Roll Call: 146

I think there is an ebb and flow to weight. I think it’s pretty common to gain and lose the same 10 or 20 pounds throughout life.
I bounce around a lot usually 5-10 lbs. I try to ignore those and only focus if I go above that.

My account is overdrawn again cuz our mattress payment. I have no idea what to do. I have no gas or money. And i need to send this phone off that i sold for money on an app.

Im so lost. We are so dead broke.

Have a amber cashmere wax tart melting, relaxing since it's a rainy day

Im starting to get depressed

I also havent combed my hair in a week and its matted

I just asked my mom for help. She wont help me.

Im drinking now

Starting to get depressed

My mom said “sorry. But you are gonna have to figure that out on your own”

I’m so sorry Newtus, I know how it feels to be broke. It’s extremely stressful especially when we can’t even afford our basic needs. I’m sorry I’m not good with advice, I can only offer a hug

Now my mom wont answer her phone

Drank a vyvanse with an energy drink. Gonna stay on the vyvanse cuz it's the same thing as adderall except vyvanse lasts longer..

I see the doctor tomorrow. Gonna tell him to refill the beta blocker, prescribe 40mg vyvanse and maybe lower the seroquel to 50mg instead of 100mg. I have 14 ativan left so I don't need a refill.

Then hopefully I'll have my **** together and on the way to complete mental stability..

Don't drink too much tho

Alcohol lowers inhibitions of whatever you're currently feeling. So if you're depressed, you're more likely to think, voice and act on the depressive thoughts.

I had a bipolar tenant that stopped taking his lithium and started drinking. Crashed into a few cop cars and is in jail. My moms friend with bipolar was a complete train wreck when she was drinking last week because she told me she felt depressed. A friend with schizophrenia in the psych ward drank alcohol as soon as she got out of the hospital and came back psychotic.

From my own experience too.. I was manic or something and drove to the liquor store drunk without a license and was speeding while it was snowing..

I was supposed to see my T tonight but she had a family emergency and cancelled. I get it, stuff happens, but I feel like crying and I need her today. I had some SUI thoughts over the weekend and now no T. Won't see her until May 6th. May as well be another century. Sorry to be a downer. I'm really upset about not seeing my T. HUGS Kit

Sketching Pokémon.

Kinda upset cuz everyone in my life even a few people here kept telling me to move out of my dads. Now saying to move back in.

Newtus we had no idea of your finances except what you told us...as I recall you bought the mattress after moving out as well as the watches....that put you over solvency. I think you’ve learned a lot moving out and you’ll be more ready when you can finally afford a place of your own. I’m not saying move back today but when the lease ends....I don’t think it’s sustainable right now. If you have another solution that’s great but I can’t think of one.

That sucks slumber kitty that’s a long time to wait.....is it possible she could call you for an emergency session or anything like that?

I don't know. They said they would put me on the cancellation list if someone cancels. She has really crappy availability to begin with.

Using Khan Academy to work on proficiency in math

Part of me says tell them you’re feeling sui but another part is concerned they’ll send you to the ER.....

They are really good at math...

Thanks SP. I'm not going to tell the receptionist that I'm feeling sui because she'll either call the ambulance or tell me to go to the hospital, but I will go to the hospital if I am unsafe. Promise.

Ok good....

The vyvanse and energy drink gave me motivation today when the adderall doesn't. I finished raking the yard and cleaned up all the cigarette butts. Handed in my essay now I have to do an assignment, finish another essay and then I'm done my course. I'm going to go for a walk with my mom when she's finished work. I was listening to a really good podcast today that I continued on from last night since I stopped cuz I had a panic attack.

I realize that my panic attacks are from severe HPPD.

"Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD) is a disorder in which a person has flashbacks of visual hallucinations or distortions experienced during a previous hallucinogenic drug experience, sometimes with the same feelings experienced before, which cause distress or impairment in work or everyday life."

In the psychedelic culture, lots of people usually have a few benzos on hand in case they need to stop a bad trip. I get flashbacks and benzos help to stop it. I always knew my panic attacks weren't normal panic attacks because I also feel psychotic on them and the doctor confirmed in the ER that the fluoxetine made me psychotic. I think it's because it works on serotonin like psychedelics do..

I feel motivated though for the first time in a while..

Im about to pass out

Feeling like a failure in life. Wrote about it in my journal, disappointed in myself