/or unwilling to provide basic info, unable to effectively communicate, blah blah blah.
Just seems like 5 years have passed. I’m healthy and stable. Have some insight. Seems like a better time to be interrogated

well that makes no sense... you say your brain is faulty and weak but all that can be explained with mental illness... someone who is faulty and weak are those who hurt others. have you hurt others? no! You're working as hard as you can with the cards you're dealt. Remember, you're a good mother. a good wife... a good daughter... and a good sister. over all a good person in general... kind hearted and caring person... don't forget that.

Thank you Erti

I'm up to 1000 words on my essay. I just wrote nonsense because I don't feel like reading about shamanism right now. I have 300 more words to go but might just hand it in with 4 paragraphs at 1000. I'm completely exhausted mentally.

1000 words in a 4 paragraph essay sounds like you need to divide your paragraphs a bit more...

Sigh.. I put a space and divided one into two.. the exhaustion!

have your mom read it and she can help you with ideas, organization, runon and fragment sentances, spelling, and grammar.

I think it's very bad and impossible to fix and needs a lot of work. Although interesting to read. Kind of has psychotic ideas in there.. I need to take an English class in the fall cuz it teaches basic things.

Edit: This is an essay where the teacher is supposed to mark it, then I finish it and then send it in again. I have more questions to do and another essay then I'm done the course...